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The Best is Yet to Be: The 40s

The Best is Yet to Be: The 40s

BLOGGER: DEBORAH HEISER, PHD

Midlife begins at 40. But what does MIDLIFE really mean? Does it mean an end to youth, a beginning of a new chapter in life? Is life half over by 40, or is 40 really the new 30? The answer? It’s all true. But…that isn’t all bad. We have a lot to look forward to! For example, did you know that in their 40s, most people become more intimate? Hmmm…I’ll talk more about that in a minute…And in your 50s you are likely to become more generative? This doesn’t mean that you become more productive; it means that you become more giving of yourself, which turns out to be a good thing not just for you, but also for all of those around you. Your 60s are likely to get even better, because by this time, you are likely to experience deeper intimacy and generativity. Wow. Chances are you’ll feel more fulfilled; have stronger relationships and just feel better about life. In other words, you are moving toward the feeling of a life well lived. And isn’t that what most of us aspire to?

So, come along and find out what is in store for midlife, beginning with the 40s.

Know Thyself

· We know ourselves better than we ever have once we reach our 40s.

· We are more likely to have reached a level of “intimacy” rather than “isolation”

· We have fewer but better friends than in our 20s and 30s

Twenty years ago, most people in their 40s were in an established career, relationship or marriage, and parents of children in their teens or beyond. When someone pictured a 40 year old, it was pretty different from the nearly impossible snapshot of what life looks like for people in their 40s today. The lifestyle has changed so that today, there are lots of people in their 40s getting married for the first time, having their first child and/or starting new careers. In this way, the 40s are like the new 30s. We’ve essentially, extended our youth (and that isn’t such a bad thing). There are some in their 40s who are sending their kids off to college, enjoying more free time and maybe even pondering retirement. But there are some defining features for our 40s. For one, most people know themselves better, and thus, are more comfortable with who they are. That inner voice becomes louder and demands we pay attention! Decisions tend to be made based on who you know yourself to be rather than who we think we should be (pleasing mom, friends, significant others).

This gives the 40-somethings the ability to:

· Speak frankly and openly

· Not take things so personally

· Be less superficial

· Expect to be listened to

· Savor life

· Be more resourceful

· Appreciate what makes people different (become less judgmental)

In essence, as the great psychologist Erik Erikson wrote over a half century ago, this boils down to a stronger self-identity, making the 40-somethings more secure, independent, and able to form closer relationships with others. Being less guarded and more self-assured opens us up for better, more meaningful interactions with others. —-This is intimacy. —- So, intimacy isn’t just found between the bed sheets. It isn’t just referring to relationships with a spouse or significant other. It is the relationship we have with our children, family and friends too. In our 40s, we hope to achieve a healthy level of intimacy. The alternative to intimacy, what we are fighting to overcome, is isolation. What this really means is:

Intimacy Isolation

Retain a sense of self Not achieving a sense of reciprocity from others

Isolation likely is due to a lack of sense of self or insecurity, making it difficult to form secure relationships with others. We can see, when people go through “blips” in life, where external forces affect our lives, that our sense of self can be “rocked” which can make a strong relationship go through an unstable or less stable period. We can also see that some people who don’t know themselves, or are insecure about themselves start to find themselves, or become more in tune with their identity, and that can create difficulties in achieving or maintaining intimacy.

So to sum up the 40s, something changes as we age. Over time, we begin to become choosier about who we want to spend our spare time with. We have confidence in ourselves and don’t need friends around to simply tell us, “wow, cute hair…great handbag…cool boyfriend” like when we were in our 20s. It isn’t about the external stuff so much anymore. For the most part, we know what looks good on us, we know what we want to buy, and how we want to present ourselves. We aren’t buying new Prada shoes because a girlfriend has a pair or a new Iphone to be important (well, maybe that is stretching it).

So, tell us, have you reached the level of Intimacy in your 40s? – Simply leave a message in the comment box and it will be posted!

To read the bio for Deborah Heiser, click here.

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Tags: 40, boomer, development, forty, gen x, generation, imagineage, life, midlife, psychology, what to expect