Do the Rules of Romance Change After 50?
The Today Show
Relationship experts talk about intimacy and romance in midlife.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
The Today Show
Relationship experts talk about intimacy and romance in midlife.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
On Being Invisible
Blogger: Renee Fisher
Do you ever feel invisible? When my friends and I decided to write a book about women over 50, I asked a lot of women my age what sucked about getting older. I expected to hear the sagging/bagging/dragging thing or maybe the memory thing or maybe even the empty nest thing. I didn’t hear any of that. What I heard over and over was “I feel invisible.” Well, you could have knocked me over with a pair of sensible shoes.
I could relate to these women. I remember certain events in my life vividly: My first kiss. The day John F Kennedy was shot. “Going all the way.” My college graduation. My first wedding. The births of my three children. The day I became invisible. My second wedding. The day my grandson was born.
Whoops, back up. I remember the day, no, the moment, when I became invisible. Walking down the aisle at Safeway. Man coming toward me. Man passing. My brain registering He never saw me. I don’t mean he didn’t oogle me. I mean HE DIDN’T SEE ME. I wasn’t composed of molecules that took up any space in his world. Had someone asked him if he had passed anyone in the aisle, he would have said “No.”
It was a real turning point for me. I never had to think about my visibility before. It was just sort of there. But from that day on, I didn’t take visibility as a given. I made sure I looked people in the eye and smiled when I passed them. I spoke up when sales people started to deal with other customers when I had been there first. I no longer allowed people to cut in front of me in line or to take a parking space I had been waiting for. And I got rid of all the long baggy jumpers I had been wearing, just because they were so comfortable. In other words, I began to think about how I was going to be visible in the world. The result was incredibly energizing.
The conclusion I came to was that being visible had little to do with youth or sex appeal. It came from a feeling of empowerment, and from a belief that I should be noticed. There’s a commercial on TV now that shows a woman all dressed up, coming down the stairs. The voiceover says “It’s (whatever the product is) the difference between ‘I’m here’ and ‘Here I am.’” That pretty much sums it up for me.
All this is not to say that there aren’t times that I choose to be invisible, to fly under the radar. Sometimes, under the right circumstances, that can be liberating and/or comforting. And, at other times, it allows me to get away with things, like standing in line at the checkout, eating the nuts that haven’t been weighed yet (Now Husband Dan hates when I do that.) Visible. Invisible. I simply want the choice.
Note to Safeway Guy: If we ever share the same aisle again, I’ll bet you’ll notice me.
Renee Fisher
Co-author, Saving the Best for Last: Creating Our Lives After 50
To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!
To join the ImagineAge Group on Facebook, click here!
If you enjoyed this, click the button below to share it!
BLOGGER: MARY LANGUIRAND, PHD
There are days when it takes all the self control I possess to be with Carol, a pleasant 87 year old woman with mild age-related cognitive loss. I can empathize with the complaints about the kids who don’t visit often enough, the aide who forgets to put her phone within reach, and the salad with the wilted lettuce. However, I sometimes think that if I hear one more repetition of the story about how her husband bought her a cherished emerald ring in 1973, I may tear out my hair. It’s a long story, it never changes, and I believe I’ve heard it at least twice a month for the past three years.
Short-term memory tends to fade with advanced age, as it is based on such factors as ability to attend to the environment, maintain focused concentration, and track complex information. As illness, diminished energy and perceptual changes erode some of those capacities, the ability to recall recent information diminishes. In contrast, memories from years past strengthen, having been reviewed and repeated (and revised and edited) many times. Caregivers often marvel that Mom can’t remember her upcoming doctor’s appointment, but can tell you what she paid for milk in 1964.
You might think that listening to the same story over and over would be a neutral or—at worst—a mildly boring experience. After all, we hear all sorts of things repeatedly—recorded messages on trains and busses, the music in TV jingles, liturgical passages at religious ceremonies—and many people find the familiar tolerable, and even soothing. Why then, do so many caregivers report that hearing yet again about Dad’s heroic actions in the fields of Korea or Mom’s days as a cheerleader can drive them to drink?
Much of the frustration comes from the fact that this sort of repetition is one of the most inescapable “proofs” that someone has reached a point where they are more comfortable in the past than in the here-and-now, and that this isn’t likely to change. The effort of attending to current realities is too much, and they’ve surrendered to the comfort of the familiar. The content of these repeated tales is also rather telling, as it can give some clues to those events and experiences that impacted the person most profoundly: If a parent’s most cherished memory relates to things that happened long before you were born, what does that say about you?
Repetition apparently isn’t limited to the senior set… When emailing a younger colleague recently, I shared a past experience that I thought resonated with some current events, and was quite chagrined when reminded that I’d already told that story. I felt rather hurt that my misplaced effort at empathy (and the chance to recount how I’d saved the day ‘back in the day’) apparently generated boredom and annoyance, along with the message that I’m forgetful. No kidding—I really don’t remember having told that one before…
Once I moved past the hurt feelings, I began to think about getting my act together and scoring some points in the present, instead of resting on past laurels, which is probably a good thing. I also began to develop a new appreciation for Carol’s experience. I thought about my own response to her oft-told story about the emerald ring, and how I regularly discount her need to re-live a time when she felt loved and special. I just hope profoundly that I don’t communicate my impatience as clearly as my colleague did.
I can’t honestly say that the story took on a new glow when I heard it again, but I did realize that maybe Carol shares it with me because our interactions remind her of that time when she felt valued, and appreciated, with years of life yet to be lived and goals yet to be accomplished. Maybe I need to put more effort into helping her to recapture those feelings in her current relationships.
Realize that when someone relates an experience to you you’re hearing about it for a reason. Don’t just hear, listen.
Mary Languirand and Robert Bornstein are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press. The second edition, revised and updated, was recently released. Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901
To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!
To join the ImagineAge Group on Facebook, click here!
If you enjoyed this, click the button below to share it!
To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!
To join the ImagineAge Group on Facebook, click here!
If you enjoyed this blog, click the button below to share it!
To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!
To join the ImagineAge Group on Facebook, click here!
If you enjoyed this blog, click the button below to share it!
DHeiser shared how she originally wanted to be a nun, but over time she decided the social science field was the best fit for her. Her children Liam and Aiden also weigh in on what their dream jobs are.
- Asiegel1202, CNN iReport producer
iReport —
A few years ago I came across a worksheet I’d completed in early elementary school – probably first grade. One of the questions asked was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer was “a nun”.
Things didn’t work out exactly as I planned. I didn’t become a nun after all. Instead, I got a PhD in Applied Developmental Psychology and have worked in the field of research for many years.
When I asked my 2 boys a couple of years ago, when they were 3 and 4, what they want to be when they grow up, my older son said “ a doctor who takes care of older people”. He received a lot of praise, which fueled this goal (until this year when he turned 6 and decided to tweak his goal and become a doctor who takes care of bugs). We now have a slew of ants, beetles and caterpillars in plastic containers being “cured” of their ailments.
My younger son told everyone he also wants to be a doctor. Apparently he loved basking in the praise too. However, one day he confided to me that he in fact wants to be a Jungle Man. He didn’t want me to tell anyone because he was afraid they would think it was funny. So, he and I talked all about his becoming a Jungle Man, and during the course of our conversations, he wrote a book about it. You can find it on http://whenigrowupiwanttoliveinthejungle.wordpress.com/about/
I’m looking forward to seeing what they do when they grow up.
To become a Fan of ImagineAge on Facebook, click here!
RSS Feed