BLOGGERS: Mary A. Languirand, PhD and Robert F. Bornstein, PhD
The typical caregiver has many roles–daughter or son, spouse, parent, co-worker, sibling, friend…..the list goes on. Some of these are supporting roles, with modest demands, but some are leading roles with multiple responsibilities. The juxtaposition of large and small, crucial and trivial, short-term and long-term requires a lot of cognitive and emotional readjustment. It sounds easy until you try to do it. The sheer energy required to shift perspective from one role to another is one part of the stress. Weighing competing views and opinions is another. When everybody needs a piece of you, allotting your time and energy becomes a complex balancing act.
We’re always amazed at the flexibility shown by many caregivers. There you are, talking on the cell phone with children, or directing clients or office staff on important matters as you tote drugstore bags with Mom’s favorite lipstick and hand lotion, her laundry neatly folded in a duffle on the other arm. When you think about all the steps involved in those processes, and all the details you’re juggling, it’s amazing you can keep it all straight. But what’s the impact–what’s the cost?
Great thinkers encourage us to ‘live in the moment,’ and savor life as it happens. It’s a terrific idea, but when you have many roles the actual experience is very different–at any given moment, you must think about your next move, your next meeting, next week, next month, and next year. Someone recently remarked that most days they begin work while still in the shower–funny, but true. The shower, the drive to work, and the other moments of ‘down time’ can quickly be absorbed in thinking about our responsibilities. We ruminate about work while driving, focus on the kids’ recital during a meeting, generate a grocery list at the recital. The result is the feeling of always being ‘elsewhere’ or in the ‘wrong’ mode. This is less of a problem while in the shower than it is when you’re behind the wheel (since research suggests that half of all car accidents are due to driver distraction), but it’s still a problem.
People are often surprised to see the data on multitasking. Not only is the practice actually less efficient than doing one thing at a time, it also has emotional costs. Not being fully present in what’s happening causes you to miss events going on around you–you’re there, but derive little benefit. Further, those close to you really do notice–and sometimes resent–your ‘absent presence’. Bosses, clients, spouses, and children are notoriously intolerant of anything less than your undivided attention. However, their resentment–whether or not they express it directly–likely pales next to that of an ill or aging loved one.
When you’re ill your world tends to shrink. Makes sense if you think about it: The personal relevance of many matters outside your immediate environment becomes increasingly remote. From a psychological viewpoint, this is good energy conservation–you don’t waste precious time on things that aren’t affecting you. It also captures one part of ‘being in the moment’ quite brilliantly. However, it can be problematic when dealing with those still focused on more distant matters.
When you’ve had a horrible day at work, gotten bad news about the kids, and sloshed through evil traffic in two inches of sleet to deliver your loved one’s laundry (all the while listening to news about the tanking economy and mortgage meltdowns), you should get a little credit for your care giving efforts. You might even want a little sympathy. You’re more likely to get criticized for ‘not visiting enough’ before getting an earful about everything that went wrong while you were away….
So what can you do to cope? Three things:
1. Role pruning
Those who have pondered deep philosophical matters all come around to the same conclusions: Life is precious, time is fleeting, and there aren’t any do-overs. You can’t ever get lost time back, so give some thought to what you’re doing and why. Review each of your commitments, and take a hard look at what you give and get in each. You can’t just ditch some roles when they’re no longer fun. If this were possible, few teenagers would still have their parents’ address or phone number. However, you can re-evaluate the roles you’ve taken on, and change those that aren’t fulfilling. Some burdens are eased by reminding yourself that they’re temporary. You can also delegate responsibilities. In spite of how it may sometimes feel, you are not the only person in the world able to do some tasks. Share the burden–ask for help.
2. Set some limits
Figure out how much time you want to allocate to each role, and stick to those guidelines. True, some flexibility is in order here: Emergent situations do arise, and require appropriate action. However, if some parts of your life seem to generate constant chaos and absorb most of your energies, it might be time to put on the brakes. Leave losing battles, and give more of yourself to those things that re-energize you. This is based on sound psychological principles: Reinforce desirable behavior, and withdraw reinforcement from bad behavior. So if your loved one is truly being impossible, it’s OK to visit briefly and call it a day–you’ll stay longer when she’s in a better mood. You can advise her of what you’re doing and why if you want to, but it really isn’t necessary. The beauty of reinforcement principles is that they impact behavior naturally, regardless of whether the person is aware of it.
3. Take care of yourself
We’re bombarded by the same messages over and over for a reason: they’re important, they’re usually true, and most of the time they work. So here’s a good message: You must reserve time for yourself if you’re going to function optimally. Maintaining your own health is crucial; if you get sick, nobody wins. Exercise, time spent with friends, adequate sleep, proper diet, and a few little indulgences and self-rewards are essential if you want to keep going. Being a good caregiver means taking care of yourself as well. You’re not being selfish–it’s just common sense.
Robert Bornstein and Mary Languirand are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press.The second edition, revised and updated, was just released.Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901
To find out more about Robert Bornstein, click his photo to read his bio and click the links to read his other blogs.
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Starting next year, the first wave of America’s 80 million baby boomers will turn 65. Think about it, 80 million new customers for the field/industry of aging. That’s a huge number! And this is a major demographic revolution, not some fly by night trend. Since there’s a big age range between the youngest and oldest baby boomers (19 years), this will be a period of sustained change. If you like to be inventive or entrepreneurial (and I do), here’s an expansive field that is wide open!
I work in the field of aging and think it’s one of the most exiting places to be. To me, aging is a new frontier – for the first time in our country’s history, more people are living longer than ever before. Older people today are our pioneers – forging ahead into unchartered territories and creating a host of opportunities along the way. I’m eager to forge ahead and excited to help shape the future of the industry, for with luck we shall all reach this demographic one day!
Think about it. How will baby boomers live? Where will they live? What will they wear? What will they consume? What new products will they demand? Will they have more time in the work force or more leisure? One thing’s for sure – baby boomers will be a different generation of older adults, requiring new and different approaches to living out their extra years. There will be a huge demand for new products and services. New jobs that have yet to be imagined. And new policies that address the challenges and opportunities brought about by a rapidly aging society.
I’m currently working as a program manager for a growing non-profit organization that is looking at a big policy issue – how are we going to care for this growing population of older adults? Right now, there’s a critical shortage of professional caregivers and families are fragmented and/or stretched to the max. This project, developed by members of The Transition Network (www.thetransitionnetwork.org), taps into the human and social capital that resides within their community to help each other through temporary periods of illness and disability. It increases the pool of caregivers by extending this role to informal communities – where networks and friendships are already in place.
This is just one example of some of the exciting work that’s going on in aging. Unfortunately, when it comes to aging, you’re likely to hear more gloom and doom than then its upside. That’s why I got involved in ImagineAge. To add a bit of imagination, sparkle and pizzazz to a field that has a bad rap. If you have specific questions or topics you want covered, please let me know. If you are in school and curious what options the field might hold for you, send me a note! If your job on Wall Street disappeared before you even started it, I’d be happy to tell you about some of the exciting options in the field of aging.
In upcoming blogs, I’ll be sharing some fresh approaches, innovative ideas and interesting people that I hope will inspire you to imagine a new age! Stay tuned……
In the meantime, if you have anything you’d like to share, leave a comment. We’d love to know about ideas you have!
I received some feedback from my first blog and I hope this blog helps address the question of backing up your files to an external hard drive.
Let me just start by saying that backing up your file content should be done if your computer is 2 years or older – of course any time before that is good too – but it is really important if you have a computer 2 years or older. I’ll explain how to do this with a PC and with a MAC.
To view the file content of your external hard drive on a Windows PC.
1. Open windows explorer. Click the “Start” icon in the lower left of
your desk top screen.
2. In the “Start Search” panel – type “windows explorer” and hit enter.
This will open your windows explorer.
3. In the side bar – Select and open the “Computer” icon folder. Below the computer icon you will see all external drives and external memory cards/sticks listed.
In this example (C:) is the computer hard drive
(D:) is the computer data drive
(E:) is the DVD/CDR drive
(F:) is a removable data stick
(G:) is a Western Digital external hard drive
(H:) is a Toshiba external hard drive
4. Select the external hard drive – in this example the external hard drives have a manufacturer name and icon “My Book” and “TOSHIBA”.
5. I have selected the “My Book” external hard drive.
6. I now can see what folders and files are present on the Drive.
7. Open any folder on the external drive to view the content.
To view the file content of your external hard drive on a MAC
1. Open finder window by clicking on the finder icon in the MAC Dock.
The side bar helps you navigate
2. Click on the external drive icon to see what folders are available.
3. Or – search for a file using spotlight – type in a file name in the
window and finder will show you all relevant files and where they are
I have been asked to help fellow boomers understand the basics of computers in terms and examples that are easy to understand.
I am not a wiz bang certified computer specialist so don’t expect a lot of fast phrased explanations in geek.
Like most of you, I use a computer every day at work and at home, and try to keep up with technology and how it relates to my specific needs.
It is my goal to translate what I have learned in simple terms, in the hope that it will help you better understand how to get the most out of your computer.
In upcoming episodes, I will present what I have come to understand about my computer.
I will talk about
The Central Processing Unit or CPU
Memory – do you have enough
Disk Drives (internal and external) – do you really know what it does.
Memory stick and memory cards
Data and system backup – do you have a backup of your stuff?
External devices that use: USB, FireWire, Bluetooth, and PCMCIA slots.
Internet and networking. Dial-up, DSL, Cable connections
If you have any questions about your computer, I will help you find the answer.
So send me a reply and let me know how I can help.
To find out more about Robert Bornstein, click his photo to read his bio and click the links to read his other blogs.
