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How to Manage Your Grouchy Guy
TweetHow to Manage Your Grouchy Guy
BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS
You thought you fell in love with a wonderful guy and you thought you would settle into a comfortable easy going relationship once the honeymoon phase of the relationship was over. But instead you find yourself living with a first-class grouch and you don’t know what to do about it. What is a grouchy guy? These are the defining characteristics of a grouchy guy:
1) His mood tends to be chronically irritable and cranky. He responds with annoyance to minor frustrations.
2) He is faultfinding about stupid little things and prone to starting arguments about trivial matters. He makes mountains out of molehills.
3) He blames you for everything as though every minor frustration he suffers is your fault. He implies or says outrightly that you are ruining his life.
4) He treats you like you’re an idiot if you don’t immediately get something he is saying.
5) He gets annoyed and pushes you away when you reach out affectionately to him looking for some love and attention as though you’re a pathetically needy person.
6) He has a generally contemptuous attitude towards you though he’d deny it if you confronted him. He’d claim you’re too being too sensitive.
7) He may make sarcastic or belittling comments towards you, even in front of other people. If you confront him on it, he will claim he’s just kidding around and will ask incredulously what’s wrong with you that you can’t you take a joke.
If you sympathetically ask your partner what’s bothering him, he will deny that anything is wrong and will respond as though that’s an irritating question.
9) He demonstrates diminished interest in sex with you but claims everything is just fine if asked.
You know what it is like to live with a guy like this. You are angry all the time because he treats you in such a hostile rejecting manner. But because he denies everything, he makes you feel that it’s all in your head and you must be crazy. It’s not good for your self-worth because he is making you feel like he finds himself trapped living with a person he finds absolutely insufferable. He acts like he is just staying with you out of some misguided sense of begrudging obligation. And when you finally lose your patience with his chronic but denied grouchiness and you lose your temper, he looks at you with utter disgust as though you are the biggest bitch in the entire world! Then you feel guilty as though you have probably deserved to be treated poorly all along. You can’t imagine why in the world he stays with you and why he just doesn’t go out and immediately replace you with someone nicer. You might even begin to think that maybe you should feel grateful that he puts up with you at all.
Or maybe you are wondering why you put up with him at all and maybe you should just dump the jerk and find somebody nicer, somebody who is lower maintenance.
But if at least for the time being you are sticking with your grouchy guy and trying to figure out what to do with him, I can give you some advice about how to try to make the best of a bad situation. First, I have to give you some advice about what not to do because it’s very easy to make a bad situation a whole lot worse than it already is. Firstly, you have to learn how to restrain yourself from reacting defensively to the hostile and rejecting way your grouchy guy treats you. Understandably, you feel hurt and angry and want to express your hurt and anger openly. Unfortunately, grouchy guys don’t know how to deal with women’s feelings and just become more antagonized the more you try to force them to understand how you really feel. Grouchy guys, especially when they are angry are empathy impaired. They get freaked out by a crying woman who seems wounded by their abrasiveness. Crying just makes a grouchy guy feel guilty and when he feels guilty he either becomes even more argumentative or withdraws in anger. Grouchy men see crying women as weak and then have contempt for them. Appearing hurt and wounded doesn’t get you anywhere with a grouchy guy. They think it’s manipulative.
Maybe you get angry when your grouchy guy isn’t being nice and to assert yourself you express your anger. But the next thing you know you are have a screaming match on your hands and things are getting pretty ugly, maybe even in front of the kids. Getting angry doesn’t get you anywhere because then you turn into his scolding mother. If you get angry he will no longer see you as the sexy romantic partner he once loved because you have morphed into his disciplinarian mother who is trying to force him to be obedient. Naturally, he will become only more rebellious. You might get him to begrudgingly submit out of guilt but he will hold it against you and get even with you one way or another, perhaps even by cheating on you with someone at work who seduces him by seeming more indulgent and accommodating than you are.
Of course, you could just try to ignore his grouchiness and try not to let it bother you and try to learn to live with it. But because he is a grouchy guy and is trying to get a rise out of you, he’s just going to drive you crazy until you lose it. If you try to ignore his chronic irritability and constant put downs, you are just going to build up resentment like a pressure cooker until you finally explode. So what do you do if you can’t just ignore him, can’t express your hurt feelings openly, and can’t express your angry feelings openly? What options are left?
Fortunately, there are two good options left which are more likely to be effective with a grouchy guy: 1) Good natured teasing and 2) Firm limit setting.
Grouchy guys have often lost their sense of humor. Every little thing about you is annoying to them and they have to constantly harp on the fact of how everything you do drives them crazy. The basic idea of good natured teasing is that every time your grouchy guy says something critical, insulting, or bossy, you don’t have to take it seriously, just make a joke about it. For example, your grouchy guy starts scolding you for misplacing his favorite coffee mug that he can’t find. You can argue that you didn’t misplace his coffee mug or that even if you did what’s the big deal and you’ll probably have a huge fight on your hands about a stupid little thing. But you could kid around and say something like: “I hid it on purpose because I know you can’t live without your favorite coffee mug” or “Why don’t you take care of your coffee mug yourself if you don’t like the way I take care of things around here, you’re a big boy, now so learn to take care of yourself.” To women’s ears these comments might sound too harsh, even emasculating, but this is the kind of language that grouchy guys understand. This is the way grouchy guys deal with each other, through what I call “verbal roughhousing.” Grouchy guys like to play rough, that’s the way they deal with all their pent-up aggression. Grouchy guys have to be taught a lesson: “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.” You have to show them that you don’t take them too seriously when they are acting like a first class jerk. You need to make fun of them when they are acting insufferably to show them that they have lost your respect. In cultures where there is very little male aggression, it is achieved because the men relentlessly mock each other when they get out of line until the men acquire better self-control of their aggressive impulses. Men respect sassy women who can put them in their place by a witty put down. Unfortunately, in our culture it is usually the men who make jokes and the women who are the appreciative audience for men’s humor. But sometimes in a marriage there has to be a role reversal and the women need to get their grouchy guys to lighten up and not take themselves so seriously.
Your grouchy guy will really appreciate you if you can learn how to diffuse a tense situation with humor. But you have to understand that the type of humor that most grouchy guys like is rude, crude, and lewd, not always the witty repartee we see in old fashioned romantic comedies. If you can learn to amuse your grouchy guy with that sort of humor, you will have him eating of your hand and he will feel like he is the luckiest guy in the world. It will also re-awaken his waning sexual interest in you. Grouchy guys want to have sex with women who can make them laugh.
Humor only works when a grouchy guy is mildly annoyed. Humor doesn’t work when a grouchy guy is really angry. Then he is too far gone to be reached by humor. Once he is really angry he can’t even think straight so you can’t really have a rational dialogue with him. So what women have to learn is to not even try to have a rational discussion with a grouchy guy once he has lost it. It’s better to tell him that he is out of control and out of line, that you won’t talk to him if he is going to talk to you in such a disrespectful way, and that he better go off by himself to cool down and don’t talk to you until he can talk to you in a calm and respectful way. Thus you have to set limits on his grouchiness by refusing to talk to him unless he can talk to you like a civilized and mature adult. First you try to diffuse a tense situation with a little humor but if that doesn’t work set a limit on him and tell him to get out your face until he calms down.
Once a grouchy guy cools down he will be nicer and more conciliatory. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to do this because they want the immediate reassurance in the midst of an ugly fight that everything is OK. Women hate it when men withdraw in anger because they feel rejected, if not abandoned, by the men they love. But it is better to let your grouchy guy withdraw in anger until he is ready to make nice. Forcing him to reassure you that he still loves you when he is fuming with anger is just going to result in an even bigger blow-up.
So these are the basic tools of effective grouchy guy management. Don’t ignore him, don’t act hurt and wounded, don’t scold him, and don’t pressure him for reassurance. That will only further antagonize him and make a bad situation a whole lot worse. Use humor and good natured teasing, preferably a bit crude and lewd, to diffuse a tense situation when your grouchy guy is mildly annoyed. When he is really angry give him a time out until he calms down and sounds conciliatory. Good luck learning to manage your grouchy guy because you deserve better.
Let me know what you think.
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Tags: couples, grouchy, imagineage, mood, psychology, self help, therapy
Fantastic! I’ve tried all of the things that don’t work – sulking, prodding, etc. I’m ready to dish out some crude humor for a change : ) Thanks for your thoughtful and amusing post.
This is all good advice, I will try it. But notice that it’s always up to the woman to somehow make things work out. Are there any articles directed towards men to get off their butts and initiate improvement in the marriage? No, it always falls to us. Is it because we are the only one in the marriage who cares? Would men just leave things in their miserable state forever if the woman didn’t try to improve things?
Unfortunately, Amy is quite right that women on average are the one’s who care and men would just let things deteriorate and withdraw in anger. It’s not fair but the unhappy options are to either dump the jerk and find someone better or to learn how to manage a guy who doesn’t want to be fixed. Such men can benefit from getting help with anger management despite the fact that they are empathy impaired. Grouchy guys just don’t care as much about what women think and feel as women care about their partners’ feelings. It often takes a tough love approach to get a grouchy guy to see someone for help with his temper. Grouchy guys will only see a “shrink” begrudgingly and under duress.
I have tried everything and none of it seems to work for me. He is planning to spend some time out of state with is grandparents and I’m very excited to see him go. I never thought I would feel that way. Does this mean that it’s time to end the relationship and move on?
There is no sure way to know when a relationship is over until it’s over. Many relationships have an on again/ off again quality that can sometimes go on for years if not decades. As long as you have two people hanging in there together trying to work on their perpetual conflicts there is some hope that things could finally work out. It’s a tough personal decision to decide when you’re finally worn down by years of painful conflict and you decide you’ve finally had enough of trying to fix a broken relationship that just never seems to get any better.
If someone (male or female) is exhibiting all nine of the characteristics listed above, then I would classify this as an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Charcacteristics 3,4,6, and 7 especially are descriptions of abusive behavior.
It’s not up to the victim of abuse to “fix” their abuser or feel responsible for not practicing the correct “approach” to their beahvior.
Emmie makes an important point. It is not the responsibility of an abused partner to “fix” their abuser or to blame themselves for the abuse. The simplest remedy would be to end the relationship with an abusive partner and find someone more respectful and appreciative. Yet many women do stay in relationships with abusive partners, especially when the abuse is verbal/ emotional rather than physical and more in the mild to moderate range than severe range of abuse. The question is then one of which behaviors escalate conflict and which behaviors diffuse conflict with grouchy guys or grouchy gals.
What a wonderful discussion! I wish I had seen this information 40 years ago! I had to learn on the job so to speak. My very grouchy guy died of cancer in 2007. We had been married 38 years. He was a very intelligent highly regarded professional, but damn, was he grouchy, classic grouchy. My children even learned to handle his ill moods with humor. We all miss him, but not so much the grouchiness! Strange thing is I find myself attracted to another grouchy guy! What is wrong with me? This very good looking intelligent man is in his 40s, never married despite several relationships that went “South”. But I know what is wrong with him, he’s GROUCHY! Thanks for “listening” to me.
Thank you, Dr. Josephs. Your descriptions of my grouchy guy are very accurate and you’ve given me some very valuable insight into what he’s thinking. I’m convinced that he often doesn”t really understand why he reacts in an unreasonable way to a reasonable conversation. From my angle — it’s like living in a world where it doesn’t matter how reasonable I am because he has all the ‘secret emotional catalysts’ running in the background — at the same time he believes he’s being so rational. It’s the “Twilight Zone” for emotional intelligence…..everything is being bounced off a maze of mirrors. It’s impossible to find where it’s all coming from and almost every response has to be carefully considered.
I use teasing and humor in exactly the way you describe. I stumbled upon those responses quite accidentally. I started responding to him in the same way he responded to one of our sons — who is very difficult. He has great success with him.
Thanks for the GREAT info. I’d like to know more — specifically how to deal with a grouchy guy who is going through a prolonged grieving process. Your doing a very good thing!
It’s called Verbal Abuse!!! Run!
This all makes sense. I hope I can learn to use the advice as I have just finished getting yelled at for 30 minutes for losing something of his.( I am not sure I lost it.)
I’m sorry, but in reading this article I couldn’t help but think this is way beyond a “grouchy guy” and the behaviors described are actually emotionally abusive. Emotionally abuse is not acceptable and no woman (or man) should have to find ways to work around it or joke anyone out of it.
I actually dated a man that had all of the above behaviors and to all the ladies I say if you do too, RUN! Now I met a wonderful man that really loves me a lot better, at least he did at first, but after “honey moon” has started to show his true grumpiness. He doesn’t have allthe things on the list but many. We are supposed to get married in April, but I’m beginning to wonder if this is a good idea? I tried fishing out some of the same rough humor (and did in that last relationship as well) but I find it makes him double up on his. The current grouch prides himself on his wit, and Will have the last word. Also, sending him away, is not possible since he is the primary bread winner and we live together. Lately, I have been tempted to grab my sleeping bag and go sleep in the car, but it’s feezing, and I also have a small dog I am responsible for. Help!! I want this relationship to work, but I’m going out of my mind!
Unfortunately, many relationships that don’t start out as emotionally abusive can incrementally become emotionally abusive. By that time there may be children, there may be emotional and economic dependence so it is not so easy to run. At that point it’s best to at least initially try to make the best of a bad situation if possible by trying some of these strategies.
Starting off with using irreverent humor to diffuse conflict is a good place to start but if that doesn’t work one might try a more tough love approach, simply disengage and don’t relate until your partner treats you more respectively.
If nothing works don’t blame yourself as your partner might just be too set in his ways and beyond being fixed. At that point you have to make a very difficult personal decision: Get out and try to find someone more congenial or learn to live with a certain level of chronic disrespect by trying not to take it too personally and at least try not to make a bad situation worse.
If it gets to this unhappy place, I try not to judge the decisions women ultimately make. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow that one’s dream of having a happy, healthy relationship with this particular grouchy guy might never come true no matter what one does or doesn’t do.
Is there not a 3rd option? Get out with no need to try to find someone new, at least right away? My thought is that anyone able to get out would benefit from exploring how/why she came to love an abusive man long before she starts looking for a new partner. No?
Good point Cyndi! I’ve have worked with women who have gotten out of abusive relationships with men and are happy to be single, socialize with friends and family, and have occasional, casual sex with men. I’ve worked with other women who get out of abusive relationship with men and get into healthy romantic relationships with women. And on occasion some women get out of relationships with abusive men and with a little therapy learn to have healthy romantic relationships with men.
I also have worked with women who stay with grouchy guys but have extra-marital affairs to meet some of their needs for emotional intimacy and then when they are around 65 give up on the affairs to settle down to grow old with their grouchy guy who has calmed down with advancing age and perhaps decreasing testosterone levels. And on occasion, I have worked with women who with a little irreverent humor and tough love limit setting have whipped their grouchy guys into shape.
Your point is well taken that we should avoid either/ or thinking about this sensitive issue and be open and nonjudgmental about any viable option for having a happier and healthier emotional life. Thanks for your post.
Thanks for this helpful article. My husband has all of these behaviors, except he doesn’t raise his voice at me (or rarely), but will sulk or blank me instead. I’ve tried all the ways you mention for dealing with his behavior. You’re right that showing emotion or anger makes a bad situation worse and escalates the problem.
I’ve also tried imposing strict boundaries. This has had some success. He used to tell me I was fat often (I’m 65 kg and 1 m 67) but he actually stopped this when I told him it is unacceptable. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to get him to change any other behavior that way, as he says “Why should I change if you’re not going to?” His complaint is that I forget things. I actually don’t forget things any more than most people, and probably less. He says if I’m not willing to stop forgetting things, why should he change his behavior? He thus sets up an unreachable target for me, a bargain that can never be made, and so he’s allowed to stay doing what he’s doing.
I’ve tried humour, and this works, but as you say, only when the anger is in its early phases.
I’m 28, I’ve been married 3 years and together for 7. I’m generally not unhappy (I have a fulfilling life in other respects), but my self confidence is going down because of all the criticisms and insults. I am starting to dislike myself, mainly for the way I’m dealing with his behavior. I think I need to leave him alone more if he gets angry, like you say, I have an impulse to try to resolve a conflict right away, but its not working. If I try to do this, we argue. I think I need to try to deal with his behavior in a way I would be proud to have someone else observe. If this doesn’t improve things, and if I think this marriage is going to be a bad place to bring children into, I’ll think about leaving. I really don’t want to, because I don’t want to break my marriage vows.
Hi Jenny. It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job applying the grouchy guy management strategies. Sometimes the best that can be done is to just not make a bad situation worse. Some of your husband’s behavior is what is called “stonewalling” in which men just withdraw in anger. At some point a wife might just try honesty and say something like “I’m just not happy living this way anymore with a husband who just insults me or gives me the silent treatment and you are not sure you want to stay in the marriage or bring children into the marriage.” Sometimes if husbands realize that their wives are seriously considering leaving them, it motivates them to change, especially if they sense their wife isn’t bluffing but really means it. If a husband doesn’t seem to care whether his wife leaves him and actually seems like he would be relieved if his wife left him, it suggests that he is not all that committed to the marriage.
My husband of almost five years (we’re both 68) is very defensive and sometimes grumpy and withdrawn. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking about our relationship or feelings. I have had no luck with the direct approach, asking him what’s wrong (he denies there’s anything wrong) when he’s in a mood. Although sometimes he’ll apologize for being grouchy the next day. I think your idea about crude humour is great. On the few occasions when I’ve kidded him that way it has eased the atmosphere. I just have to remember to do it. Luckily he isn’t abusive verbally or physically but he tends to be passive aggressive sometimes. He denies that he’s doing it but if I’m very firm and let him know I won’t put up with it then he usually stops.
I’m not anywhere near the point of ending our marriage, which in the main is good. But it is hard to deal with defensiveness, grouchiness, silent withdrawal and passive aggression. Your suggestions are very helpful and greatly appreciated. Many thanks.
Many men are like Nancy’s husband, they are just not comfortable talking about their feelings in any straightforward way. Nevertheless, you can sometimes address sensitive issues indirectly through crude and vulgar humor and get past the defensive stonewalling.
It worked tonight in a sort of round about way. I started some bantering full of sexual inuendo and then mentioned that I wasn’t comfortable with my husband’s driving home after having 4 drinks at dinner last night. Instead of his customary defensiveness and stony withdrawal, I was amazed that he openly admitted he should have limited it and said he would be a lot more careful in future. Wow! What’s funny is that I didn’t do the crude banter intending to lead into the comment about drink driving. It just sort of happened that way. But the result was pretty remarkable. Thanks for your excellent advice, Dr J.
To label a lover’s words and actions as “abuse” is so simple, isn’t it?
When one starts to notice that arguments and hurt feelings are occuring, is the solution really to RUN?
where can we run? humans get grouchy. we get angry, confused, lost… If we run away from everyone who treats us with anything less than perfectly respectful speech and manners, even solitude will not stop the chase. Nobody is perfect, and if we love ourselves and others, it is vital to learn skills in getting along. These apes that we are! These amazing crazy funny and sad apes. you gotta love us.
Hi Annie,
Well put!
Thank you for posting this article. I will try to keep your points in mind when dealing with my chronically grouchy husband. My only regrets in being with him is the fact that I’ve had to really change my personality to be able to deal with him on a daily basis. He would flee and accuse me of trying to manipulate him if I got upset enough to cry when we argued. Now, I rarely cry. The only way to make his insulting remarks and “playful jabs” no longer hurt my feelings was to stop caring what he thought. And I’m not entirely sure that’s the best state of mind to have in a marriage.
We have discussed counselling, but he thinks that counselling will mean our relationship is over; because that’s what happened in his last marriage. Yep, I’m his second wife and I’m struggling with the exact same things his ex-wife dealt with. I am one step away from asking him, “How many wives do you have to go through before you realize YOU’RE the problem?” But I’m sure that will hurt him far more than I ever want it to. Unlike him, I hold back my verbal punches.