GROUCHY GUY: TEASING AND ANGER MANAGEMENT
Grouchy Guy: Teasing and Anger Management
BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD
As grouchy guys privately try to manage their conflicts about sexual fidelity in long-term monogamous relationships, they sometimes begin to lose their sense of humor and that’s why they can become very touchy about stupid little things. Arguments about stupid little things then can easily escalate into major blow-ups. Sometimes such an ugly scene can be nipped in the bud by turning an irritable interchange into an amusing one through a teasing remark that doesn’t take a grouchy guy’s complaints too seriously or too personally.
Social psychologists have noted that teasing is central to social life from childhood on and can be used to bring people closer together or to bully and humiliate them. On the positive side, teasing can be an imaginative and playful way to socialize, to flirt, and to resolve conflicts. On the negative side, teasing can be used as a weapon that is used to demean someone while pretending that it’s only kidding around. Teasing can turn a tense and testy moment into a special form of intimacy, two people having a good laugh with each other as they narrowly averted a major blow-up. Nobody is taking themselves too seriously. And in a romantic relationship since teasing is such an important part of flirting, teasing can re-awaken romantic feelings in a couple whose irritability with each other has thrown a big wet towel on their romantic passion.
Yet teasing in romantic relationships can backfire if it cuts to the quick, if it pores salt into old wounds rather than let’s those wounds heal. Especially, when teasing has that sarcastic edge, it is more likely to antagonize than amuse. The challenge in long-term romantic relationships is how to enable grouchy guys and grouchy gals to rediscover the pleasure they once shared in flirtatiously teasing one another. Flirtatious teasing does seem to be the basis of romantic seduction and just might be the basis of restoring romantic passion in a relationship once it has been lost because of never ending petty bickering over stupid little things.
So the challenge is this if you are living with either a grouchy guy or a grouchy girl. The next time they are barking at you about some stupid little thing. Try not to take it too personally, try not to take the specific complaint too seriously, try not to become too defensive, and try not to respond argumentatively as your grouchy partner is unconsciously trying to bait you into an argument. Remember that your grouchy partner is probably stressed out about some deeper inner issues that aren’t really being discussed and that they aren’t quite ready to talk about openly. They are being grouchy to blow off steam, unfortunately at your expense, but it’s better not to get too indignant about that. But just maybe you could find it within yourself to respond with some flirtatiously teasing comment, the sort your partner used to like back when you were originally trying to woo and win your partner as a lifelong partner, before the demands and frustrations of a long-term monogamous relationship began to wear both of you down. Just maybe you might be able to avert an ugly blow up by turning a testy moment into a humorous interchange that just might reawaken some of the romantic passion that you shared back in the good old days when you used to share the enjoyment of flirtatiously teasing each other.
Once a big fight has been successfully avoided and romantic passion reawakened by flirtatious teasing, it might seem that staying in a long-term monogamous relationship isn’t such a bad idea after all and maybe the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. For anyone interested in a comprehensive literature review of the research on teasing see: Keltner, D. et al. (2001) Just teasing: A conceptual analysis and empirical review. Psychological Bulletin. 127: 229-248.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?
To find out more about Dr. Josephs, click here to read his bio.
