Did I Ever Tell You…?

BLOGGER:  MARY LANGUIRAND, PHD

There are days when it takes all the self control I possess to be with Carol, a pleasant 87 year old woman with mild age-related cognitive loss.  I can empathize with the complaints about the kids who don’t visit often enough, the aide who forgets to put her phone within reach, and the salad with the wilted lettuce.  However, I sometimes think that if I hear one more repetition of the story about how her husband bought her a cherished emerald ring in 1973, I may tear out my hair.  It’s a long story, it never changes, and I believe I’ve heard it at least twice a month for the past three years.

Short-term memory tends to fade with advanced age, as it is based on such factors as ability to attend to the environment, maintain focused concentration, and track complex information. As illness, diminished energy and perceptual changes erode some of those capacities, the ability to recall recent information diminishes.  In contrast, memories from years past strengthen, having been reviewed and repeated (and revised and edited) many times. Caregivers often marvel that Mom can’t remember her upcoming doctor’s appointment, but can tell you what she paid for milk in 1964.

You might think that listening to the same story over and over would be a neutral or—at worst—a mildly boring experience.  After all, we hear all sorts of things repeatedly—recorded messages on trains and busses, the music in TV jingles, liturgical passages at religious ceremonies—and many people find the familiar tolerable, and even soothing.  Why then, do so many caregivers report that hearing yet again about Dad’s heroic actions in the fields of Korea or Mom’s days as a cheerleader can drive them to drink?

Much of the frustration comes from the fact that this sort of repetition is one of the most inescapable “proofs” that someone has reached a point where they are more comfortable in the past than in the here-and-now, and that this isn’t likely to change.  The effort of attending to current realities is too much, and they’ve surrendered to the comfort of the familiar.  The content of these repeated tales is also rather telling, as it can give some clues to those events and experiences that impacted the person most profoundly: If a parent’s most cherished memory relates to things that happened long before you were born, what does that say about you?

Repetition apparently isn’t limited to the senior set…  When emailing a younger colleague recently, I shared a past experience that I thought resonated with some current events, and was quite chagrined when reminded that I’d already told that story.  I felt rather hurt that my misplaced effort at empathy (and the chance to recount how I’d saved the day ‘back in the day’) apparently generated boredom and annoyance, along with the message that I’m forgetful.  No kidding—I really don’t remember having told that one before…

Once I moved past the hurt feelings, I began to think about getting my act together and scoring some points in the present, instead of resting on past laurels, which is probably a good thing.   I also began to develop a new appreciation for Carol’s experience. I thought about my own response to her oft-told story about the emerald ring, and how I regularly discount her need to re-live a time when she felt loved and special. I just hope profoundly that I don’t communicate my impatience as clearly as my colleague did.

I can’t honestly say that the story took on a new glow when I heard it again, but I did realize that maybe Carol shares it with me because our interactions remind her of that time when she felt valued, and appreciated, with years of life yet to be lived and goals yet to be accomplished.  Maybe I need to put more effort into helping her to recapture those feelings in her current relationships.

Realize that when someone relates an experience to you you’re hearing about it for a reason.  Don’t just hear, listen.

Mary Languirand and Robert Bornstein are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press.  The second edition, revised and updated, was recently released.  Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO RECEIVE UPDATES ON BLOG POSTS, PLEASE ENTER YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN WHERE IT SAYS ”SUBSCRIBE”.

To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!

To join the ImagineAge Group on Facebook, click here!

If you enjoyed this, click the button below to share it!

Happy Holidays?

Happy Holidays?

(Or, Here’s Wishing the Grinch Would Just Steal Xmas Already)

BLOGGERS:  Mary A. Langiurand, PhD & Robert F. Bornstein, PhD

Across America, real-life families will soon gather around festive holiday tables to enjoy gourmet feasts, basking in the comfort of warmth and plenty, giving thanks for the many gifts they have received this past year. It goes without saying that the greatest gift of all is the gift of family—those beloved, loving people who stick by us in good times and bad, give our lives meaning, make us happy and proud. Oh, people have their little differences, of course, but truly, at the end of the day family is what matters. That’s why we have holidays…

Most of our patients believe all of the above. They are also convinced that theirs is the most dysfunctional, annoying clan on the planet. The leaky ceiling over the less-than-Martha-Stewart-worthy table could be tolerated, as could the mismatched chairs and cramped quarters. Ditto the dry turkey, lumpy gravy, and assorted vegetable horrors cobbled together by committee. Thoughtless gifts—the toolkit for you (who can’t change a light bulb), or the brightly lit magnifying makeup mirror for your sister (who frets endlessly over her crow’s feet)…..those too could be borne with humor and grace. After all, it’ll be a good story for your friends. But the people! How in a just world could you possibly be related to them? Maybe you were mixed up with someone else at birth. Imagine a room filled with willfully annoying fools who just happen to have your entire history at their fingertips (complete with youthful mistakes, former passions, 70s disco-era photos, and other horrors), and whose notion of a good time is making fun of you.

Or perhaps you’re the hostess, opening the home you slaved to clean and decorate, watching your guests put sucked-on bone fragments into your centerpiece, smear your good napkins with indelible lipstick, and render your bathroom unusable. Maybe you got everybody to agree to détente for just one day, only to find that your cousin’s notion of truce is to choose today to come out of the closet to his fundamentalist parents and introduce his lover to everyone at your party. Or maybe you’re the one who couldn’t take one more minute of your brother’s yammering on about his great career and big raise and over-the-top vacation, so you chose today to remind him of how his success came at your expense. At the end of the day, the house is a shambles, and everybody’s in tears (except for Cousin Mildred, who’s locked in the bathroom). Surely nobody else has to deal with this, nobody…

Let’s get real.

To some degree, everybody deals with this, all the time. Real life isn’t perfect, and neither are families. Illness and death, poverty and disappointment, bad choices and worse luck happen. Further, most folks don’t accept these experiences with dignity and grace all the time, and tend to let down their guard when surrounded by people close to them. If you choose to see this as intolerable and unacceptable, you’re not going to enjoy the holidays. But if you choose to see it as an unpleasant but tolerable fact of life, you’ve got a chance of salvaging the season.

Remember that you have choices, and you are where you chose to be. If you’re thinking, “You don’t get it—I can’t just not go” you’re wrong. If you really, truly don’t want to deal with the dysfunction of a holiday meal, you can opt not to attend—it’s your call. There will be consequences; your decision will make some people angry and unhappy, and you will eventually have to address that with them. But if you feel strongly enough that this really isn’t something you want to do with your life and time, you don’t have to do it

If you choose to attend, you can also choose to engage or not to take the bait when the dysfunction fires up. You know these people well enough to predict their behavior, so figure out what’s likeliest to get to you, and then plan how you’d like to respond to defuse the situation. Practice the response in your mirror a few times, and when the zingers start, use your now-practiced skills. Change the subject, respond minimally, take a walk around the block, or just don’t respond. You probably won’t get it quite right at first, so keep practicing—you’ll get better at it over time. If you don’t feel able to develop these strategies on your own, seek professional help (no kidding). Therapists have pre-holiday rushes of new patients for good reasons.

If you really want peace, do not escalate a volatile situation artificially. Alcohol may make some situations more tolerable in the short term, but it will ultimately disinhibit behavioral controls. Ditto sleeplessness, too much noise, too little space, too much or too little heat. Don’t overdo, and avoid the obvious pitfalls. Take care of yourself. Spend at least some time with the people who really do make you happy, doing things you really do like to do. These might be ordinary water cooler moments rehashing the game, or coffee with a friend, far from the madding crowd.

And when it’s all done, don’t forget to get your share of leftovers to take home. These are, after all, the best part.

Robert Bornstein and Mary Languirand are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press.  The second edition, revised and updated, was recently released.  Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901

If you enjoyed this blog, click below to share it with others!

To find out more about Robert Bornstein, click his photo.

To receive blog updates from ImagineAge, enter your email in the “subscribe” box on the left side of the screen.  Your email WILL NOT be sold!

To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!

To join the ImagineAge Group on Facebook, click here!

CAREGIVER’S GUIDE TO MANAGING MULTIPLE ROLES

Stretching to Cover:

The Caregiver’s Guide to Managing Multiple Roles

BLOGGERS:  Mary A. Languirand, PhD and Robert F. Bornstein, PhD

The typical caregiver has many roles–daughter or son, spouse, parent, co-worker, sibling, friend…..the list goes on.  Some of these are supporting roles, with modest demands, but some are leading roles with multiple responsibilities.  The juxtaposition of large and small, crucial and trivial, short-term and long-term requires a lot of cognitive and emotional readjustment.  It sounds easy until you try to do it.  The sheer energy required to shift perspective from one role to another is one part of the stress.  Weighing competing views and opinions is another.  When everybody needs a piece of you, allotting your time and energy becomes a complex balancing act.

We’re always amazed at the flexibility shown by many caregivers.  There you are, talking on the cell phone with children, or directing clients or office staff on important matters as you tote drugstore bags with Mom’s favorite lipstick and hand lotion, her laundry neatly folded in a duffle on the other arm.  When you think about all the steps involved in those processes, and all the details you’re juggling, it’s amazing you can keep it all straight.  But what’s the impact–what’s the cost?

Great thinkers encourage us to ‘live in the moment,’ and savor life as it happens.  It’s a terrific idea, but when you have many roles the actual experience is very different–at any given moment, you must think about your next move, your next meeting, next week, next month, and next year.  Someone recently remarked that most days they begin work while still in the shower–funny, but true.  The shower, the drive to work, and the other moments of ‘down time’ can quickly be absorbed in thinking about our responsibilities.  We ruminate about work while driving, focus on the kids’ recital during a meeting, generate a grocery list at the recital.  The result is the feeling of always being ‘elsewhere’ or in the ‘wrong’ mode.  This is less of a problem while in the shower than it is when you’re behind the wheel (since research suggests that half of all car accidents are due to driver distraction), but it’s still a problem.

People are often surprised to see the data on multitasking.  Not only is the practice actually less efficient than doing one thing at a time, it also has emotional costs.  Not being fully present in what’s happening causes you to miss events going on around you–you’re there, but derive little benefit.  Further, those close to you really do notice–and sometimes resent–your ‘absent presence’.  Bosses, clients, spouses, and children are notoriously intolerant of anything less than your undivided attention.  However, their resentment–whether or not they express it directly–likely pales next to that of an ill or aging loved one.

When you’re ill your world tends to shrink.  Makes sense if you think about it: The personal relevance of many matters outside your immediate environment becomes increasingly remote.  From a psychological viewpoint, this is good energy conservation–you don’t waste precious time on things that aren’t affecting you.  It also captures one part of ‘being in the moment’ quite brilliantly.  However, it can be problematic when dealing with those still focused on more distant matters.

When you’ve had a horrible day at work, gotten bad news about the kids, and sloshed through evil traffic in two inches of sleet to deliver your loved one’s laundry (all the while listening to news about the tanking economy and mortgage meltdowns), you should get a little credit for your care giving efforts.  You might even want a little sympathy.  You’re more likely to get criticized for ‘not visiting enough’ before getting an earful about everything that went wrong while you were away….

So what can you do to cope?  Three things:

1.  Role pruning

Those who have pondered deep philosophical matters all come around to the same conclusions: Life is precious, time is fleeting, and there aren’t any do-overs.  You can’t ever get lost time back, so give some thought to what you’re doing and why.  Review each of your commitments, and take a hard look at what you give and get in each.  You can’t just ditch some roles when they’re no longer fun.  If this were possible, few teenagers would still have their parents’ address or phone number.  However, you can re-evaluate the roles you’ve taken on, and change those that aren’t fulfilling.  Some burdens are eased by reminding yourself that they’re temporary.  You can also delegate responsibilities.  In spite of how it may sometimes feel, you are not the only person in the world able to do some tasks.  Share the burden–ask for help.

2.   Set some limits

Figure out how much time you want to allocate to each role, and stick to those guidelines.  True, some flexibility is in order here: Emergent situations do arise, and require appropriate action.  However, if some parts of your life seem to generate constant chaos and absorb most of your energies, it might be time to put on the brakes.  Leave losing battles, and give more of yourself to those things that re-energize you.  This is based on sound psychological principles: Reinforce desirable behavior, and withdraw reinforcement from bad behavior.  So if your loved one is truly being impossible, it’s OK to visit briefly and call it a day–you’ll stay longer when she’s in a better mood.  You can advise her of what you’re doing and why if you want to, but it really isn’t necessary.  The beauty of reinforcement principles is that they impact behavior naturally, regardless of whether the person is aware of it.

3.   Take care of yourself

We’re bombarded by the same messages over and over for a reason:  they’re important, they’re usually true, and most of the time they work.  So here’s a good message: You must reserve time for yourself if you’re going to function optimally.  Maintaining your own health is crucial; if you get sick, nobody wins.  Exercise, time spent with friends, adequate sleep, proper diet, and a few little indulgences and self-rewards are essential if you want to keep going.  Being a good caregiver means taking care of yourself as well.  You’re not being selfish–it’s just common sense.

Robert Bornstein and Mary Languirand are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press. The second edition, revised and updated, was just released. Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901

To find out more about Robert Bornstein, click his photo to read his bio and click the links to read his other blogs.

To receive ImagineAge updates, enter your email on the left side of the screen in the “subscribe” box.

Stress and the Family Post 9/11

Stress and the Family System Post 9/11

BLOGGER:  ROBERT F. BORNSTEIN

Shortly after 9/11 I got a phone call from a news organization.  Because I study stress and its effects, they wanted to know how the terrorist attacks would affect families over the long term, and how these events might disrupt the rhythm of our lives.  I said that I thought the attacks would have a negative impact on many families–even those living far from New York, DC, and Pennsylvania–leading to increases in substance abuse, domestic violence, and emergency room visits.

A year or so later the news organization called again.  I had been right, and they wanted to talk about why.  Beginning in late 2001 and continuing through much of 2002, domestic violence rates spiked nationwide.  So did substance abuse, ER visits, and (believe it or not) car accidents–including minor fender-benders.

What changed following 9/11?  Why were people so disrupted?

Part of the impact was external: It came from the uncertainty that resulted from the attacks, uncertainty stoked by the constant reminders that not matter what we did, we remained vulnerable.  (Remember those check points, endless airport security lines, and jarring threat-level announcements every evening on the news?)

Some of the impact came not from without, but from within–from the impact of 9/11 on family dynamics and interactions.

Families are like interconnected, interlocking systems, with each part of the system–each person–playing a role.  Over time families develop a kind of equilibrium, as people carve out their niche within the group, and everyone settles into their prescribed role.  One child might be the “good son”, or “good daughter”; another child takes on the role of troublemaker.  Mom might be the family organizer and rule-maker; Dad’s role becomes that of “fun parent”.

It’s not a perfect dynamic, but it works: We humans prefer predictability over uncertainty, and even if the system has its flaws (what family doesn’t), at least we know how we fit in, how others will behave, and–most important–what’s expected of us.

And therein lies the answer: Over the long term, many of the lasting negative effects of 9/11 came from disruptions in the family system, as people were forced to modify their well-practiced roles in response to a changing world.  Disrupted roles destabilized some fragile relationships; the result was an increase in domestic violence.  Everyday tasks that we used to complete without thinking became more effortful; we were distracted now, so car accidents increased.  And as always, some people coped with stress and uncertainty by overusing alcohol or drugs–“self-medicating” is the formal term.  The result: Increased substance abuse.

As I wrote in a previous ImagineAge blog, stress isn’t something that happens to us, it’s something that happens within us.  And 9/11 proved this yet again.

Let me offer another prediction–and not a happy one: These increases in substance use and domestic violence….they’re going to happen again.  This time it won’t be in response to terrorist attacks, but in reaction to economic stress and uncertainty.

Knowing these things are likely to occur doesn’t stop them from happening, but it does allow us to plan more effectively.  If you feel that you (or your family) may be stressed beyond their limits, take action.  Seek help from a professional therapist (as Mark Hilsenroth’s recent blog describes so well), and take steps to gain control of your finances–make reasoned (not panicked) decisions.  Ben Pierson’s blogs will be very helpful here.

And a year from now we’ll look back and see what happened.

What are your thoughts?

To find out about Dr. Bornstein, click here to read his bio.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO RECEIVE UPDATES ON BLOG POSTS, PLEASE ENTER YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN WHERE IT SAYS “SUBSCRIBE”.

How to Find a Good Therapist

How Do I Find a “Good Therapist?”  A Few Practical Suggestions

BLOGGER: MARK J. HILSENROTH, PhD

I’m often asked by friends, neighbors and, sometimes, family “How do I find a ‘Good’ therapist?”  I suspect this is because when people actually know a therapist and they’re struggling with a problem they’d like to get some professional advice.  This is similar to the way I ask my neighbor who’s an electrician about problems I’ve had when trying to hook up new appliances or install those automatic outdoor lights (the kind that turn on when people walk by).  In some respects the answer is about as straightforward as the wiring of my old 1952 colonial.  So first I usually let out a deep exhale and say, “Well, that’s a really good question and I’m not sure there’s a simple answer.  What makes a ‘Good’ therapist for one person, might be different for another person.”  After making that and additional disclaimers that this is a complex issue with no clear cut answer, I provide a few practical suggestions which I own as being more what I personally would look for in a therapist, but which I hope may be helpful. 

The first thing I suggest is that you gather a list of phone numbers for several potential therapists (at least half a dozen).  You can then contact these therapists about their availability and price, both of which can vary widely.  If you intend to use your insurance to pay for a therapist you can usually obtain a list of providers from your health plan.  However, if you don’t have insurance to use for therapy, the phone book usually has several pages of licensed therapists from which you can choose.   Concerning availability, it’s important to think ahead about the time and place that would be most convenient for you to attend therapy.  Specifically you may want to work with someone who has an office either near your home, place of work, or on the commute between the two.  Related to this, think about days and times that would work best for you.  This way when you speak with someone on the phone about scheduling you’ll know what will work out and what won’t.  Generally, I suggest that people schedule a session when they don’t need to be anywhere or do anything immediately afterwards.  Psychotherapy is one of those things, not unlike a physical workout, where you might need some time to “stretch” emotionally and psychologically afterwards to solidify your gains as to not cramp up or pull something later. 

What therapists charge for a session can also vary widely, and if you are paying out of pocket it is worthwhile to inquire if a therapist has a “sliding fee scale.”  This means a therapist will adjust (i.e., the “sliding” part) his/her fee depending on your yearly income (i.e., the “scale” part) in order to make psychotherapy more available for those who may normally not be able to afford it. While this practice is becoming increasingly rare, it may still be possible to find some therapists willing to engage in this socially responsible behavior.  One place you’re most likely to find a sliding fee scale is at a university training clinic.  Many universities, especially those with graduate programs in either psychology or social work, have an outpatient clinic in which graduate students provide therapy and are actively supervised by licensed faculty members.  This is usually a very economical treatment option and the available data suggests you’ll likely get effective treatment and realize substantial benefits.  Although, the trade off for seeking services at a training clinic is that you’ll have less input into choosing a therapist and you’ll likely get assigned one based on caseload, availability, etc.  However, concerns and requests are often taken into consideration.  Related to the issue of your fee, ask how long the sessions are that you’ll be paying for.  You see psychotherapy is one of those things, not unlike an episode of Twilight Zone or Outer Limits, where an “hour” generally isn’t really an “hour,” but rather 45 or 50 minutes for a session.  Check to see how long you will have.

Even more important than availability or price issues, an additional reason to make phone contact with your pool of potential therapists is to provide you with initial information on how they relate to you.  That is, how long does it take them to return your call?  And when they do speak with you on the phone, how comfortable did you feel during that interaction? I suspect that this step will help you narrow your original number down to one or a few people who are available during some of the times you are, in your price range and who, most importantly, interacted with you in a way that led you to feel some comfort and connection with them.  If you find you can’t decide between two or even three people you may want to consider setting up a time to meet each for an “initial consultation,” in order to get a better sense of how they might work with you.  Now let me be clear, ethically, one therapist can’t see someone who is already working with another therapist.  That is, you can only be in one individual therapy at a time (this doesn’t apply to individual therapy plus couples, family, or group therapy, that is ok) and I am not recommending that you do anything other than this.  Rather, I would say to each that you’re trying to find a therapist and you’d like to meet them for a “one session consultation” in order to get a better sense of how you might work together.  I expect that many therapists would respect such a request, and I personally wouldn’t want to work with someone who didn’t.  In sum, it’s ok to be an informed consumer, especially with something as important as picking an individual with whom you intend to share the most personal of information.

The reason I keep suggesting that you pay careful attention to your sense of connection with the therapist you choose to work with is related to the “science” part of my advice on this issue.  One of the strongest predictors related to eventual improvement in psychotherapy is the strength of this “treatment relationship” between you and your therapist.  Referred to as the “therapeutic alliance” in the research literature it consists of feelings of trust in, and bond with, the therapist, a sense of shared purpose and collaboration in determining the goals of treatment, as well as an agreement on the tasks, or route, to achieve those goals, and a confidence that despite being a painful process, you are moving together toward something better.  What is also striking about the research in this area is that this relationship develops very quickly, usually within the first few sessions, and that these feelings from even the first month of treatment are often highly related to the ultimate success of treatment.  This information can be very helpful in choosing the therapist that may be right for you, and also in evaluating your decision once you start treatment.

I would also suggest that if after the first month of working with a therapist you don’t feel this sense of connection, bond, trust and collaboration you bring this up with your therapist.  I know this sounds like a scary thing to do, but your therapy is very important and if you’re not feeling like your therapist is an ally invested in you or that process then it’s vital that this be discussed so your work together becomes effective.  I am not suggesting that you simply stop going to therapy if you feel a lack of connection, as I think doing so might foreclose an important opportunity for growth.  As the old saying goes, “It takes two to tango” and it’s possible that this could apply to someone’s lack of connection to their therapist.  Why I suggest bringing up these feelings in therapy, before you consider leaving, is so you could check this out.  I would expect a ‘Good’ therapist to take your concerns seriously, responsibly explore their own contribution to that lack of connection and then work with you to understand what each of you may be contributing to the process that has led to the current situation.  Such an interaction can often lead you to a greater awareness about yourself and your patterns of relating.  It can also provide an avenue for deepening the relationship with your therapist. On the other hand, I would be very concerned if, after voicing this issue, you were to feel blamed or attacked, or that your concerns were ignored, dismissed, or simply met with silence.

At this point people usually ask me if I know anyone who might be a good match for them. Whenever I do make a referral, I always end by saying “Now, no matter what I may think about this person, it doesn’t mean that they will be a good match for you.  Again, sometimes a ‘Good’ therapist for one person might not always be a ‘Good’ therapist for someone else.” I would say this is true of any therapist, even one who may come highly recommended or who is well respected in the community.  No matter how highly recommended a therapist may be, always trust your sense of what seems right for you regarding that sense of connection and trust.  This is much more important than “reputation.”  Again, in my opinion, you can express such concerns to a ‘Good’ therapist and they’ll respond to you in a way which allows you both to move forward effectively in the work to come.

So in summary, I believe that a ‘Good’ therapist, much like the wiring in my old house, helps to provide light in dark places, warmth in times of cold, and power to the adaptive abilities (i.e. appliances) that help us to live most effectively.

 IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO RECEIVE UPDATES ON BLOG POSTS, PLEASE ENTER YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN WHERE IT SAYS “SUBSCRIBE”.

 ___________________________________________________________

 

How to Manage Your Grouchy Guy

How to Manage Your Grouchy Guy

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS

            You thought you fell in love with a wonderful guy and you thought you would settle into a comfortable easy going relationship once the honeymoon phase of the relationship was over. But instead you find yourself living with a first-class grouch and you don’t know what to do about it. What is a grouchy guy? These are the defining characteristics of a grouchy guy:

1)    His mood tends to be chronically irritable and cranky. He responds with annoyance to minor frustrations.

2)    He is faultfinding about stupid little things and prone to starting arguments about trivial matters. He makes mountains out of molehills.

3)     He blames you for everything as though every minor frustration he suffers is your fault. He implies or says outrightly that you are ruining his life.

4)     He treats you like you’re an idiot if you don’t immediately get something he is saying.

5)    He gets annoyed and pushes you away when you reach out affectionately to him looking for some love and attention as though you’re a pathetically needy person.

6)    He has a generally contemptuous attitude towards you though he’d deny it if you confronted him. He’d claim you’re too being too sensitive.

7)    He may make sarcastic or belittling comments towards you, even in front of other people. If you confront him on it, he will claim he’s just kidding around and will ask incredulously what’s wrong with you that you can’t you take a joke.

    If you sympathetically ask your partner what’s bothering him, he will deny that anything is wrong and will respond as though that’s an irritating question.

9)    He demonstrates diminished interest in sex with you but claims everything is just fine if asked.

            You know what it is like to live with a guy like this. You are angry all the time because he treats you in such a hostile rejecting manner. But because he denies everything, he makes you feel that it’s all in your head and you must be crazy. It’s not good for your self-worth because he is making you feel like he finds himself trapped living with a person he finds absolutely insufferable. He acts like he is just staying with you out of some misguided sense of begrudging obligation. And when you finally lose your patience with his chronic but denied grouchiness and you lose your temper, he looks at you with utter disgust as though you are the biggest bitch in the entire world! Then you feel guilty as though you have probably deserved to be treated poorly all along. You can’t imagine why in the world he stays with you and why he just doesn’t go out and immediately replace you with someone nicer. You might even begin to think that maybe you should feel grateful that he puts up with you at all.

Or maybe you are wondering why you put up with him at all and maybe you should just dump the jerk and find somebody nicer, somebody who is lower maintenance.

But if at least for the time being you are sticking with your grouchy guy and trying to figure out what to do with him, I can give you some advice about how to try to make the best of a bad situation. First, I have to give you some advice about what not to do because it’s very easy to make a bad situation a whole lot worse than it already is. Firstly, you have to learn how to restrain yourself from reacting defensively to the hostile and rejecting way your grouchy guy treats you. Understandably, you feel hurt and angry and want to express your hurt and anger openly. Unfortunately, grouchy guys don’t know how to deal with women’s feelings and just become more antagonized the more you try to force them to understand how you really feel. Grouchy guys, especially when they are angry are empathy impaired. They get freaked out by a crying woman who seems wounded by their abrasiveness. Crying just makes a grouchy guy feel guilty and when he feels guilty he either becomes even more argumentative or withdraws in anger. Grouchy men see crying women as weak and then have contempt for them. Appearing hurt and wounded doesn’t get you anywhere with a grouchy guy. They think it’s manipulative.

            Maybe you get angry when your grouchy guy isn’t being nice and to assert yourself you express your anger. But the next thing you know you are have a screaming match on your hands and things are getting pretty ugly, maybe even in front of the kids. Getting angry doesn’t get you anywhere because then you turn into his scolding mother. If you get angry he will no longer see you as the sexy romantic partner he once loved because you have morphed into his disciplinarian mother who is trying to force him to be obedient. Naturally, he will become only more rebellious. You might get him to begrudgingly submit out of guilt but he will hold it against you and get even with you one way or another, perhaps even by cheating on you with someone at work who seduces him by seeming more indulgent and accommodating than you are.

            Of course, you could just try to ignore his grouchiness and try not to let it bother you and try to learn to live with it. But because he is a grouchy guy and is trying to get a rise out of you, he’s just going to drive you crazy until you lose it. If you try to ignore his chronic irritability and constant put downs, you are just going to build up resentment like a pressure cooker until you finally explode. So what do you do if you can’t just ignore him, can’t express your hurt feelings openly, and can’t express your angry feelings openly? What options are left?

            Fortunately, there are two good options left which are more likely to be effective with a grouchy guy: 1) Good natured teasing and 2) Firm limit setting.

            Grouchy guys have often lost their sense of humor. Every little thing about you is annoying to them and they have to constantly harp on the fact of how everything you do drives them crazy. The basic idea of good natured teasing is that every time your grouchy guy says something critical, insulting, or bossy, you don’t have to take it seriously, just make a joke about it. For example, your grouchy guy starts scolding you for misplacing his favorite coffee mug that he can’t find. You can argue that you didn’t misplace his coffee mug or that even if you did what’s the big deal and you’ll probably have a huge fight on your hands about a stupid little thing. But you could kid around and say something like: “I hid it on purpose because I know you can’t live without your favorite coffee mug” or “Why don’t you take care of your coffee mug yourself if you don’t like the way I take care of things around here, you’re a big boy, now so learn to take care of yourself.” To women’s ears these comments might sound too harsh, even emasculating, but this is the kind of language that grouchy guys understand. This is the way grouchy guys deal with each other, through what I call “verbal roughhousing.” Grouchy guys like to play rough, that’s the way they deal with all their pent-up aggression. Grouchy guys have to be taught a lesson: “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.” You have to show them that you don’t take them too seriously when they are acting like a first class jerk. You need to make fun of them when they are acting insufferably to show them that they have lost your respect. In cultures where there is very little male aggression, it is achieved because the men relentlessly mock each other when they get out of line until the men acquire better self-control of their aggressive impulses. Men respect sassy women who can put them in their place by a witty put down. Unfortunately, in our culture it is usually the men who make jokes and the women who are the appreciative audience for men’s humor. But sometimes in a marriage there has to be a role reversal and the women need to get their grouchy guys to lighten up and not take themselves so seriously.

            Your grouchy guy will really appreciate you if you can learn how to diffuse a tense situation with humor. But you have to understand that the type of humor that most grouchy guys like is rude, crude, and lewd, not always the witty repartee we see in old fashioned romantic comedies. If you can learn to amuse your grouchy guy with that sort of humor, you will have him eating of your hand and he will feel like he is the luckiest guy in the world. It will also re-awaken his waning sexual interest in you. Grouchy guys want to have sex with women who can make them laugh.

            Humor only works when a grouchy guy is mildly annoyed. Humor doesn’t work when a grouchy guy is really angry. Then he is too far gone to be reached by humor. Once he is really angry he can’t even think straight so you can’t really have a rational dialogue with him. So what women have to learn is to not even try to have a rational discussion with a grouchy guy once he has lost it. It’s better to tell him that he is out of control and out of line, that you won’t talk to him if he is going to talk to you in such a disrespectful way, and that he better go off by himself to cool down and don’t talk to you until he can talk to you in a calm and respectful way. Thus you have to set limits on his grouchiness by refusing to talk to him unless he can talk to you like a civilized and mature adult. First you try to diffuse a tense situation with a little humor but if that doesn’t work set a limit on him and tell him to get out your face until he calms down.

Once a grouchy guy cools down he will be nicer and more conciliatory. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to do this because they want the immediate reassurance in the midst of an ugly fight that everything is OK. Women hate it when men withdraw in anger because they feel rejected, if not abandoned, by the men they love. But it is better to let your grouchy guy withdraw in anger until he is ready to make nice. Forcing him to reassure you that he still loves you when he is fuming with anger is just going to result in an even bigger blow-up.

            So these are the basic tools of effective grouchy guy management. Don’t ignore him, don’t act hurt and wounded, don’t scold him, and don’t pressure him for reassurance. That will only further antagonize him and make a bad situation a whole lot worse. Use humor and good natured teasing, preferably a bit crude and lewd, to diffuse a tense situation when your grouchy guy is mildly annoyed. When he is really angry give him a time out until he calms down and sounds conciliatory. Good luck learning to manage your grouchy guy because you deserve better.

  Let me know what you think.

To read more about Dr. Josephs, click here

 IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO RECEIVE UPDATES ON BLOG POSTS, PLEASE ENTER YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN WHERE IT SAYS “SUBSCRIBE”.