No, Max, Alice is your Grandfather!
“No, Max, Alice is your Grandfather!”
BLOGGER: Rand Bishop
“I’m gonna be a grandfather.” No pronouncement has a bigger “Awwww” factor. These five words come with an absolute guarantee of warm, sincere hugs, overly enthused back pats, and bone-crushing handshakes — often from perfect strangers. However, this exact declaration, nearly always spoken with smug pride and joy, can also convey a less-than-jubilant sentiment.
According to Grandparents.com, a contrary brand of baby-boomer granddad is not as uncommon as one might think: the “Reluctant (Peter Pan) Grandpa.” This cat clings to his vanishing youth with all ten claws. He insists that his grandkids call him by his first name. (Fond, grand-paternal appellations have been declared taboo, as they are reminders of the man’s advancing age.) He smells of Axe Body Spray, remains undefeated at Guitar Hero, camps out and smokes dope at Bonnaroo, adores Las Vegas, and only visits his children’s offspring on major holidays.
Now, let’s imagine Reluctant Gramps as a real-life guitar hero, the guy who actually struts across that Bonnaroo stage in tight, torn pants, sporting garish jewelry dangling on his exposed, tattooed chest, screeching lyrics of teenage defiance over power guitars, bowel-stirring bass, and monster drums. His post-concert date is an angular, Vicoria’s Secret supermodel, a waif who is actually younger than his own children. This arrested adolescent’s entire career depends on maintaining that sexually charged, bad-boy image — preserved carefully, of course, with hair dye, botox, Max Factor, and lighting trickery. He has already turned more than enough calendar pages to put his rebel cred in serious jeopardy. No wonder this multi-pierced Peter Pan drags his grampa shoes.
Why? Because our culture worships youth. The press can be brutally unkind to those whom Reuters unaffectionately calls “wrinkly rockers.” European journalists are especially mean spirited. Wrote German critic Sebastian Gierke of a “farcical” Ozzy Osbourne concert: “He kept screaming ‘I can’t f—ing hear you!’ over and over again. You felt like shouting back, ‘Buy a —damn hearing aid and maybe you’ll realize you’re singing everything off key.” Ouch! Unfortunately for poor ol’ Oz, he can’t jump into a time machine and erase all those years of hard-rock self-abuse. Ironically, his initial infamy had everything to do with all those crazy stunts he somehow survived way back then; the unending drug and booze binge that eventually reduced today’s geezer/rocker to such an incomprehensible self-parody.
It’s easy to see how a middle-aged rocker parading his kids’ kids around publicly might be exhibiting a career death wish. That’s probably why, when I googled “Grandpa Rockers,” I got more links to Amish furniture makers than articles on hard-rockin’ grand-paters. Even though there’s an ever-growing contingent of vibrant, still-creative, 50- and 60-something rock gods, from Petty to Bon Jovi, Springsteen to Tyler, these cats (along with their savvy publicists) tend to keep their grandparental status hush-hush — either that, or the press and the unwashed masses just don’t care.
It’s public knowledge that Alice Cooper and longtime spouse Sheryl Goddard have two grown children and one on the cusp of adulthood. However, the long-in-the-tooth shock-rocker/Republican golf enthusiast’s Wikipedia “personal life” mentions nothing whatsoever about grandkids. Whether the macabre metal maven is a granddad yet or not, I can’t help but imagine a family Thanksgiving at the Coopers. “No, Max,” Cooper and Goddard’s daughter Calico might correct her confused toddler, “Alice is your grandfather!”
Rand Bishop is a Grammy Nominated, BMI Award-winning songwriter, and the author of Grand Pop, a darkly comic novel/mock-memoir written from the point of view a fictional, reluctant-grandpa/rock star. Other Bishop books include Makin’ Stuff Up, “a songwriting course wrapped in a memoir.” A former major-label recording artist himself, Bishop will become a first-time grandfather in November, 2010. For more information go to: http://www.randbishop.com
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