Do you ever feel invisible? When my friends and I decided to write a book about women over 50, I asked a lot of women my age what sucked about getting older. I expected to hear the sagging/bagging/dragging thing or maybe the memory thing or maybe even the empty nest thing. I didn’t hear any of that. What I heard over and over was “I feel invisible.” Well, you could have knocked me over with a pair of sensible shoes.
I could relate to these women. I remember certain events in my life vividly: My first kiss. The day John F Kennedy was shot. “Going all the way.” My college graduation. My first wedding. The births of my three children. The day I became invisible. My second wedding. The day my grandson was born.
Whoops, back up. I remember the day, no, the moment, when I became invisible. Walking down the aisle at Safeway. Man coming toward me. Man passing. My brain registering He never saw me. I don’t mean he didn’t oogle me. I mean HE DIDN’T SEE ME. I wasn’t composed of molecules that took up any space in his world. Had someone asked him if he had passed anyone in the aisle, he would have said “No.”
It was a real turning point for me. I never had to think about my visibility before. It was just sort of there. But from that day on, I didn’t take visibility as a given. I made sure I looked people in the eye and smiled when I passed them. I spoke up when sales people started to deal with other customers when I had been there first. I no longer allowed people to cut in front of me in line or to take a parking space I had been waiting for. And I got rid of all the long baggy jumpers I had been wearing, just because they were so comfortable. In other words, I began to think about how I was going to be visible in the world. The result was incredibly energizing.
The conclusion I came to was that being visible had little to do with youth or sex appeal. It came from a feeling of empowerment, and from a belief that I should be noticed. There’s a commercial on TV now that shows a woman all dressed up, coming down the stairs. The voiceover says “It’s (whatever the product is) the difference between ‘I’m here’ and ‘Here I am.’” That pretty much sums it up for me.
All this is not to say that there aren’t times that I choose to be invisible, to fly under the radar. Sometimes, under the right circumstances, that can be liberating and/or comforting. And, at other times, it allows me to get away with things, like standing in line at the checkout, eating the nuts that haven’t been weighed yet (Now Husband Dan hates when I do that.) Visible. Invisible. I simply want the choice.
Note to Safeway Guy: If we ever share the same aisle again, I’ll bet you’ll notice me.
Renee Fisher
Co-author, Saving the Best for Last: Creating Our Lives After 50
A bit more than a month has passed since Jackie, Judy and I purchased our first stocks. Here’s how it happened. We took a financial fluency course and were inspired to compete (using 1,000) to see who could do the best at picking stocks.
Jackie, Judy and I each set up accounts for 1,000. Here’s how we’ve done so far…
Debbie:
To start, I decided to use an old retirement account that had been doing poorly for many years (and I mean poorly – when I got it way more than 10 years ago, it had 5,000 in it. Since that time, it has dipped to less than 1,000). I wondered if I’d end up owing money on it and figured I couldn’t possibly do worse than the professionals who had managed it.
I activated the account online and added some money to bring it up to 1000.
Next, I started reading the Wall Street Journal and my usual news sources each morning.
Then I looked around at what I like personally, and what I use personally on a regular basis. I continued to read the papers and online news: NY Times, CNN, WSJ, and I added something new. I looked at what I tend to purchase, what I like, and what I notice others doing and buying. Since I don’t’ eat out all that often, I didn’t feel comfortable buying fast food or restaurant/coffee shop stocks. I also don’t have major brand loyalty when it comes to major stores for shopping. I’ll go anywhere for the basics. So, that left me with my annual gift that I get from my husband. A handbag. If there is a major holiday or birthday, I’m sure to get a handbag. And, it is from Coach. Although this didn’t start based on brand loyalty (he couldn’t find the store he was originally looking for and stopped in at a Coach store and bought the bag in the window). I liked the bag, so rather than try something new, this bag purchase has become a tradition. I looked around and noticed a lot of other women toting Coach bags and accessories: on the subway, in the grocery store, on the street, and in airports. They are everywhere! So, I made my first purchase of nearly 500.00 (I found out you don’t get much for 500.00) and left the rest of the money in the account to see how I did with my first pick.
Then I watched as it did GREAT – it climbed, climbed and climbed. I was feeling pretty good, so I threw caution to the wind, and went against my original idea of waiting 6 months to see who I did on my first stock and bought my second stock. Hewlett Packard.
This was because I’ve always had HP printers, and everyone I know for the most part has HP printers. I realized this isn’t a good reason to pick a stock, but it worked for Coach, so why not. Anyway, it did well for a day or two and I felt like a stock picking winner. Then…the decline. Day after day, decline in both stocks. In fact, I kept reading the news and came to find out even Coach CEO and EVPs sold massive amounts of their personal stocks in the company. So, I am not considering myself a stock picking maven.
I did notice, though, the market has bounced back up and my stocks are about even with where they were when I purchased them. I’m going to just sit back and wait to see how they do. I’m not planning to impulsively sell them or do anything for now.
So, end result, I’m down right now, from my original 1000.00, but not far down. I’m doing better than the account was doing before I started, but let’s see how it all works out in the long run.
Judy:
Judy has a bit more knowledge than me (she is the smart one) and she bought her stocks when they got to a price per share she was comfortable with . In her words “I placed orders on all these stocks. I did a little research, saw the previous days lows and highs, and picked a figure a little higher than the low. Wouldn’t you know, the stocks kept climbing from that day on! It took a few days/weeks to secure my stocks at my order prices.” Judy bought Target, Diamond ETF (I have no idea what that is) and Panera (based on her 18 year-old daughter’s advice).
Target and Diamond ETF went down, but Panera went up.
Jackie:
She opened her account, bought her stock, and hasn’t checked it since, so we have no idea how she’s done. So, by default, unless she can prove otherwise, she moves behind me in this race.
So far…Race results are :
Judy
Debbie
Jackie
But don’t count anyone out yet. The race continues!!!!
If you’d like to join in on the “race” leave a comment.
Twice a week, I take a Pilates Reformer class at my gym. The “Reformer” is a big, lightly padded board on wheels, with levers, pulleys, weights, and other components, all employed without the benefit of a user’s manual. It was either invented by Mr Pilates, the same person who invented people like Madonna, who is one of his disciples. Or, it might have been invented by some unnamed person who wanted to “reform” what Mr Pilates invented, since regular Pilates consists of human beings working out on the floor, whereas this gives a person thousands of dollars worth of apparatus to insert between the floor and one’s body. In addition, we are sometimes given a large, hollow, padded box to place either “long ways” or “short ways” on the board. Since, as well all know now, I am still not clear which way is “long ways” or “short ways.” I watch what other people are doing, and copy them. Other equipment includes the “magic ring,” the “jump board” and “the pole.” I choose to take Reformer classes instead of regular Pilates, because when I tell people I do “Reformer Pilates” they have no idea what I am talking about and so are completely impressed. They assume it is some advanced form of Pilates, known only to Victoria Beckham and other anointed individuals. The exact opposite is true. Reformer means no working on the floor, which is much easier. And, because space is limited due to the size of the machines, it also means much smaller classes, affording either individual attention or, on really good days, some kibitzing among participants that can waste some time. The downside to Reformer is that it costs money in addition to my monthly gym membership. Regular Pilates is included in the membership fee. But I have never given even a thought to regular Pilates, so I keep paying. There is a lovely, older woman in my Reformer class. She is in her eighties and brings her portable oxygen equipment with her. I am not making this up. I like having her in class, because she needs extra time to arrange her oxygen whenever we switch position, and this corresponds exactly with the extra time I need to figure out what the instructor is talking about, since I am usually initially facing the exact opposite way that everyone else is. One day last week, the sweet older woman suggested to me that I take a class called “Body Flow,” which is, like regular Pilates, included in gym membership. She takes Body Flow once a week and Reformer once a week. It works perfectly for her. She said Body Flow allows people to work at their own level. This sold me. First off, I like the phrase “Body Flow.” And it has the added advantage of being something else that others are unfamiliar with when I tell them what I do at the gym. I took the Body Flow class a couple days later. There were about twenty women in the room, whose combined weight equaled one large meal. Our equipment consisted of a mat the thickness of a good quality paper towel. I should add that the sweet older woman wasn’t there. As I came into the gym, I had noticed her in the Reformer room, a bad sign. Aside from two grey-haired women who each looked like when they are not at the gym they are hiking the Appalachian Trail, I was old enough to be everyone else’s mother. The instructor started with the following words: “We have a really, really tough workout planned today! Get ready! We will twist our bodies around in all kinds of ways that human bodies are not meant to twist! This will be brutal!” I scanned the room, Apparently, these words were greeted as positive, since everyone around me looked like hyenas just presented with a fresh zebra kill. The instructor proceeded by throwing out names of positions in rapid-fire manner. Most of them involved animals. To me, everything sounded like “The Down Dirty Dog,” except for the one called either “Ape” or “Gorilla,” which involved bending over from a standing position and placing the entire palms of one’s hands under one’s feet. After awhile, I really wasn’t paying much attention. I sort of slumped down on my mat and wondered why an eighty-something year old woman with portable oxygen equipment would do this to me. Isn’t there some kind of rule that when people get to be a certain age they can’t screw around with your life?
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50 www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for examiner.comDC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
To receive updates from ImagineAge, enter your email in the “subscribe” box on the left side of the screen. Your email will NOT be sold!
On our midlife quest to use our newly acquired basic (and I mean basic) financial knowledge about stocks, bonds, mutual funds and all sorts of other gobbly gook (I mean important information), Jackie, Judy and I have been preparing for May 1st .The- big day when we use our new financial skills to actually start trading! We’ve decided to take $1,000.00 and see if we can make it grow (and whoever does best…wins.I’m not sure what we win but anyway…).
I’ve been keeping track of what I’ve been doing since we took the course less than two weeks ago.Here’s what I’ve done so far:
Day 1
I came home at the end of the course filled with excitement.That evening I opened my binder.Then I closed it.
Day 2
The next day I got up and took out my binder again and opened it.Then I took a break and got a cup of coffee.
I came back and reopened the binder, took a deep breath and told myself it was now or never. I turned to the first tab: Day to Day Financial Planning.That was hard work.I needed another break, so I checked my email.
Once I got a grip on myself, I opened Excel and made myself sit at my desk.This was not easy.I got out the personal budget template, followed the category headings and made one for myself in Excel.Okay, not bad.I emailed Judy and Jackie to gloat…er…let them know I’d actually accomplished my first task.I felt pretty good!
Day 3
I was on fire.I turned the page in my binder and created my Personal Budget.This, I admit was not fun. Rationalizing all my take-out meals and other unnecessary necessities took a lot out of me. Granted, there wasn’t a real RED FLAG anywhere, all the spending just looks bad when it’s in black and white on a spreadsheet.Still, overall ICK.
Day 4
Drained from looking at spreadsheets, I took a day off to slack off a bit and tried to figure out how to rationalize my spending on take-out and eating in restaurants. This was tougher than I thought.So, I took anther day off to gather strength.Note, I didn’t even start to think about how I’d begin the investment part of the project.
Day 5
I still wasn’t thinking about investing, but figured I’d start thinking about the idea of thinking about investing.So, I set out to organize (which means open the file drawer) some of our accounts so I’d actually know what was in them.Lo and behold, I found an account I’d long ago forgotten about – an old Fidelity IRA account I had from a long ago job way before I even started grad school. It was one of those accounts where I received a statement in the mail periodically.I’d usually just throw it away, and ever so occasionally, I’d open it, see the amount had decreased yet again and then throw the statement away.That was the old me.
The new me phoned the company and asked all sorts of questions using my newly acquired financial lingo. I realized that I never called about my retirement accounts prior to this because I didn’t even know enough to know what kinds of questions to ask. I felt empowered.
I decided this account would be used as my starting point.My first steps were made – I have my $1,000 in an account and now I’m ready to start figuring out what stocks to buy.Wish me (oh yeah, and Jackie and Judy) luck!!!
If you have any tips or suggestions for us, please let us know.And…
Who do you think will win this competition?
Are you for Team Jackie, Team Judy or Team Debbie? Leave your pick in the comment box below and it will be posted!
The inspiration for this column comes to you compliments of my friend Tracy. Tracy is beautiful, svelte, and has a killer sense of humor. It’s tough not to hate her sometimes. But, I’ll get past that and move on. Tracy is a die-hard Gym Rat. She has a trainer, who is a die-hard I’m-Here-For-You-And-To-Save-The-Planet-From-The-Ravages-Of-Junk Food-And-Anything-Else-Worth-Eating Trainer. She, the Trainer, sends her clients helpful emails that will allow them to give up food entirely so they can fit into cute size 00 workout apparel. I go to the gym daily, but I don’t presently have a trainer, and so I’m not receiving trainer emails. I was curious to see what Tracy’s trainer sent her.
The one she sent me this morning was headed: “Fast Facts From Fitness Matters—Poolside Primer.” There’s some really great alliteration going here. I would have made it perfect by saying: “Fast Facts From Fitness Forum…”(or some other F word that I can’t print here). That way there would be five F words and two P words. Cool, huh.
She follows with “Are you ready to put on a bathing suit?” This is not the way to get my attention, since I have been trying to prepare myself for putting on a bathing suit since 1993. I’m still not ready, and I don’t like to be pushed.
Here is the trainer’s suggestion for weight loss: “In order to lose weight, you must consume fewer calories than you expend on any given day.” This is a brilliant suggestion, but flawed: I don’t know how many calories I have expended during the day until the day is over, when it is too late to do anything about it. For example, last week, I had a mini-crisis with my real estate business involving someone not returning a phone call as a deadline rapidly approached. My response, an understandable response I might add, was to eat all of the chocolate we keep at the office for such emergencies. It was not until the day was over that I realized (too late, of course) that I had not run to New Jersey and back during the day, which would have used up most of the calories I had consumed.
The Trainer provides a handy chart, showing a gradual decline from “Very Hungry” (starving/desperate) all the way to “Much Too Full” (stuffed). She advises that people should live somewhere in the middle, in the “desirable range” of “Moderately Hungry” to “Mildly Full.” I have never, to my knowledge, visited this interesting, and desired, middle range. When I get hungry, I go immediately to “Red Alert You Will Perish If You Do Not Eat Immediately Very Hungry.” And, since our culture has conveniently provided me with food on virtually every street corner, I can leap to “Why On Earth Did I Eat That Stupid Thing I Am Much Too Full” in the time it takes me to park my car, run into a Seven-11, get back into my car and start plowing into whatever I purchased.
Following this on the email is the extremely helpful statement: “The really important question to ask yourself before you eat anything is ‘Am I really hungry?’ Tune in to the physical sensations you’re experiencing. Rate your hunger on the Hunger/Fullness Scale. If you aren’t really hungry, what else may be going on? You may be eating in response to emotions or stress.” I have done this many times. But, by the time I have completed this extremely valuable analysis of my entire life as it impacts on my need for food at that particular moment in time, the bag of chocolate covered pretzels or pint of coffee Haagen-Dazs or large package of those yummy little chocolate covered donettes are a mere memory.
The trainer asks, “Ever notice that when you’re really stressed, you tend to crave comfort foods that are high in fat or sugar?” Yes, I have actually noticed that, usually at that same aforementioned point in time when I am staring into the empty ice cream carton or candy wrapper or cookie box.
The trainer then informs us that Serotonin, Cortisol, and Neuropeptide Y are the three hormones that play a role in why we eat. They are sort of the “Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” of the diet and hormone world. I won’t say anything more about these, since they don’t come in a chocolate-covered edible version and so are really boring to talk about.
Come to think of it, I’m bored thinking about any of this. Time for a snack.
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50 www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for examiner.comDC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
To receive updates from ImagineAge, enter your email in the “subscribe” box on the left side of the screen. Your email will NOT be sold!
When my friend Susan goes on actual dates, she does exactly the same things that most people do. She goes out to dinner. She goes to the movies. She goes to female impersonator shows. But somehow, the end result always seems to veer off course.
Sometimes, she and the guy never even make it to the actual date. On one occasion, she and her date planned a picnic. They would meet in the parking lot near the picnic area. They had decided that they would each bring food. Susan was to bring the wine; her date was to bring an assortment of cheeses and crackers. A romantic first date was anticipated by Susan. Subsequent events would make her less optimistic. Her date was late, and then, when he finally arrived, she watched him circle the parking lot for about five minutes before he finally parked the car.
When he did finally did pull into a parking space and Susan came over to his car, she asked him if there was a problem. He said there was no problem, but he immediately complained about the day being so warm and his wanting a soda during the drive and stopping at a 7-11 to get one, but not being willing to spend $1.50. Susan then told him that she had wanted to call him to see why he was late, but she didn’t have his cell number. He told her he didn’t own a cell phone because they were too expensive.
They then walked to what Susan described as “the edge a cliff” (Susan doesn’t get into parks very often). Susan carried a bottle of wine and two glasses. She noticed that her date didn’t seem to be carrying anything.
By now, she was adding up all the negatives of the situation and deciding that she really just wanted to go home. She told him she wasn’t feeling well, and decided to pass on the “picnic.” Her date expressed concern and asked her if she wanted to just go back to his car, sit and eat the crackers and two slices of Velveeta that were in his pocket. Susan told him she was allergic to Velveeta and left. She took the bottle of wine home with her and consumed a fair amount of it that evening.
Another favorite of mine (I’m not sure why Susan doesn’t find quite the humor in it that I do), is one that I referred to briefly in a previous column. I will now divulge all the details. Susan and a man planned a movie date at a theater that was located in a shopping mall. By the time they arrived, the theater was packed, and they couldn’t find seats together. Her date rearranged the entire audience by telling them he was going to propose to her and they had to sit together. One of the people who was forced out of her seat was an elderly woman with a walker. She ended up being moved to the first row, and being separated from her companion, all in the name of “love.”
Susan was mortified, but she said nothing. The movie began and after about 30 minutes, Susan’s date announced that he was going to get popcorn. He then disappeared for an hour. Susan considered the possibilities and decided that one of two things had occurred. Either he had a heart attack and the EMT had taken him away, not knowing that he had a date still sitting in the movie. The other possibility was that the elderly woman in the front row had beaten him senseless with her walker.
It turned out that neither of these had occurred. Her date finally returned, loaded with packages. He said he had gone shopping because he didn’t like the movie. He especially needed a new pair of shoes, and luckily, he found a store that had the perfect ones. He then proceeded to dig into his shopping bag to show her. Susan was so stunned, she didn’t say a word. When the movie ended, she walked to the front of the theater to try to find the elderly woman and ask her if she could borrow her walker for a moment. But the woman had already left.
I will explore more of Susan’s antics in subsequent postings. Luckily for you and me, if not for Susan, there seems to be a never-ending supply.
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50 www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for examiner.comDC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
To receive updates from ImagineAge, enter your email in the “subscribe” box on the left side of the screen. Your email will NOT be sold!
After my friend Susan is contacted by men on various computer dating sites, and, after she continues to communicate with them via personal email and phone calls, she is able to eliminate most of them as not a good match for her. “Not a good match” may mean various things: One of the categories of “not-a-good-match” men include those who send her photos of their genitals. Susan assures me that this has happened on more than one occasion. I didn’t ask her if they were Glamour Shots or just candid. A second category that I have mentioned before are those who have yet to master the art of “spell check” on the computer. Here’s the most recent example, caps included:
YEP YOU ARE A LIVE WITH THE CHEESE AND CRACKERS YOU NEE WINE AND I WORK FOR A IMPORTER OF FINE FRENCH ARGENTINA AND SPANISH WINE I BE A GREAT PERSON TO GET TO KNOW
Another category includes men who have small children/pets/ex-wives (note: The children are small, but the pets and ex-wives can be any size) who take up most of their time. One man told Susan he had to go to his ex-wife’s house on a regular basis to mow the lawn. Unless he was destitute and worked out handyman/lawn services with the judge as a substitute for financial support, I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t quite ready to move on. Another had to end all dates by 8PM so he could go home and take care of his dog. About the only women he could develop a relationship with would be the ones who worked the night shift. A fourth category includes men who have other considerations that should preclude them from entering the dating world (or any other world, for that matter). One man told Susan he had no teeth and said that his son told him it might be a good idea to wait until he had his dentures before venturing out into the dating scene. Another man told Susan he was separated, and, when she asked him further, he revealed that “separated” meant that he was living in DC during the week and going home on weekends but had neglected to tell his wife that he considered himself “separated during his week in DC”) and then he couldn’t understand why Susan didn’t want to date someone who could have him all to herself all week long. If a man isn’t eliminated by any of the above circumstances, Susan usually agrees to meet him for coffee. She used to meet men for dinner, but I got really tired of hearing about four hour meetings, since the length of time usually had nothing to do with the quality of the date or the intention of either Susan or the man in question to ever get together again. The length of the meeting had more to do with Susan’s uncanny ability to have an hours- long conversation with anybody, including, in a pinch, inanimate objects. Because of this, I set ground rules for her: one hour at Starbucks or another place that serves coffee. Not a minute longer. Susan agreed, but she still came up with really creative ways to foil my best efforts. In the next episode, we will explore some of these.
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50 www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for examiner.comDC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
To receive updates from ImagineAge, enter your email in the “subscribe” box on the left side of the screen. Your email will NOT be sold!
she moves behind me in this race.
If you would like to receive updates when new blogs are posted, type your email address in the 
