Comments on: How to Manage Your Grouchy Guy

By: dirtydomino

dirtydomino — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 22:30:12 +0000

Thank you for posting this article. I will try to keep your points in mind when dealing with my chronically grouchy husband. My only regrets in being with him is the fact that I’ve had to really change my personality to be able to deal with him on a daily basis. He would flee and accuse me of trying to manipulate him if I got upset enough to cry when we argued. Now, I rarely cry. The only way to make his insulting remarks and “playful jabs” no longer hurt my feelings was to stop caring what he thought. And I’m not entirely sure that’s the best state of mind to have in a marriage.

We have discussed counselling, but he thinks that counselling will mean our relationship is over; because that’s what happened in his last marriage. Yep, I’m his second wife and I’m struggling with the exact same things his ex-wife dealt with. I am one step away from asking him, “How many wives do you have to go through before you realize YOU’RE the problem?” But I’m sure that will hurt him far more than I ever want it to. Unlike him, I hold back my verbal punches.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:12:15 +0000

Hi Annie,

Well put!

By: annie

annie — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 23:59:25 +0000

To label a lover’s words and actions as “abuse” is so simple, isn’t it?
When one starts to notice that arguments and hurt feelings are occuring, is the solution really to RUN?
where can we run? humans get grouchy. we get angry, confused, lost… If we run away from everyone who treats us with anything less than perfectly respectful speech and manners, even solitude will not stop the chase. Nobody is perfect, and if we love ourselves and others, it is vital to learn skills in getting along. These apes that we are! These amazing crazy funny and sad apes. you gotta love us.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 22:05:27 +0000

It worked tonight in a sort of round about way. I started some bantering full of sexual inuendo and then mentioned that I wasn’t comfortable with my husband’s driving home after having 4 drinks at dinner last night. Instead of his customary defensiveness and stony withdrawal, I was amazed that he openly admitted he should have limited it and said he would be a lot more careful in future. Wow! What’s funny is that I didn’t do the crude banter intending to lead into the comment about drink driving. It just sort of happened that way. But the result was pretty remarkable. Thanks for your excellent advice, Dr J.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 02:43:06 +0000

Many men are like Nancy’s husband, they are just not comfortable talking about their feelings in any straightforward way. Nevertheless, you can sometimes address sensitive issues indirectly through crude and vulgar humor and get past the defensive stonewalling.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 22:33:04 +0000

My husband of almost five years (we’re both 68) is very defensive and sometimes grumpy and withdrawn. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking about our relationship or feelings. I have had no luck with the direct approach, asking him what’s wrong (he denies there’s anything wrong) when he’s in a mood. Although sometimes he’ll apologize for being grouchy the next day. I think your idea about crude humour is great. On the few occasions when I’ve kidded him that way it has eased the atmosphere. I just have to remember to do it. Luckily he isn’t abusive verbally or physically but he tends to be passive aggressive sometimes. He denies that he’s doing it but if I’m very firm and let him know I won’t put up with it then he usually stops.

I’m not anywhere near the point of ending our marriage, which in the main is good. But it is hard to deal with defensiveness, grouchiness, silent withdrawal and passive aggression. Your suggestions are very helpful and greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 14:17:52 +0000

Hi Jenny. It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job applying the grouchy guy management strategies. Sometimes the best that can be done is to just not make a bad situation worse. Some of your husband’s behavior is what is called “stonewalling” in which men just withdraw in anger. At some point a wife might just try honesty and say something like “I’m just not happy living this way anymore with a husband who just insults me or gives me the silent treatment and you are not sure you want to stay in the marriage or bring children into the marriage.” Sometimes if husbands realize that their wives are seriously considering leaving them, it motivates them to change, especially if they sense their wife isn’t bluffing but really means it. If a husband doesn’t seem to care whether his wife leaves him and actually seems like he would be relieved if his wife left him, it suggests that he is not all that committed to the marriage.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 04:47:40 +0000

Thanks for this helpful article. My husband has all of these behaviors, except he doesn’t raise his voice at me (or rarely), but will sulk or blank me instead. I’ve tried all the ways you mention for dealing with his behavior. You’re right that showing emotion or anger makes a bad situation worse and escalates the problem.

I’ve also tried imposing strict boundaries. This has had some success. He used to tell me I was fat often (I’m 65 kg and 1 m 67) but he actually stopped this when I told him it is unacceptable. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to get him to change any other behavior that way, as he says “Why should I change if you’re not going to?” His complaint is that I forget things. I actually don’t forget things any more than most people, and probably less. He says if I’m not willing to stop forgetting things, why should he change his behavior? He thus sets up an unreachable target for me, a bargain that can never be made, and so he’s allowed to stay doing what he’s doing.

I’ve tried humour, and this works, but as you say, only when the anger is in its early phases.

I’m 28, I’ve been married 3 years and together for 7. I’m generally not unhappy (I have a fulfilling life in other respects), but my self confidence is going down because of all the criticisms and insults. I am starting to dislike myself, mainly for the way I’m dealing with his behavior. I think I need to leave him alone more if he gets angry, like you say, I have an impulse to try to resolve a conflict right away, but its not working. If I try to do this, we argue. I think I need to try to deal with his behavior in a way I would be proud to have someone else observe. If this doesn’t improve things, and if I think this marriage is going to be a bad place to bring children into, I’ll think about leaving. I really don’t want to, because I don’t want to break my marriage vows.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 21:14:41 +0000

Good point Cyndi! I’ve have worked with women who have gotten out of abusive relationships with men and are happy to be single, socialize with friends and family, and have occasional, casual sex with men. I’ve worked with other women who get out of abusive relationship with men and get into healthy romantic relationships with women. And on occasion some women get out of relationships with abusive men and with a little therapy learn to have healthy romantic relationships with men.

I also have worked with women who stay with grouchy guys but have extra-marital affairs to meet some of their needs for emotional intimacy and then when they are around 65 give up on the affairs to settle down to grow old with their grouchy guy who has calmed down with advancing age and perhaps decreasing testosterone levels. And on occasion, I have worked with women who with a little irreverent humor and tough love limit setting have whipped their grouchy guys into shape.

Your point is well taken that we should avoid either/ or thinking about this sensitive issue and be open and nonjudgmental about any viable option for having a happier and healthier emotional life. Thanks for your post.

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 20:30:31 +0000

Is there not a 3rd option? Get out with no need to try to find someone new, at least right away? My thought is that anyone able to get out would benefit from exploring how/why she came to love an abusive man long before she starts looking for a new partner. No?

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 19:37:35 +0000

Unfortunately, many relationships that don’t start out as emotionally abusive can incrementally become emotionally abusive. By that time there may be children, there may be emotional and economic dependence so it is not so easy to run. At that point it’s best to at least initially try to make the best of a bad situation if possible by trying some of these strategies.

Starting off with using irreverent humor to diffuse conflict is a good place to start but if that doesn’t work one might try a more tough love approach, simply disengage and don’t relate until your partner treats you more respectively.

If nothing works don’t blame yourself as your partner might just be too set in his ways and beyond being fixed. At that point you have to make a very difficult personal decision: Get out and try to find someone more congenial or learn to live with a certain level of chronic disrespect by trying not to take it too personally and at least try not to make a bad situation worse.

If it gets to this unhappy place, I try not to judge the decisions women ultimately make. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow that one’s dream of having a happy, healthy relationship with this particular grouchy guy might never come true no matter what one does or doesn’t do.

By: Raphaelle

Raphaelle — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 11:00:00 +0000

I actually dated a man that had all of the above behaviors and to all the ladies I say if you do too, RUN! Now I met a wonderful man that really loves me a lot better, at least he did at first, but after “honey moon” has started to show his true grumpiness. He doesn’t have allthe things on the list but many. We are supposed to get married in April, but I’m beginning to wonder if this is a good idea? I tried fishing out some of the same rough humor (and did in that last relationship as well) but I find it makes him double up on his. The current grouch prides himself on his wit, and Will have the last word. Also, sending him away, is not possible since he is the primary bread winner and we live together. Lately, I have been tempted to grab my sleeping bag and go sleep in the car, but it’s feezing, and I also have a small dog I am responsible for. Help!! I want this relationship to work, but I’m going out of my mind!

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 22:02:14 +0000

I’m sorry, but in reading this article I couldn’t help but think this is way beyond a “grouchy guy” and the behaviors described are actually emotionally abusive. Emotionally abuse is not acceptable and no woman (or man) should have to find ways to work around it or joke anyone out of it.

By: Evelyn

Evelyn — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 01:50:09 +0000

This all makes sense. I hope I can learn to use the advice as I have just finished getting yelled at for 30 minutes for losing something of his.( I am not sure I lost it.)

By: Sherrill

Sherrill — Sat, 29 May 2010 02:43:32 +0000

It’s called Verbal Abuse!!! Run!

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 13:14:51 +0000

Thank you, Dr. Josephs. Your descriptions of my grouchy guy are very accurate and you’ve given me some very valuable insight into what he’s thinking. I’m convinced that he often doesn”t really understand why he reacts in an unreasonable way to a reasonable conversation. From my angle — it’s like living in a world where it doesn’t matter how reasonable I am because he has all the ‘secret emotional catalysts’ running in the background — at the same time he believes he’s being so rational. It’s the “Twilight Zone” for emotional intelligence…..everything is being bounced off a maze of mirrors. It’s impossible to find where it’s all coming from and almost every response has to be carefully considered.

I use teasing and humor in exactly the way you describe. I stumbled upon those responses quite accidentally. I started responding to him in the same way he responded to one of our sons — who is very difficult. He has great success with him.

Thanks for the GREAT info. I’d like to know more — specifically how to deal with a grouchy guy who is going through a prolonged grieving process. Your doing a very good thing!

By: Susie

Susie — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:23:47 +0000

What a wonderful discussion! I wish I had seen this information 40 years ago! I had to learn on the job so to speak. My very grouchy guy died of cancer in 2007. We had been married 38 years. He was a very intelligent highly regarded professional, but damn, was he grouchy, classic grouchy. My children even learned to handle his ill moods with humor. We all miss him, but not so much the grouchiness! Strange thing is I find myself attracted to another grouchy guy! What is wrong with me? This very good looking intelligent man is in his 40s, never married despite several relationships that went “South”. But I know what is wrong with him, he’s GROUCHY! Thanks for “listening” to me.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 10:39:16 +0000

Emmie makes an important point. It is not the responsibility of an abused partner to “fix” their abuser or to blame themselves for the abuse. The simplest remedy would be to end the relationship with an abusive partner and find someone more respectful and appreciative. Yet many women do stay in relationships with abusive partners, especially when the abuse is verbal/ emotional rather than physical and more in the mild to moderate range than severe range of abuse. The question is then one of which behaviors escalate conflict and which behaviors diffuse conflict with grouchy guys or grouchy gals.

By: emmie

emmie — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:14:02 +0000

If someone (male or female) is exhibiting all nine of the characteristics listed above, then I would classify this as an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Charcacteristics 3,4,6, and 7 especially are descriptions of abusive behavior.

It’s not up to the victim of abuse to “fix” their abuser or feel responsible for not practicing the correct “approach” to their beahvior.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 20:53:30 +0000

There is no sure way to know when a relationship is over until it’s over. Many relationships have an on again/ off again quality that can sometimes go on for years if not decades. As long as you have two people hanging in there together trying to work on their perpetual conflicts there is some hope that things could finally work out. It’s a tough personal decision to decide when you’re finally worn down by years of painful conflict and you decide you’ve finally had enough of trying to fix a broken relationship that just never seems to get any better.