Grouchy Gals: How Men Let Women Down

Grouchy Gals: How Men Let Women Down

BLOGGER:  LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD

We all know what men think of an angry woman. For most men an angry woman is a “bitch.” Of course, it’s not fair that an angry man is often construed as an assertive man who has self-respect because he stands up for himself. An angry woman is just seen as a scolding shrew, not a particularly attractive or feminine trait. It’s just one more double standard that women are subjected to. What men never ask themselves is why are women so angry at men and if just perhaps men may have done something to provoke women’s anger. Men just assume that an angry woman is a crazy woman who is irrational. It doesn’t occur to most men that they have anything to do with it, that perhaps men drive women crazy by their actions.

I’m going to do something that no self-respecting man is supposed to do, to break the “bro’ code” (i.e. the secret fraternal code of conduct that is not to be admitted to women). The “bro’ code” are the secret stratagems that men use to have their way with women, be it to get laid, to get a woman to fall in love with him, or to keep a married woman subservient. Basically, men intuit what women are looking for in a romantic partner. The basic strategy is to seduce women by pretending to be what they want you to be and once they are hooked just do whatever the hell you want, whether they like it or not, because men believe that once women become attached to them they can exploit that emotional dependency to get their way. Men assume that women are too frightened of abandonment, of replacement, and of being on their own to ever kick them out and find someone better.

What do women want in a man, nothing particularly exotic, just a reasonably handsome, healthy guy who will be loving, devoted, and caring husband and father as well as a reasonable provider. And guys know it helps a lot if you look at a woman adoringly as though she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. So you just keep up the act until a woman is hooked and then presumably you have got her over a barrel and can have your way with her. That’s why women are angry, that men seduce them with false pretenses and then disappointment them one way or another by not living up to their advance billing. It’s not that women don’t play the same game with men but that’s another story for another blog. Once women really that they have been hookwinked and bamboozled by the men they love they are pretty “pissed off,” to put it mildly.

What are the common sorts of promises men make and break, the expectations they set up and then disappoint? Men seem to be looking for a relationship but then they just want casual sex as they turn out to be a love them and leave them kind of guy? Men seem to want to long-term monogamous relationship but they really want a mother for their children while they entertain mistresses on the side? A man might seem like a kind, good natured, and considerate gentleman but turns out to be a crude, vulgar, and grouchy guy who likes to burp and fart to his heart’s content. A man might seem like a real go getter who will be a great provider but then he gambles away the family’s financial security by going deep into debt to salvage a failing business? A man might seem easy going and flexible but turns out to be stubborn and belligerent instead. The list goes on and on of men seeming to be one way during the courtship stage of relationship and then turning out to be another way once the honeymoon is over and they are no longer on their best behavior. This is why women can turn into grouchy gals or depressed dreamers who yearn for something a bit more romantic.

My advice now is really more for men than for women. If men are living with a grouchy gal and don’t like living with someone they perceive as “bitchy,” now you know why. You seduced her on false pretenses during the courtship stage and now you are not living up to expectations. If you can see that and feel at least a little compassion for her predicament and would like to live with a less irritable spouse, this is what you have got to do:

1) You don’t have to live up to your advanced billing because that’s not you. Face it, you are a big disappointment as a husband and there is nothing you can do about it. You’re really not as nice a person as you thought you were. Maybe you are a bit of loser so just suck it up and take it like a man. Don’t dump your frustrations on your wife.

2) Given that your wife puts up with you at all, no matter how resentfully, you should be thankful that she doesn’t throw you out on your aging butt. Despite women’s fears of being alone, women actually do much better on their own than men do. Men can’t really take care of themselves no matter how self-sufficient and independent they pretend to be.

3) Don’t take her bitchiness so personally, she has to let off steam given that you are really just a big baby that she is stuck taking care of, especially once you become an old fart who will probably die almost a decade before she does and need a lot of draining custodial care. It’s really no big deal to be a bit more accepting and tolerant of the fact that sometimes your wife is totally disgusted with you and looks at you with contempt. Show a little gratitude that she puts up with your crap because really living with you is no picnic.

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Coping with Dementia: A Caregiver’s Guide

Coping With Dementia: A Caregiver’s Guide

BLOGGERS: MARY A. LANGUIRAND, PHD

ROBERT F. BORNSTEIN, PHD

Many people who have experienced a loved one’s dementia have said that given the choice, they’d rather deal with almost any other ailment, no matter how painful or debilitating.  Medical science has gotten pretty good at alleviating pain or restoring physical function—hearts can be made to beat properly, lost limbs can be accommodated with prosthetic devices, failed organs can be replaced via transplant.  However, there’s almost nothing we can do to fix the deterioration of memory, communication skills, and reasoning that dementia steals away.  Some recent experimental drugs hold promise, but at this point most of those medications are just that: experimental.  And few experiences are as frustrating as watching a once-vibrant, intelligent, witty person deteriorate into a confused stranger.

There are numerous forms of dementia, and great differences from person to person in how dementia symptoms are expressed.  However, all forms of dementia have certain common features.  These include:

• loss of memory and impairment in reasoning abilities
• changes in the ability to produce and/or understand verbal, written, and symbolic language
• deterioration in everyday practical skills

In the early stages of dementia, the person usually knows that ‘something is wrong’.  She may realize that she is having difficulty remembering names, balancing a checkbook, or figuring out how to use the microwave.  Some people acknowledge their problems openly and voice frustration, fear, or embarrassment about them.  While this response may provoke worry in you, it’s actually pretty adaptive: It’s an opportunity to discuss the problems openly, and work on ways to address them.

Things get trickier when your loved one goes to great lengths to hide or deny their difficulties.  They may offer plausible explanations and excuses.  “I read perfectly well—I just need new glasses!”  “The buttons on that remote are too small!”  “I know exactly where I left my bag!  It’s not there—somebody must have taken it!”

At first you will probably respond with problem-solving suggestions and helpful gestures, arranging eye appointments, buying new remotes, and so forth.  You’ll eventually find that most of these efforts don’t actually solve the problems (even if they help temporarily).  Worse, over time your efforts may be met with angry rejection, recriminations, or even abuse: Dementia is frightening to the person who has it (even if they deny it), and they’re likely to lash out at the nearest moving target.  That’s you.

You may both get pretty frustrated and angry with one another during this period, and the relationship may become quite fraught.  You feel that you are always encountering an angry, frightened, edgy person who is quick to attack you for their problems.  The care-receiver feels that they’re being patronized, marginalized, or discounted.

As the disease progresses, the capacity for realizing that there are problems fades, and the person with dementia becomes less aware of her behavior and its impact.  At this point, the patient is often blessed with ‘pleasant confusion,’ especially if their environment can anticipate and meet most of their needs successfully.  They may not be able to tell you who’s president, name their grandchildren, or recall how to cook a favorite meal, but as long as they can be physically comfortable, they tend to accept whatever is happening without question.  Some skills and pieces of information may be preserved pretty well—they may be able to knit with great skill, or recite baseball statistics from games they watched 30 years ago with total accuracy.  Often, they will construct a sort of “Reader’s Digest” version of their life experiences and beliefs, which will be presented as indisputable fact.  When the story is reasonably accurate and presents all the players in a favorable light, it can be a pretty good construct (so leave it alone).  Problems arise when significant distortions or hard-to-hear criticisms of yourself or those you love get incorporated into the narrative.  Hearing one parent criticize the other, or advise new acquaintances that your spouse is a real loser hurts, even if there’s some truth to the observation.  Worse, you (and everyone else) will hear it over and over.  The temptation to argue, correct, or defend may be very strong.  Sadly, facts and logic usually get you nowhere.

So, what do you do?  Some responses tend to work better than others.

First, remain calm. Answering the same question 20 times in one afternoon or hearing your loved one recite a totally skewed account of events for the hundredth time can make you want to scream.  Losing your cool helps nobody.  Your loved one did not develop dementia in order to annoy you, they’re not doing it on purpose, and they can’t help it.  So change the subject.  Suggest that you go out on the patio and look at the flowers.  Take a break.  If all else fails, leave—do something that will help you regain control.  Take a walk, grab a cup or tea, call a friend, pray.

Distraction sometimes works. Some realities will not change however much you discuss them, rendering the interaction upsetting and pointless.  “Re-direction” is the formal term for moving from a hot topic to something more neutral.  It’s harder to do than it sounds, especially with people with dementia, who can be surprisingly stubborn in their focus on a given topic.  However, persistence can sometimes pay off.  “Why can’t I go home with you tonight?”  can be countered with “They’re going to be showing your favorite movie in the dining room after dinner.  Remember how great Bogart was in Casablanca?”

Keep problem-solving efforts reasonable. When Mom complains that the telephone buttons are too small, buy her a phone with bigger numbers.  When she complains that there are ‘too many numbers to dial,’ program the speed dial function, and leave a note explaining how to use it.  However, when she complains that she can’t actually reach anybody on the phone in spite of all these efforts, what are you supposed to do?  That one’s a trap, so you may want to respond with a vague reply about ‘how busy people are these days,’ and change the topic.  You cannot ‘solve’ dementia—know when to quit.

Here’s a key one: Try to acknowledge feeling, rather than content.  “I want to go home” may actually mean “I miss the way things were,” “I’m frightened,” “I hate being sick,” or all of the above.  You know your loved one well, and can probably make a pretty good guess about the feelings associated with many of the things she says.  In this area the research findings are clear: Addressing the underlying feeling is more effective than arguing the logic.

That’s our best advice, but we’d like to hear from you as well.  What are your experiences in coping with a loved one’s dementia.  What has worked for you?

Robert Bornstein and Mary Languirand are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press (2009). Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901

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GROUCHY GUY: TEASING AND ANGER MANAGEMENT

Grouchy Guy: Teasing and Anger Management

BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD

As grouchy guys privately try to manage their conflicts about sexual fidelity in long-term monogamous relationships, they sometimes begin to lose their sense of humor and that’s why they can become very touchy about stupid little things. Arguments about stupid little things then can easily escalate into major blow-ups. Sometimes such an ugly scene can be nipped in the bud by turning an irritable interchange into an amusing one through a teasing remark that doesn’t take a grouchy guy’s complaints too seriously or too personally.

Social psychologists have noted that teasing is central to social life from childhood on and can be used to bring people closer together or to bully and humiliate them. On the positive side, teasing can be an imaginative and playful way to socialize, to flirt, and to resolve conflicts. On the negative side, teasing can be used as a weapon that is used to demean someone while pretending that it’s only kidding around. Teasing can turn a tense and testy moment into a special form of intimacy, two people having a good laugh with each other as they narrowly averted a major blow-up. Nobody is taking themselves too seriously. And in a romantic relationship since teasing is such an important part of flirting, teasing can re-awaken romantic feelings in a couple whose irritability with each other has thrown a big wet towel on their romantic passion.

Yet teasing in romantic relationships can backfire if it cuts to the quick, if it pores salt into old wounds rather than let’s those wounds heal. Especially, when teasing has that sarcastic edge, it is more likely to antagonize than amuse. The challenge in long-term romantic relationships is how to enable grouchy guys and grouchy gals to rediscover the pleasure they once shared in flirtatiously teasing one another. Flirtatious teasing does seem to be the basis of romantic seduction and just might be the basis of restoring romantic passion in a relationship once it has been lost because of never ending petty bickering over stupid little things.

So the challenge is this if you are living with either a grouchy guy or a grouchy girl. The next time they are barking at you about some stupid little thing. Try not to take it too personally, try not to take the specific complaint too seriously, try not to become too defensive, and try not to respond argumentatively as your grouchy partner is unconsciously trying to bait you into an argument. Remember that your grouchy partner is probably stressed out about some deeper inner issues that aren’t really being discussed and that they aren’t quite ready to talk about openly. They are being grouchy to blow off steam, unfortunately at your expense, but it’s better not to get too indignant about that. But just maybe you could find it within yourself to respond with some flirtatiously teasing comment, the sort your partner used to like back when you were originally trying to woo and win your partner as a lifelong partner, before the demands and frustrations of a long-term monogamous relationship began to wear both of you down. Just maybe you might be able to avert an ugly blow up by turning a testy moment into a humorous interchange that just might reawaken some of the romantic passion that you shared back in the good old days when you used to share the enjoyment of flirtatiously teasing each other.

Once a big fight has been successfully avoided and romantic passion reawakened by flirtatious teasing, it might seem that staying in a long-term monogamous relationship isn’t such a bad idea after all and maybe the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. For anyone interested in a comprehensive literature review of the research on teasing see: Keltner, D. et al. (2001) Just teasing: A conceptual analysis and empirical review. Psychological Bulletin. 127: 229-248.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

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