THE GROUCHY GUY: SECRET SEX LIVES

The Grouchy Guy: Secret Sex Lives

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PhD

The Secret Sex Lives of Grouchy Guys

To some degree all men are inclined towards what might be called “dual track” sex lives, one track in the marriage and one track outside of it. This is an extremely touchy issue in most long-term relationships that rarely gets discussed in any open manner. There is usually a “don’t ask don’t tell policy” when it comes to this aspect of a couple’s sexual relationship. Many men have a need to maintain what psychologists call “orgasmic constancy” in their lives. That means that many men have a need for a certain number of orgasms per week, whether that means daily orgasms, three orgasms a week, or one orgasm a week. If they are not meeting their need for orgasmic constancy with their partners, they will satisfy their need for orgasmic constancy in some other way, usually through masturbation. A study looking at male sexuality between ages 40 and 70 discovered that every decade men’s erectile functioning deteriorated, it took greater stimulation to get aroused, the strength of their orgasms diminished, and the volume of their ejaculate decreased. Nevertheless, the one thing that remained the same was the frequency of masturbation to orgasm. Whatever the demoralizing effects of aging on male sexual functioning, men appear stubbornly determined to maintain their orgasmic constancy to the bitter end.

This aspect of male sexuality tends to remain shrouded in secrecy. Perhaps men have a stronger sex drive because they have seven times as much circulating testosterone in their blood stream and testosterone levels seem to influence sex drive. Female transexuals who take testosterone report that their sex drive significantly increases as does the frequency of their sexual fantasies. Some post-menopausal women are given testosterone to increase their sex drive and it appears to work.   Whatever the reason, many men seemed to be obsessed with maintaining their orgasmic constancy and become grouchy when they can’t. It is not that many women do not struggle with such issues as well. Women’s adrenal glands and ovaries secret testosterone so it is possible that women with higher basal testosterone levels may also struggle with the problem of how to gratify a particularly strong sex drive.

Many women in committed relationships don’t like to think about this issue, especially if they do not experience their own sex drive as an incessant obsessive pressure to be relieved on a daily basis. Many women don’t really want to contemplate how many orgasms a week their men need to have in order to maintain orgasmic constancy or how many orgasms a week her partner is having with her and how many he is probably having on his own and not mentioning to her. Some women might like to assume that if her sex life is dropping off with her partner and she is having fewer orgasms that her husband is most likely having fewer orgasms as well. That is often a mistaken assumption. He is most likely relieving himself in some other way and not talking about it. He may even come to prefer relieving himself in some other way in order to preserve a sense of having an independent sex life outside of the committed relationship. He may be maintaining an independent sex life through masturbation perhaps accompanied by pornography to intensify the fantasy of having sex with someone other than his partner.  Or he may act out his fantasy of sexual independence by actually having affairs or using prostitutes, like one former governor of New York State.

It is not that women are not having their own secret sex lives outside of their committed relationships. In egalitarian societies women are cheating almost as much as the men but they seem to cheat more often in search of romantic love than casual sexual relief. Yet many women feel betrayed when they realize the extent of their partners’ secret sex lives even if it is only a secret obsession with internet pornography. This issue is an underlying tension in most long-term relationships and as touchy an issue as it is, it is probably better to try to openly discuss it than pretend like it doesn’t exist. Every couple has to find creative ways of dealing with differences in the intensity of their sex drives and desires for sex outside of their long-term relationship, whether it is men looking for casual sex or women looking for romantic love outside of the marriage. Women have to make clear to men what their “line in the sand” is when it comes to extra-marital sexual outlets. If the line in the sand is “you can look but don’t touch” men better understand what the consequences will be for touching or letting themselves be touched. And in an age of computer sex and phone sex, there are now all kinds of sex that don’t require actual touching that women may not want their partners participating in.  If you want a relationship in which there is trust based upon complete honesty about sexual matters, you have to learn how to talk openly about touchy topics but many people believe, rightly or wrongly, that some things are better left unsaid.

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GROUCHY GUY: TEASING AND ANGER MANAGEMENT

Grouchy Guy: Teasing and Anger Management

BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD

As grouchy guys privately try to manage their conflicts about sexual fidelity in long-term monogamous relationships, they sometimes begin to lose their sense of humor and that’s why they can become very touchy about stupid little things. Arguments about stupid little things then can easily escalate into major blow-ups. Sometimes such an ugly scene can be nipped in the bud by turning an irritable interchange into an amusing one through a teasing remark that doesn’t take a grouchy guy’s complaints too seriously or too personally.

Social psychologists have noted that teasing is central to social life from childhood on and can be used to bring people closer together or to bully and humiliate them. On the positive side, teasing can be an imaginative and playful way to socialize, to flirt, and to resolve conflicts. On the negative side, teasing can be used as a weapon that is used to demean someone while pretending that it’s only kidding around. Teasing can turn a tense and testy moment into a special form of intimacy, two people having a good laugh with each other as they narrowly averted a major blow-up. Nobody is taking themselves too seriously. And in a romantic relationship since teasing is such an important part of flirting, teasing can re-awaken romantic feelings in a couple whose irritability with each other has thrown a big wet towel on their romantic passion.

Yet teasing in romantic relationships can backfire if it cuts to the quick, if it pores salt into old wounds rather than let’s those wounds heal. Especially, when teasing has that sarcastic edge, it is more likely to antagonize than amuse. The challenge in long-term romantic relationships is how to enable grouchy guys and grouchy gals to rediscover the pleasure they once shared in flirtatiously teasing one another. Flirtatious teasing does seem to be the basis of romantic seduction and just might be the basis of restoring romantic passion in a relationship once it has been lost because of never ending petty bickering over stupid little things.

So the challenge is this if you are living with either a grouchy guy or a grouchy girl. The next time they are barking at you about some stupid little thing. Try not to take it too personally, try not to take the specific complaint too seriously, try not to become too defensive, and try not to respond argumentatively as your grouchy partner is unconsciously trying to bait you into an argument. Remember that your grouchy partner is probably stressed out about some deeper inner issues that aren’t really being discussed and that they aren’t quite ready to talk about openly. They are being grouchy to blow off steam, unfortunately at your expense, but it’s better not to get too indignant about that. But just maybe you could find it within yourself to respond with some flirtatiously teasing comment, the sort your partner used to like back when you were originally trying to woo and win your partner as a lifelong partner, before the demands and frustrations of a long-term monogamous relationship began to wear both of you down. Just maybe you might be able to avert an ugly blow up by turning a testy moment into a humorous interchange that just might reawaken some of the romantic passion that you shared back in the good old days when you used to share the enjoyment of flirtatiously teasing each other.

Once a big fight has been successfully avoided and romantic passion reawakened by flirtatious teasing, it might seem that staying in a long-term monogamous relationship isn’t such a bad idea after all and maybe the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. For anyone interested in a comprehensive literature review of the research on teasing see: Keltner, D. et al. (2001) Just teasing: A conceptual analysis and empirical review. Psychological Bulletin. 127: 229-248.

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To find out more about Dr. Josephs, click here to read his bio.

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