WHEN I AM 64 WILL I BE HAPPY?

When I am 64 will I be happy? (Part 1)

BLOGGER:  PAUL GRIFFIN, PHD

In 1967, one of the first major reviews of happiness appeared in the psychological literature. It might seem hard to imagine now with new books on happiness popping up every month or so, but at that time happiness was of relatively little academic concern within psychology. Therefore, this article by a psychologist named Warner Wilson was quite valuable because it attempted to review and synthesize all of the studies on happiness up to that point and draw some conclusions based on this research. Among such conclusions was one that still seems persuasive to many: when it comes to happiness, better to be young.

Each year I teach an undergraduate class on the psychology of happiness. With the exception of a student or two, most of these students are in their late teens to early 20s. When I ask them to hypothetically compare the happiness levels of 20 and 30 year olds with those who are in their 60s and 70s, usually more than 60% pick the younger group (I suspect the numbers would be even be larger if it weren’t for the fact that by asking the question I am priming them to go against their instinct). Perhaps unless you are over 50 it is hard to think that being older means being happier. Why should it? After all, doesn’t getting older mean getting worse? Yes, it is true that the advent of modern medicine along with the rise of gerontology and education about aging has led to some shift in the way we think of older adulthood. However, while today’s 60 was yesterday’s 50, it doesn’t mean that common negative stereotypes of aging still do not persist. As one student asked, what is so great about losing cognitive skills, physical mobility, freedom, and social stature? Or as another student more bluntly put it, “not getting it up” can hardly make for a happy life.

Young adults’ mistaken perceptions of what awaits them in the coming years might lead to false conclusions about happiness in later life, but I think that there is more to it than that. In fact, while often grossly overstated by some, the aging process does involve decline in a number of areas, including certain cognitive skills and especially in a variety of physical abilities. And although there is a certain level of esteem and respect that is garnered as one ages (and, one hopes, progresses), our society still places great value on youth and the associated beauty, vigor, and excitement that comes with it. Regardless of the myths, in many respects, getting older can be hard. The often intuitive belief that being young means being happier makes perfect sense to me.

Let me reiterate, though, that Wilson’s early conclusion about happiness and aging were not based on intuition. This argument was based the existing research at the time. So this would be a pretty depressing post if I told you that this was the end of the story, that four decades later we have come to the scientific conclusion that it sucks to be old. In fact, something interesting happened—well, interesting enough, that I went on to do my doctoral dissertation on the subject (which according to some friends, hardly makes it interesting). After Wilson’s review, gradually more studies began to be conducted on the subject. The reason for this was twofold: greater attention to issues surrounding the aging process and more study devoted by psychologists, as well as related fields, to the question of happiness itself (I will have more to say about that in a later post). And not just more research, but better research. With each ensuing decade, the instruments being used were more precise and the populations being studied were larger and more diverse.

So now the interesting part. Through the 1970s and early 1980, a number of different studies did not find evidence that the young were happy than the old. In fact, by 1984 in the second major review of the literature, Ed Diener—one of the most prominent researchers in the area of happiness—had to amend Wilson’s original conclusion about age and happiness. At this point the research indicated there was no significant relationship between the two variables. In other words, age played little role in predicting happiness. Although there were certainly differences across individuals, there didn’t seem to be enough evidence to suggest that happiness varied in any predictable ways across age groups. If that still isn’t interesting enough for you, it gets better. After this review by Diener, there continued to be a significant amount of research on the question of happiness and aging. Again, this was due to the continued interest in gerontological issues and in an explosion of research on predictors of happiness. What began to emerge was a picture that surprised by many. So much so, that it was even identified as a “paradox.” Why a paradox? Because not only did it contradict Wilson’s earlier assertions, it went against the intuitive belief I spoke about before, the idea that aging and its associated rigors should lead to greater levels of unhappiness. These newer research suggested the exact opposite: there, indeed, was a relationship between age and happiness, and that relationship was positive. Getting older meant getting happier.

Let me give you one example of a study that changed the tide. In 1998, a young researcher named Dan Mroczek (along with his student Chris Kolarz) published research from a national database known as the MIDUS study. There had already been research suggesting that older people might be happier than the young, but perhaps due to the large sample size (over 2,500 people) and the sophisticated level of analysis, this study received considerable national attention. These researchers found that when comparing a group that ranged from their mid 20s to mid 70s, general levels of positive emotions increased across age groups while negative affect declined. Soon after they published their results, these findings appeared in a host of news outlets (it even provided material for Jay Leno’s opening monologue on the Tonight Show). In many respects, this study seemed to be the perfect conclusion to a decade of research on “positive aging.” For some time a number of researchers had been focused on the issue of understanding emotional changes across the lifespan, and Mrozcek’s study seemed to confirm many of their own positive conclusions about emotional well-being in late life.

So there you have it: when you are 64 you will be happy. Well, not exactly. Of course, no one study can ever then be used to predict an individual’s life. I hope to say more about individual differences—and factors related to such differences—at a later date. But let’s return to the general question of age differences and happiness. Does research substantiate the claim that aging more often leads to a rise in levels of happiness? A decade since Mroczek’s findings, there have been a number of studies that seem to confirm their results. At least when it comes to emotional well-being, these findings paint an optimistic picture of later life. Although it might be hard for someone younger than middle-age to imagine it might be so, a considerable amount of research suggests that happiness is not the provenance of the young.

Of course, some of you might not be surprised by this. In some cases, it might be because you are young and you are thinking, well it has to get better than this. Or maybe you are currently in middle-age or older and can tell me first-hand about this effect (as many of my older graduates have done). Or perhaps, even, you have read about these findings somewhere. Every several years you will find news outlets reporting the “surprising” finding that older individuals are happy! (The fact that this relatively old news is still newsworthy tells us how hard it is for us to believe it is true.) More than ever before—most especially in academic circles—there is an optimistic picture of life in later adulthood. In fact, it is not uncommon to hear the assertion that you get happier as you get older.

Now here is the part where I say that everything I have told you thus far is wrong, and you get annoyed. Well, not exactly. In fact, I do believe that there is considerable evidence to suggest that for many, happiness does increase across the lifespan. I certainly convinced that the notion that you are happiest in young adulthood is false. However, it seems to me that research over the last few years indicates that we might have painted an overly optimistic picture of such changes. In recent years researchers have sought to dissuade many from the stereotypical belief of the cantankerous old man as emblematic of the elderly population, and then replace him with the glossed over picture of a man swimming laps in the pool. There is good reason for this, and I find nothing wrong with our attempt to shift negative perceptions of aging. But what is missing is a more nuanced picture of an expanding cohort of elderly individuals. Although the media loves a happy ending, in my next post I would to discuss why we might needs to shift some of these assumptions about happiness once again. It might be true that you are likely to be happy when you are 64 and 74, but things seem more complicated when we start looking beyond to an elderly population that represents the fastest growing age cohort in the U.S.

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How to Manage Your Grouchy Guy

How to Manage Your Grouchy Guy

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS

            You thought you fell in love with a wonderful guy and you thought you would settle into a comfortable easy going relationship once the honeymoon phase of the relationship was over. But instead you find yourself living with a first-class grouch and you don’t know what to do about it. What is a grouchy guy? These are the defining characteristics of a grouchy guy:

1)    His mood tends to be chronically irritable and cranky. He responds with annoyance to minor frustrations.

2)    He is faultfinding about stupid little things and prone to starting arguments about trivial matters. He makes mountains out of molehills.

3)     He blames you for everything as though every minor frustration he suffers is your fault. He implies or says outrightly that you are ruining his life.

4)     He treats you like you’re an idiot if you don’t immediately get something he is saying.

5)    He gets annoyed and pushes you away when you reach out affectionately to him looking for some love and attention as though you’re a pathetically needy person.

6)    He has a generally contemptuous attitude towards you though he’d deny it if you confronted him. He’d claim you’re too being too sensitive.

7)    He may make sarcastic or belittling comments towards you, even in front of other people. If you confront him on it, he will claim he’s just kidding around and will ask incredulously what’s wrong with you that you can’t you take a joke.

    If you sympathetically ask your partner what’s bothering him, he will deny that anything is wrong and will respond as though that’s an irritating question.

9)    He demonstrates diminished interest in sex with you but claims everything is just fine if asked.

            You know what it is like to live with a guy like this. You are angry all the time because he treats you in such a hostile rejecting manner. But because he denies everything, he makes you feel that it’s all in your head and you must be crazy. It’s not good for your self-worth because he is making you feel like he finds himself trapped living with a person he finds absolutely insufferable. He acts like he is just staying with you out of some misguided sense of begrudging obligation. And when you finally lose your patience with his chronic but denied grouchiness and you lose your temper, he looks at you with utter disgust as though you are the biggest bitch in the entire world! Then you feel guilty as though you have probably deserved to be treated poorly all along. You can’t imagine why in the world he stays with you and why he just doesn’t go out and immediately replace you with someone nicer. You might even begin to think that maybe you should feel grateful that he puts up with you at all.

Or maybe you are wondering why you put up with him at all and maybe you should just dump the jerk and find somebody nicer, somebody who is lower maintenance.

But if at least for the time being you are sticking with your grouchy guy and trying to figure out what to do with him, I can give you some advice about how to try to make the best of a bad situation. First, I have to give you some advice about what not to do because it’s very easy to make a bad situation a whole lot worse than it already is. Firstly, you have to learn how to restrain yourself from reacting defensively to the hostile and rejecting way your grouchy guy treats you. Understandably, you feel hurt and angry and want to express your hurt and anger openly. Unfortunately, grouchy guys don’t know how to deal with women’s feelings and just become more antagonized the more you try to force them to understand how you really feel. Grouchy guys, especially when they are angry are empathy impaired. They get freaked out by a crying woman who seems wounded by their abrasiveness. Crying just makes a grouchy guy feel guilty and when he feels guilty he either becomes even more argumentative or withdraws in anger. Grouchy men see crying women as weak and then have contempt for them. Appearing hurt and wounded doesn’t get you anywhere with a grouchy guy. They think it’s manipulative.

            Maybe you get angry when your grouchy guy isn’t being nice and to assert yourself you express your anger. But the next thing you know you are have a screaming match on your hands and things are getting pretty ugly, maybe even in front of the kids. Getting angry doesn’t get you anywhere because then you turn into his scolding mother. If you get angry he will no longer see you as the sexy romantic partner he once loved because you have morphed into his disciplinarian mother who is trying to force him to be obedient. Naturally, he will become only more rebellious. You might get him to begrudgingly submit out of guilt but he will hold it against you and get even with you one way or another, perhaps even by cheating on you with someone at work who seduces him by seeming more indulgent and accommodating than you are.

            Of course, you could just try to ignore his grouchiness and try not to let it bother you and try to learn to live with it. But because he is a grouchy guy and is trying to get a rise out of you, he’s just going to drive you crazy until you lose it. If you try to ignore his chronic irritability and constant put downs, you are just going to build up resentment like a pressure cooker until you finally explode. So what do you do if you can’t just ignore him, can’t express your hurt feelings openly, and can’t express your angry feelings openly? What options are left?

            Fortunately, there are two good options left which are more likely to be effective with a grouchy guy: 1) Good natured teasing and 2) Firm limit setting.

            Grouchy guys have often lost their sense of humor. Every little thing about you is annoying to them and they have to constantly harp on the fact of how everything you do drives them crazy. The basic idea of good natured teasing is that every time your grouchy guy says something critical, insulting, or bossy, you don’t have to take it seriously, just make a joke about it. For example, your grouchy guy starts scolding you for misplacing his favorite coffee mug that he can’t find. You can argue that you didn’t misplace his coffee mug or that even if you did what’s the big deal and you’ll probably have a huge fight on your hands about a stupid little thing. But you could kid around and say something like: “I hid it on purpose because I know you can’t live without your favorite coffee mug” or “Why don’t you take care of your coffee mug yourself if you don’t like the way I take care of things around here, you’re a big boy, now so learn to take care of yourself.” To women’s ears these comments might sound too harsh, even emasculating, but this is the kind of language that grouchy guys understand. This is the way grouchy guys deal with each other, through what I call “verbal roughhousing.” Grouchy guys like to play rough, that’s the way they deal with all their pent-up aggression. Grouchy guys have to be taught a lesson: “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.” You have to show them that you don’t take them too seriously when they are acting like a first class jerk. You need to make fun of them when they are acting insufferably to show them that they have lost your respect. In cultures where there is very little male aggression, it is achieved because the men relentlessly mock each other when they get out of line until the men acquire better self-control of their aggressive impulses. Men respect sassy women who can put them in their place by a witty put down. Unfortunately, in our culture it is usually the men who make jokes and the women who are the appreciative audience for men’s humor. But sometimes in a marriage there has to be a role reversal and the women need to get their grouchy guys to lighten up and not take themselves so seriously.

            Your grouchy guy will really appreciate you if you can learn how to diffuse a tense situation with humor. But you have to understand that the type of humor that most grouchy guys like is rude, crude, and lewd, not always the witty repartee we see in old fashioned romantic comedies. If you can learn to amuse your grouchy guy with that sort of humor, you will have him eating of your hand and he will feel like he is the luckiest guy in the world. It will also re-awaken his waning sexual interest in you. Grouchy guys want to have sex with women who can make them laugh.

            Humor only works when a grouchy guy is mildly annoyed. Humor doesn’t work when a grouchy guy is really angry. Then he is too far gone to be reached by humor. Once he is really angry he can’t even think straight so you can’t really have a rational dialogue with him. So what women have to learn is to not even try to have a rational discussion with a grouchy guy once he has lost it. It’s better to tell him that he is out of control and out of line, that you won’t talk to him if he is going to talk to you in such a disrespectful way, and that he better go off by himself to cool down and don’t talk to you until he can talk to you in a calm and respectful way. Thus you have to set limits on his grouchiness by refusing to talk to him unless he can talk to you like a civilized and mature adult. First you try to diffuse a tense situation with a little humor but if that doesn’t work set a limit on him and tell him to get out your face until he calms down.

Once a grouchy guy cools down he will be nicer and more conciliatory. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to do this because they want the immediate reassurance in the midst of an ugly fight that everything is OK. Women hate it when men withdraw in anger because they feel rejected, if not abandoned, by the men they love. But it is better to let your grouchy guy withdraw in anger until he is ready to make nice. Forcing him to reassure you that he still loves you when he is fuming with anger is just going to result in an even bigger blow-up.

            So these are the basic tools of effective grouchy guy management. Don’t ignore him, don’t act hurt and wounded, don’t scold him, and don’t pressure him for reassurance. That will only further antagonize him and make a bad situation a whole lot worse. Use humor and good natured teasing, preferably a bit crude and lewd, to diffuse a tense situation when your grouchy guy is mildly annoyed. When he is really angry give him a time out until he calms down and sounds conciliatory. Good luck learning to manage your grouchy guy because you deserve better.

  Let me know what you think.

To read more about Dr. Josephs, click here

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