Sex and the Sixty: The Date

Sex and the Sixty: The Date

Blogger: Renee Fisher

Before reading, if you haven’t read the first three blogs in the series, you can click the links below:

Sex and the Sixty: Online Dating

Sex and the Sixty: Susan Gets Online

Sex and the Sixty: Not a Good Match

Sex and the Sixty: The Coffee Shop

When my friend Susan goes on actual dates, she does exactly the same things that most people do.  She goes out to dinner.  She goes to the movies.  She goes to female impersonator shows.  But somehow, the end result always seems to veer off course.

Sometimes, she and the guy never even make it to the actual date.  On one occasion, she and her date planned a picnic.  They would meet in the parking lot near the picnic area.  They had decided that they would each bring food.  Susan was to bring the wine; her date was to bring an assortment of cheeses and crackers.  A romantic first date was anticipated by Susan.  Subsequent events would make her less optimistic.  Her date was late, and then, when he finally arrived, she watched him circle the parking lot for about five minutes before he finally parked the car.

When he did finally did pull into a parking space and Susan came over to his car, she asked him if there was a problem.  He said there was no problem, but he immediately complained about the day being so warm and his wanting a soda during the drive and stopping at a 7-11 to get one, but not being willing to spend $1.50.  Susan then told him that she had wanted to call him to see why he was late, but she didn’t have his cell number.  He told her he didn’t own a cell phone because they were too expensive.

They then walked to what Susan described as “the edge a cliff” (Susan doesn’t get into parks very often).   Susan carried a bottle of wine and two glasses.  She noticed that her date didn’t seem to be carrying anything.

By now, she was adding up all the negatives of the situation and deciding that she really just wanted to go home.  She told him she wasn’t feeling well, and decided to pass on the “picnic.”  Her date expressed concern and asked her if she wanted to just go back to his car, sit and eat the crackers and two slices of Velveeta that were in his pocket.  Susan told him she was allergic to Velveeta and left.  She took the bottle of wine home with her and consumed a fair amount of it that evening.

Another favorite of mine (I’m not sure why Susan doesn’t find quite the humor in it that I do), is one that I referred to briefly in a previous column.  I will now divulge all the details.  Susan and a man planned a movie date at a theater that was located in a shopping mall.  By the time they arrived, the theater was packed, and they couldn’t find seats together.  Her date rearranged the entire audience by telling them he was going to propose to her and they had to sit together. One of the people who was forced out of her seat was an elderly woman with a walker.  She ended up being moved to the first row, and being separated from her companion, all in the name of “love.”

Susan was mortified, but she said nothing.  The movie began and after about 30 minutes, Susan’s date announced that he was going to get popcorn.  He then disappeared for an hour.  Susan considered the possibilities and decided that one of two things had occurred.   Either he had a heart attack and the EMT had taken him away, not knowing that he had a date still sitting in the movie.  The other possibility was that the elderly woman in the front row had beaten him senseless with her walker.

It turned out that neither of these had occurred.  Her date finally returned, loaded with packages.  He said he had gone shopping because he didn’t like the movie.  He especially needed a new pair of shoes, and luckily, he found a store that had the perfect ones.  He then proceeded to dig into his shopping bag to show her.  Susan was so stunned, she didn’t say a word.  When the movie ended, she walked to the front of the theater to try to find the elderly woman and ask her if she could borrow her walker for a moment.  But the woman had already left.

I will explore more of Susan’s antics in subsequent postings.  Luckily for you and me, if not for Susan, there seems to be a never-ending supply.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50  www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for  examiner.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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Sex and the Sixty: The Coffee Shop

Sex and the Sixty: The Coffee Shop

BLOGGER:  RENEE FISHER

Before reading, if you haven’t read the first three blogs in the series, you can click the links below:

When Susan agreed to my rules about coffee only/60 minute maximum, she decided it would be a good idea to knock out (well, not literally) as many men as possible on a daily basis, and thus began setting up two coffee dates per weekend day, one per hour. The venue was a local bagel bakery in a crowded suburb of DC.

On one especially lucrative day, Susan managed to schedule three men, back-to-back.  She set up a 10:00 a.m. date, went in, got a cup of coffee, sat innocently at the table in a bright chartreuse shirt (easily identifiable so that no man would ever mistake another woman for her), and waited for her date.  Enter Date #1.  He found her, they chatted.  After approximately 50 minutes, she walked him out the door, said good-bye in the parking lot and then headed back into the bagel place.

She then touched up her lipstick, rid herself of the cup of coffee, and checked to make sure her mascara was still in place.  I’m not sure why Susan felt that the act of drinking coffee would damage her mascara, unless the coffee were so hot as to make her make up evaporate, in which case, it would also have been suitable material for a lawsuit.

She then procured another cup of coffee and waited for her next victim (oops, date).  Date #2 entered, and he and Susan went through the same scenario.  In 45-50 minutes, Date #2 was out the door.  For her third date, Susan re-entered the bagel bakery, and she was handed her third cup of coffee.  As she walked away from the counter to pay for it, she overheard one of the cashiers whisper to another cashier “Ah, here comes the Bagel Hooker again.”

I can relate to this.  For a couple years before I started dating my second husband, I met all of my internet dates at a diner that was directly across the street from my office.  That way, I could, at whatever moment I desired, announce, “Wow, gotta get back to the office!”  Unlike Susan, I didn’t schedule dates back-to-back.  But Susan has always been much more efficient than I was about men.

Unlike a coffee or bagel shop, this diner had a hostess who would seat people.  Each week I had one or two meetings with men.  Each time I would say to the hostess, “I’m meeting a man here but I don’t know exactly what he looks like.”  Then, after an hour, we would leave together.  After several weeks, I noticed that whenever I came into the diner, the employees would stop what they were doing, watch me, and shake their heads knowingly.

Then one morning, I met my friend Crazy Debbie for breakfast at the diner. Debbie is nothing if not memorable.   It was a weekend morning, and the diner was very crowded.  I arrived first and got a booth at the far end of the room. About ten minutes later, Debbie swept into the diner wearing a nightgown, fur boots, and a tiara.  She had a purple oval painted on her forehead.  When the hostess asked if she could help her, Debbie replied in a very loud voice, “I’m meeting my lover here!” scanned the room, located me, pointed in my direction and announced, “And there she is!”

From that moment on, I morphed from a mere call girl into a genuine celebrity in the eyes of the diner staff.

I think I’ve covered all bases now leading up to relating the actual live meetings between Susan and Her Men.  That, depending on how long this friendship lasts at this point, will await that time until either Susan accumulates more stories or until she remembers the ones that were so traumatic that she has temporarily blocked them from her memory.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50  www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for  examiner.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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Sex and the Sixty: Not a Good Match

Sex and the Sixty: Not a Good Match

BLOGGER:  RENEE FISHER

If you haven’t read the first two blogs in the series, you can click the links below:

Sex and the Sixty: Online Dating

Sex and the Sixty: Susan Gets Online

After my friend Susan is contacted by men on various computer dating sites, and, after she continues to communicate with them via personal email and phone calls, she is able to eliminate most of them as not a good match for her. “Not a good match” may mean various things: One of the categories of “not-a-good-match” men include those who send her photos of their genitals.  Susan assures me that this has happened on more than one occasion.  I didn’t ask her if they were Glamour Shots or just candid.  A second category that I have mentioned before are those who have yet to master the art of “spell check” on the computer. Here’s the most recent example, caps included:

YEP   YOU  ARE  A LIVE  WITH  THE  CHEESE  AND  CRACKERS   YOU  NEE   WINE    AND  I   WORK  FOR A  IMPORTER   OF  FINE  FRENCH   ARGENTINA  AND  SPANISH  WINE   I  BE  A  GREAT  PERSON TO  GET  TO   KNOW

Another category includes men who have small children/pets/ex-wives (note: The children are small, but the pets and ex-wives can be any size) who take up most of their time.  One man told Susan he had to go to his ex-wife’s house on a regular basis to mow the lawn. Unless he was destitute and worked out handyman/lawn services with the judge as a substitute for financial support, I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t quite ready to move on.  Another had to end all dates by 8PM so he could go home and take care of his dog.  About the only women he could develop a relationship with would be the ones who worked the night shift. A fourth category includes men who have other considerations that should preclude them from entering the dating world (or any other world, for that matter). One man told Susan he had no teeth and said that his son told him it might be a good idea to wait until he had his dentures before venturing out into the dating scene.  Another man told Susan he was separated, and, when she asked him further, he revealed that “separated” meant that he was living in DC during the week and going home on weekends but had neglected to tell his wife that he considered himself “separated during his week in DC”) and then he couldn’t understand why Susan didn’t want to date someone who could have him all to herself all week long. If a man isn’t eliminated by any of the above circumstances, Susan usually agrees to meet him for coffee.  She used to meet men for dinner, but I got really tired of hearing about four hour meetings, since the length of time usually had nothing to do with the quality of the date or the intention of either Susan or the man in question to ever get together again.  The length of the meeting had more to do with Susan’s uncanny ability to have an hours- long conversation with anybody, including, in a pinch, inanimate objects. Because of this, I set ground rules for her: one hour at Starbucks or another place that serves coffee.  Not a minute longer.  Susan agreed, but she still came up with really creative ways to foil my best efforts.  In the next episode, we will explore some of these.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50  www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for  examiner.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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Sex and the Sixty: Susan Gets Online

Sex and the Sixty: Susan Gets Online

BLOGGER:  RENEE FISHER

Click here to read the first blog in the Sex in the Sixty Series – Sex and the Sixty: Online Dating

For those skeptics who might be thinking that my friend Susan’s poor results are because she hasn’t put enough of an effort into online dating, rest assured that she has been on most internet dating sites since the very first one (CaveMatch.com).  She has only excluded the ones that will result in the FBI confiscating her computer. Both eHarmony and chemistry.com have now told her they can do nothing more for her unless she “expands her search area.”  For Susan, this would mean either searching for men who are younger than her son, older than a Civil War veteran, or who are currently incarcerated.

After Susan is initially contacted by men on the various sites, she usually emails back and forth with them, using her personal email.  Sometimes a phone call or two is part of the scenario.

One man told her he lived on a boat and wrote a long email explaining that he lived with a gorgeous 18 year old Dane.  Susan assumed he was talking about a dog.  He wasn’t. Another man spent a lot of time writing to her about his fishing trip.  About the only fishing trip that ever held my attention for any length of time was the one in “Deliverance,” and this man’s email was longer than the “Deliverance” screenplay.

Susan sends me some of the emails that she gets. These are mostly from men who don’t have spell check on their computers:
“…let,s see,are there really any woman out there that are looking for true love, or are you all stell way to picky…”
“…she be my best friend, loving, caring, faithfull, understanding,be d/d free, clean about her self…”
“…i,m a BIG redskins fan, and have been sents 1969…”

One man, who seemed like a good prospect and who had a fair command of the English language, was very anxious to meet her in person.  A coffee date was arranged for the following weekend, and each day, he would tell Susan how he couldn’t wait for their meeting.  Then, a couple days before the weekend, he sent an email saying,
“I think it would be best if I canceled this Sunday…On Tuesday this week – it seems like a month ago – I met someone else online. We’ve yet to meet in person…but we spoke on the phone for an hour and a half – till her battery went dead….I’m amazed at how far, and how fast things have progressed.  Maybe we’ve each found the person we’re both looking for…the degree of emotional closeness has developed very fast.  Besides, I’m not good at trying to date two women at the same time.  So, I sincerely wish you the best. I continued talking to you about meeting because there was a certain momentum there. I really was eager to meet you in person.”

I asked Susan what the “momentum” was all about and why she thought his momentum with the other woman trumped hers.  All Susan could think of was that the other woman’s momentum was larger than hers.

Susan still has a lot of emails to sift through (something like 29 at last count), and I’ll be curious to see what she comes up with.  I’ve suggested some ground rules for her when she meets guys, like only meeting for coffee and limiting the meeting to one hour.  I figured that would minimize the damage.  As we’ll see in the next posting, I was wrong.  Very,very wrong.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist forexaminer.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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Sex and the Sixty: Online Dating

Sex and the Sixty: Online Dating

BLOGGER:  RENEE FISHER

My friend Susan has had such a long, varied and rocky career as a dating single, that I, as one of her closest and dearest friends, listen to her tragic stories, and, as the caring, compassionate person I am, laugh myself sick.

It’s tough not to.  Susan seems to attract a lot of really interesting and unique men.  Some of them have “handles” that conjure up visions that make me a bit queasy:

pistolhead

riding cowboy

katlicker

dixiekraut

pistolpete

swabjock

Now for the actual words:

“I’m 62 but still active…”

Is he saying he is still sexually active or that he still has the ability to get out of bed in the morning?

“I haven’t been with a woman in eight years.”

If someone wrote that to me, I would immediately consult an attorney to find out which criminal offenses would result in an eight year prison term.

“Do ya judge the book by the appearance of the cover, or do ya open the cover to find out if the table of contents captures and peaks your interest enough to read more?”

Actually, I like to scan the index first, then check out the footnotes.  Sometimes, I read the jacket, but other times I flip right to the author’s biography at the end…

This one is from “Looking For Busty”: “I am an older, independent, very safe, straight man in good shape and I like very much the younger woman who is busty, local and in very good shape for extra-curricular activities.”

Hey LFB, there are about 10,000 other guys waiting in line for her also.  Good luck.

“I am looking for one woman, not two or more…”

I’m wondering about a person who has to clarify this.  Has he had negative experiences with trying to find a soul mate and instead being tricked into having group sex?

“I am a very outgoing person and I always see the glass as half full.  I’ve been told that I have a very humorist personality.”

This is also called the “Will Rogers Syndrome.”

“I’d like to volunteer this; I look and act a lot younger than I actually am.”

I’d like to volunteer this: 95% of people over the age of 45 would probably write exactly the same thing about themselves.  The other 5% would use capital letters when they write the words “a lot.”

A recent poem Susan received had these lines hidden among all the others that professed undying love:

“When someone is willing to do without,

So your life is complete”

This would stop me in my tracks.  This guy is either Bernie Madoff writing from his North Carolina jail cell or a man looking for someone to donate a kidney.

Susan was really excited when I told her I would write columns about her attempts at internet dating.

“You can be my blind author!” she exclaimed.

“I think you meant ‘ghost writer’,” I said.

Oh boy, are we going to have fun with this one.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist forexaminer.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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Seven Reasons to Date Women Over 50

Seven Reasons to Date Women over 50

BLOGGERS: Renee Fisher, Joyce Kramer, and Jean Peelen

Single women over 50 who want to date, have discovered the terrible truth: Men over 50 don’t want to date them.

Single men over 50 are often looking for much younger women. And older men who are in less-than-perfect physical condition are often looking for women in perfect physical condition. To be fair, we also know that in many cases, this preference occurs “on paper,” meaning in the world of online dating. Put most of those same men in a room of age-compatible women, and attraction will occur. So, here’s what we propose to you men over age 50 who would like to have a real relationship with a real woman:

Put down the Viagra and spend a moment considering the following: Seven reasons why you should date women over 50.

1. Our biological clocks are gone forever. Or else, we have permanently misplaced them, along with our keys and cell phones. We’re not dating you because you’re good genetic material with which to produce offspring. We simply enjoy your company.

2. We live alone. For most of our lives before age 50, we lived with other people. Sometimes, we even knew who they were. We shared our living space with parents, roommates, lovers, husbands, children and assorted friends of our children who we discovered on couches, under beds, and in our garages. Now that we are alone, you get to be with us in a quiet, romantic setting. And you don’t have to wait in line to get to the bathroom.

3. We know that it is not our job to mold our partners. The phrase “I can change him” has been blasted out of our vocabulary by life experience. Part of the joy of being over 50 is that we now take people as they are. So settle down, relax and be happy you made the cut.

4. We don’t endlessly discuss commitment. The question “Where is this relationship going?” is about as useful to us as “Do you think the IRS will audit my return?” The joy is that we don’t spend time now in search of commitment. We simply spend time with people we like.

5. We have our own money. We like being financially independent, and we like deciding what we do or don’t do with our own money. We might agree to go Dutch, treat at times, or even enjoy paying your way, as long as that doesn’t intimidate you.

6. You don’t have to spend every minute with us. We have a close network of female friends. So you get to be with your guy friends, and we won’t feel left out. Or you can sail or play golf or whatever. If you don’t like to travel as much as we do, we can do that sometimes with our friends as well. And we won’t drag you to craft fairs unless looking for antique teapots really turns you on.

7. We will never ask you how we look in a dress. We have way too much self-confidence for that. Instead, we’ll just kiss you and ask, “How does it feel to be going out with the hottest woman on the planet?” And all you have to answer is “Great.”

We are changing the conversation about women over 50. We know that women over 50 are beautiful, sexy, vibrant, and will love you for exactly who you are. What better way to spend the years ahead.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist forexaminer.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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Grouchy Gals: The Problem of Unwanted Sex

Grouchy Gals: The Problem of Unwanted Sex

BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD

In a previous blog, we discussed why some women might feel sexually frustrated in long-term relationships and might be tempted to cheat or find a more sexually desirable partner as a permanent replacement for her current partner. Not getting enough high quality sex and romance in a long-term relationship makes some women grouchy. But some women suffer an opposite problem. Some men have a much higher sex drive than their girlfriends and wives and are constantly looking for and pressuring their girlfriends and wives to relieve their sexual tensions. It is not always particular romantic as some men just want to get a “quickie” to be sexually serviced in a rather impersonal way by their partners just to relieve sexual tension. When men are single, they usually rely on masturbation to relieve their sexual tensions because most single men can’t find enough women with whom to have casual sex to relieve themselves. Some men to keep their sexual tensions down feel a need to have daily orgasm or orgasms ever other day. If they aren’t having orgasms at the frequency that they feel they require they feel consumed by the mounting sexual tension. They become obsessed with sexual thoughts and fantasies and can’t focus on other things, like their work, until they can obtain relief.

When men enter a long-term monogamous relationship, they often hope and assume that the days of having to relieve themselves through masturbation are finally behind them as now they will have a sexually indulgent partner who will relieve them on demand at whatever frequency they need. Especially if the relationship starts off as an intense whirlwind romance, their fantasy seems to come true. When a couple is caught up in an intense romantic infatuation, they can’t wait until that moment when they can rip each others clothes off and have wild crazy sex. But unfortunately once the honeymoon phase is over the frequency of sexual relationships begins to decline and tensions arise when one partner seems to be a lot more interested in sex than the other partner. When men want more sex than their girlfriends or wives, men tend to turn into whiney, petulant little boys who just keep pestering their partners for sex until they get it. Obviously, this is a huge turn off for most women. Yet women are caught in a double bind. On the one hand, they are not in the mood for sex and feel resentful to be pressured to have sex when they are not in the mood, especially when they are being propositioned in such an exceptionally off putting way. Yet on the other hand, women may feel sorry for their sexually frustrated partners, feel it is their duty to keep their partners sexually satisfied, and may be tempted to sexually service their partners just to shut them up and stop their annoyingly incessant pestering. What is a woman to do: Resentfully have unwanted sex just to relieve guilt and pestering or decline to have sex and force her partner to deal with his sexual frustrations on his own (i.e. sexual abstinence, masturbation, or some sort of infidelity).

It would seem that few men are capable of exercising sexual abstinence in the marriage in which they patiently wait to have sex until their female partners are in the mood to have sex. Men may to some degree “save it up” until their girlfriends or wives are finally in the mood for a romantic tryst. Yet most men seem to have great difficulty with delay of sexual gratification and do not handle sexual frustration very well. Especially, if they are still very attracted to their wives, it’s a huge tease to sleep every night with a beautiful and sexy woman and see her walk around naked and not to be able to have sex with her just because she isn’t in the mood. As a consequence, most men masturbate to relieve themselves, just like when they were single guys, to relieve sexual tension, but to some extent resent their partners for not being available for sex on demand. Naturally, women resent this state of affairs. It doesn’t seem fair that women should be resented for not having sex when they aren’t in the mood, but unhappily that seems to be the case. And unfortunately, the most resentful men will probably look outside of the marriage for sexual relief.

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong answer about how to deal with this issue. Even women who don’t mind sexually servicing their husbands on a regular basis often find that it is never enough. If a man needs to have his daily orgasm, there are few women who after years of marriage, with a full time job, and a bunch of kids is going to have the time, energy, or inclination to service her husband on a daily basis. It’s just not going to happen. So my advice is for husbands to have more compassion for the no-win situation in which their girlfriends or wives find themselves. You can’t blame them if their sexual drive is just not as strong as yours, if they aren’t as interested in impersonal sex as you are, and that they often just don’t have the energy to service you even if in general they don’t really mind doing you a favor, especially if you orgasm really quickly to save them time and energy. If you are not capable of sexual abstinence to save it for when your partner is in the mood, you might have to relieve yourself through masturbation just like when you were single. So don’t take it so personally as though it’s some big sexual rejection, if your partner is not inclined to sexually service you on demand and don’t hold it against her either. In the end, you will have a much better long-term relationship and your grouchy gal won’t be quite so grouchy if you stop pestering her to have unwanted sex with you when she isn’t in the mood.

Click here to find out more about Dr. Josephs on the About Us Page.

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Grouchy Gals: Women’s Ambivalence About Monogamy

Grouchy Gals: Women’s Ambivalence About Monogamy

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD

Cross cultural research suggests that world-wide men cheat more than women do. Yet it has been noticed that in more egalitarian countries women are quickly catching up to the men in terms of prevalence rates of infidelity. In addition, women are much more likely to report infidelity in anonymous surveys than in face to face interviews. These findings suggest that women may be just as sexually frustrated with monogamous arrangements as are men so frequently look for extra-marital sexual outlets. Research also suggests that on average women are more often unfaithful in search of romantic love whereas men are more often unfaithful in search of casual sex. Yet many men seek romantic love outside of marriage and many women seek casual sex outside of marriage.

Beginning in childhood, males tend to externalize their emotional upset whereas females tend to internalize their emotional upset. As a consequence sexually frustrated wives are just as likely to become sad and depressed (i.e. anger turned inwards) going through the motions as though everything is OK as they are to become grouchy gals who dump their frustrations on their husbands. If women are the more monogamously oriented sex as research suggests why are they so frustrated with monogamous arrangements? Research suggests that the honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship, when men are at their best behavior (i.e. most adoring and eager to please) rarely lasts more than 18 months. As suggested in previous blogs, once the honeymoon phase is over many men turn into grouchy guys who become sexually selfish and irritable due to their own sexual frustrations. They begin to treat their wives like slaves whose function is to service them. Naturally, women resent such mistreatment and begin to yearn for a more adoring and appreciative romantic partner. Yet even if a husband is a perfectly decent guy sex can become boring if it’s just the same old thing once the initial romance has faded. Women too enjoy sexual variety, novelty, and the thrill of new romantic conquests as well as the ego boost of still being able to evoke love and lust from new and desirable romantic partners, despite being older and having put on a few pounds.

Many women stay in sexually frustrating monogamous arrangements for the sake of the children or just for the emotional or economic security of having someone with whom to grow old. Yet many women do cheat, do seek divorce, and are even relieved when their grouchy and unappreciative husbands kick the bucket and they don’t want to get stuck providing undeserved custodial care for another old fart. Research suggests more health and psychological benefits for married men than for married women. We also know that men seem to be the more sexually controlling, sexually possessive, and violently jealous sex. Though men don’t like to admit to this issue, men do need to worry about what they need to do to hold onto their potentially philandering wives so they don’t get cuckolded or replaced by a competitor who is better in bed than they are. Sexually betrayed and/ or dumped men don’t fare too well, either emotionally or physically.

If your wife is privately depressed but pretending everything is OK or is openly “bitchy” and you don’t want to lose her to another man this is what husbands have to do:

1. Don’t be sexually selfish. Make sure your wife is sexually satisfied.

2. Don’t treat her like a slave. That means cut out the contempt and disgust in your attitude.

3. Don’t threaten her with abandonment and/or replacement when you are angry and in a punitive mood. That’s being mean since it’s going for the jugular.

4. Be affectionate and don’t reject affectionate gestures and overtures from your wife.

5. Stand up for yourself in an assertive, respectful way. Don’t be a wimp but don’t be a bully either. Try to be someone your wife would respect and admire.

Being a loyal and devoted partner compensates to some degree for the fading of romantic love and the sexual boredom that can be an inevitable aspect of long-term monogamous relationships. Men have to overcome their egocentrism and realize that just because they are sexually frustrated with and resentful of monogamous arrangements doesn’t mean that women aren’t as well. Women are more likely than men to live lives of quiet despair hiding their true feelings than are men who are more likely to stomp around the house making sure everyone else is just as miserable as they are. So men better wise up if they don’t want to end up dumped and replaced by their sexually frustrated wives for someone who is better in bed than they are.

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How Arguments About Stupid Little Things Turn into Major Blow-ups

The Grouchy Guy:  How Arguments About Stupid Little Things

Turn into Major Blow-ups

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD

I am always surprised by the fact that couples who fight like cats and dogs all the time usually fight about stupid little things that get blown up out of proportion. Someone forgets to clean up after themselves, someone doesn’t want to take directions when driving, someone thinks the kids are being treated too permissively, someone isn’t in the mood to do something like have sex or go out to dinner, someone doesn’t want to spend money on something, etc. These are just all the little conflicts and tensions of married life that require two people with two different personalities, two different points of view, and two different sets of preferences to peacefully negotiate their inevitable differences and come up with a workable compromise. Why is that so difficult to do and why do these little conflicts become triggers of major blow-ups?

The problem seems to be that on average men and women seem to have different ways of managing conflict and angry feelings in a close relationship. When men are annoyed about something and assert their grievance, they want respect and are hypersensitive to not getting it. When women are annoyed about something and assert their grievance, they want reassurance that the relationship is solid, isn’t threatened by the difference in opinion, and are hypersensitive to not getting that reassurance. Men want to feel that their wives respect them no matter what and women want to feel that their husbands still love them no matter what, though women also want respect and men also want love. Perceived lack of respect and perceived lack of reassurance is what escalates a minor conflict about a petty issue into a major blow-up. The argument takes on a larger symbolic significance once the couple becomes insecure about whether or not they really love and respect each other. That’s the underlying hot button issue that can lead to a major conflagration.

When a difference of opinion arises and our viewpoint is questioned, it is only natural to defend ourselves by further justifying our own position while more strongly attacking our rival’s position in order to win the argument. Once a competitive mindset has been activated, that winning the argument is all that matters, the stage is set for an escalating conflict that may get totally out of control. Many men are hypersensitive to being questioned by their wives as though being questioned puts their masculine competence in doubt. To assert their dominance men start to make their argument all the more forcefully as their temper is rising. Of course, women don’t want to feel bullied into a submissive position so they too defend themselves all the more forcefully, leading to an escalating conflict. As men get more and more frustrated that they can’t get respect by winning the argument, they start expressing more disgust with and contempt for their wives and as they begin to get fed-up start to threaten to withdraw in anger. At this point, many women get alarmed that the relational connection is threatened and start demanding reassurance that they are still loved by a devoted partner who seems to be threatening hostile rejection. Of course, a man is not going to give reassurance that he still loves his partner when he is fuming inside and beginning to withdraw in anger. This is the stand-off: the man demanding respect or else to be left alone in peace and the woman demanding reassurance through some intimate gesture that brings them closer together and neither getting satisfaction. Then it’s a screaming match.

The challenge for anger management is captured by the title of the famous Rolling Stones song “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” Men aren’t going to get respect and women aren’t going to get reassurance once their partner is upset and angry because people have difficulty thinking straight when they are only seeing red because they are so angry. You have a difficult choice to make, give up trying to win the argument so you can diffuse an escalating conflict or keep trying to win the argument, knowing it’s just going to end up in a big blow-up. The best response is simply to say: “This isn’t worth getting in a big fight about, let’s discuss the issue later when we are in a better mood.” Since the hot button issue must be discussed sooner or later, you have to remember that you can never talk someone out of their true feelings. Everyone is entitled to their feelings or point of view so there is no sense trying to prove that someone’s feelings or point of view are wrong and your feelings and point of view are right. So you may just as well cut to the chase. The way to arrive at a negotiated solution is to accept the fact of eventual compromise and concession. So you say something like this: “I understand that from your point of view it looks this way and from my point of view it seems exactly the opposite. Let’s not waste time trying to change each others’ minds because we will just get into a big fight and just dig in our heels all the more. So let’s just figure out what kind of compromise or concessions we can each live with.” Ultimately, you can always just walk away from a fight if your partner isn’t ready to negotiate a workable compromise. A little time-out from the relationship gives everybody time to cool off and arrive at a more conciliatory attitude.

Being in a long-term relationship is about making compromises for the sake of the relationship. You can’t always have everything your way even if you genuinely believe your way is the best way, the right way, or the correct way to go. Being in a relationship means we have to patiently suffer our partner’s mistakes and errors of judgment and still find it within ourselves to respect and love them anyway. Nobody is perfect so part of being married is learning to tolerate our partner’s imperfections, which means letting your partner do things his or her way even when you know for a fact that his or her way is the absolutely wrong way to do things. We all have to learn from our own mistakes so we can’t micro-manage our partners to make them do everything our way which is of course the “right” way. So we have a choice:  We can try to win every argument and get our partner to do everything our way and end up fighting all the time. Or we can give up trying to win arguments and try instead to negotiate a workable compromise, perhaps having to suffer your partner’s errors of judgment. Yet at least you won’t be arguing all the time and your partner, following your lead, will learn to let you do things your way even when they think you are dead wrong.

To find out more about Dr. Josephs, click his photo below.

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THE GROUCHY GUY: SECRET SEX LIVES

The Grouchy Guy: Secret Sex Lives

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PhD

The Secret Sex Lives of Grouchy Guys

To some degree all men are inclined towards what might be called “dual track” sex lives, one track in the marriage and one track outside of it. This is an extremely touchy issue in most long-term relationships that rarely gets discussed in any open manner. There is usually a “don’t ask don’t tell policy” when it comes to this aspect of a couple’s sexual relationship. Many men have a need to maintain what psychologists call “orgasmic constancy” in their lives. That means that many men have a need for a certain number of orgasms per week, whether that means daily orgasms, three orgasms a week, or one orgasm a week. If they are not meeting their need for orgasmic constancy with their partners, they will satisfy their need for orgasmic constancy in some other way, usually through masturbation. A study looking at male sexuality between ages 40 and 70 discovered that every decade men’s erectile functioning deteriorated, it took greater stimulation to get aroused, the strength of their orgasms diminished, and the volume of their ejaculate decreased. Nevertheless, the one thing that remained the same was the frequency of masturbation to orgasm. Whatever the demoralizing effects of aging on male sexual functioning, men appear stubbornly determined to maintain their orgasmic constancy to the bitter end.

This aspect of male sexuality tends to remain shrouded in secrecy. Perhaps men have a stronger sex drive because they have seven times as much circulating testosterone in their blood stream and testosterone levels seem to influence sex drive. Female transexuals who take testosterone report that their sex drive significantly increases as does the frequency of their sexual fantasies. Some post-menopausal women are given testosterone to increase their sex drive and it appears to work.   Whatever the reason, many men seemed to be obsessed with maintaining their orgasmic constancy and become grouchy when they can’t. It is not that many women do not struggle with such issues as well. Women’s adrenal glands and ovaries secret testosterone so it is possible that women with higher basal testosterone levels may also struggle with the problem of how to gratify a particularly strong sex drive.

Many women in committed relationships don’t like to think about this issue, especially if they do not experience their own sex drive as an incessant obsessive pressure to be relieved on a daily basis. Many women don’t really want to contemplate how many orgasms a week their men need to have in order to maintain orgasmic constancy or how many orgasms a week her partner is having with her and how many he is probably having on his own and not mentioning to her. Some women might like to assume that if her sex life is dropping off with her partner and she is having fewer orgasms that her husband is most likely having fewer orgasms as well. That is often a mistaken assumption. He is most likely relieving himself in some other way and not talking about it. He may even come to prefer relieving himself in some other way in order to preserve a sense of having an independent sex life outside of the committed relationship. He may be maintaining an independent sex life through masturbation perhaps accompanied by pornography to intensify the fantasy of having sex with someone other than his partner.  Or he may act out his fantasy of sexual independence by actually having affairs or using prostitutes, like one former governor of New York State.

It is not that women are not having their own secret sex lives outside of their committed relationships. In egalitarian societies women are cheating almost as much as the men but they seem to cheat more often in search of romantic love than casual sexual relief. Yet many women feel betrayed when they realize the extent of their partners’ secret sex lives even if it is only a secret obsession with internet pornography. This issue is an underlying tension in most long-term relationships and as touchy an issue as it is, it is probably better to try to openly discuss it than pretend like it doesn’t exist. Every couple has to find creative ways of dealing with differences in the intensity of their sex drives and desires for sex outside of their long-term relationship, whether it is men looking for casual sex or women looking for romantic love outside of the marriage. Women have to make clear to men what their “line in the sand” is when it comes to extra-marital sexual outlets. If the line in the sand is “you can look but don’t touch” men better understand what the consequences will be for touching or letting themselves be touched. And in an age of computer sex and phone sex, there are now all kinds of sex that don’t require actual touching that women may not want their partners participating in.  If you want a relationship in which there is trust based upon complete honesty about sexual matters, you have to learn how to talk openly about touchy topics but many people believe, rightly or wrongly, that some things are better left unsaid.

To find out more about Dr. Josephs, click on his photo.

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