Sex and the Sixty: The Date

Sex and the Sixty: The Date

Blogger: Renee Fisher

Before reading, if you haven’t read the first three blogs in the series, you can click the links below:

Sex and the Sixty: Online Dating

Sex and the Sixty: Susan Gets Online

Sex and the Sixty: Not a Good Match

Sex and the Sixty: The Coffee Shop

When my friend Susan goes on actual dates, she does exactly the same things that most people do.  She goes out to dinner.  She goes to the movies.  She goes to female impersonator shows.  But somehow, the end result always seems to veer off course.

Sometimes, she and the guy never even make it to the actual date.  On one occasion, she and her date planned a picnic.  They would meet in the parking lot near the picnic area.  They had decided that they would each bring food.  Susan was to bring the wine; her date was to bring an assortment of cheeses and crackers.  A romantic first date was anticipated by Susan.  Subsequent events would make her less optimistic.  Her date was late, and then, when he finally arrived, she watched him circle the parking lot for about five minutes before he finally parked the car.

When he did finally did pull into a parking space and Susan came over to his car, she asked him if there was a problem.  He said there was no problem, but he immediately complained about the day being so warm and his wanting a soda during the drive and stopping at a 7-11 to get one, but not being willing to spend $1.50.  Susan then told him that she had wanted to call him to see why he was late, but she didn’t have his cell number.  He told her he didn’t own a cell phone because they were too expensive.

They then walked to what Susan described as “the edge a cliff” (Susan doesn’t get into parks very often).   Susan carried a bottle of wine and two glasses.  She noticed that her date didn’t seem to be carrying anything.

By now, she was adding up all the negatives of the situation and deciding that she really just wanted to go home.  She told him she wasn’t feeling well, and decided to pass on the “picnic.”  Her date expressed concern and asked her if she wanted to just go back to his car, sit and eat the crackers and two slices of Velveeta that were in his pocket.  Susan told him she was allergic to Velveeta and left.  She took the bottle of wine home with her and consumed a fair amount of it that evening.

Another favorite of mine (I’m not sure why Susan doesn’t find quite the humor in it that I do), is one that I referred to briefly in a previous column.  I will now divulge all the details.  Susan and a man planned a movie date at a theater that was located in a shopping mall.  By the time they arrived, the theater was packed, and they couldn’t find seats together.  Her date rearranged the entire audience by telling them he was going to propose to her and they had to sit together. One of the people who was forced out of her seat was an elderly woman with a walker.  She ended up being moved to the first row, and being separated from her companion, all in the name of “love.”

Susan was mortified, but she said nothing.  The movie began and after about 30 minutes, Susan’s date announced that he was going to get popcorn.  He then disappeared for an hour.  Susan considered the possibilities and decided that one of two things had occurred.   Either he had a heart attack and the EMT had taken him away, not knowing that he had a date still sitting in the movie.  The other possibility was that the elderly woman in the front row had beaten him senseless with her walker.

It turned out that neither of these had occurred.  Her date finally returned, loaded with packages.  He said he had gone shopping because he didn’t like the movie.  He especially needed a new pair of shoes, and luckily, he found a store that had the perfect ones.  He then proceeded to dig into his shopping bag to show her.  Susan was so stunned, she didn’t say a word.  When the movie ended, she walked to the front of the theater to try to find the elderly woman and ask her if she could borrow her walker for a moment.  But the woman had already left.

I will explore more of Susan’s antics in subsequent postings.  Luckily for you and me, if not for Susan, there seems to be a never-ending supply.

Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area.  She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50  www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for  examiner.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.

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On Meeting Up with Elders: The Early Bird Special

On Meeting up with Elders: The Early Bird Special

BLOGGERS: Mary A. Languirand, PhD & Robert F. Bornstein, PhD

A friend told us the story of her mother’s most recent visit. Her mom didn’t drive, and planned to come by train. While not thrilled by this plan, there were few realistic alternatives, so our friend agreed—reluctantly, to be sure—and promised to be waiting at the station to pick her up. She arrived 10 minutes before the train was due, only to find her mother shivering on the wind-swept platform, clutching her suitcase: She’d taken an earlier train, having arrived at her departure station well ahead of schedule. The inevitable “why didn’t you call?” was met with protests that she was perfectly fine, didn’t want to disturb her, and so on. Our friend’s initial response was guilt, quickly followed by irritation, generating more guilt.

As we age, our capacity to judge time accurately diminishes: Most people begin to perceive time as passing more swiftly. This tendency is magnified significantly in the early phases of certain forms of dementia, when minutes start to feel like hours. However, the behavior isn’t limited to people with dementia—many older folks become hyper-aware of how time is precious and fleeting, and not wanting to miss out on anything, even the most laid-back elders evolve into “early birds”.

Other age-related factors also contribute to this shift. Deteriorating night vision can lead to avoidance of rush hour traffic and crowds, while the need for frequent bathroom breaks may make your loved one insist on multiple pit stops everywhere you go. For some family members and friends these behaviors are seen as harmless quirks, good for the occasional joke about having dinner mid-afternoon. However, these quirks can actually lead to some significant stress, particularly when you’re their primary source of transportation and support. When your own schedule is already overbooked, Dad’s insistence on arriving for his doctor appointments half an hour early may grate on your nerves (especially if his doctor is notorious for running late….and whose isn’t). A dozen phone calls to remind you of the appointment beforehand along with requests that you “hurry up” while en route may generate tension. So do frequent “what time is it getting to be?” queries while you sit in the waiting room, powerless to move things along.

It’s hard not to resent Dad for getting you into this mess in the first place, and hard not to deliberately start running late on pickup days to regain control of the situation. So what can you do? Three things.

First, try to determine whether your loved one’s “need for speed” is motivated by underlying worries about issues other than concern with timeliness. You may discover that Mom’s fear of getting home late is actually due to concern about her dog, or that Dad’s insistence on dining early is based on his need to save a few dollars. Addressing those issues may lead to much relief all around.

Next, set a realistic time schedule, review it as needed, and stick to it. If you know from experience that it takes Mom at least 10 minutes to put on her coat, lock the door, and put her keys in her purse, factor that into the schedule. Explain what you’re doing: “Your appointment is at 10:00am. It takes 10 minutes to get out of the house, and 15 minutes to get there, so I’ll be at your place at 9:20. We’ll have plenty of time to get a parking space and hit the bathroom.” While unforeseen circumstances may arise, stick with the plan; with sufficient repetition, your loved one will realize that you’ll get where you need to be when you need to be there. (And if she wants to stand on the porch for a half hour before you arrive, that’s her decision.)

Finally, review your own attitudes toward time. “Wasted” waiting room time can be a valuable opportunity for a one-on-one chat with your loved one. It can also be an opportunity to catch up on your reading, draft this year’s holiday message, plan next week’s menus, or text that friend with whom you’ve been meaning to re-connect. It can also be a brief interlude of relaxation for you to enjoy. A bit of reframing on your part can go a long way toward making a frustrating situation much more tolerable….for both of you.

Robert Bornstein and Mary Languirand are the authors of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In Home Care, published by Newmarket Press. The second edition, revised and updated, was recently released. Here’s the link: http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=901

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Resisting An Age Phobic Culture

Resisting An Age Phobic Culture

BLOGGER:   JESSE MENDES

There are some people in this world that approach every birthday in their later years with a sense of dread; an unwelcome, God-forsaken, doomsday event.

One of those people is my mother. Every year I try to remind her of the level of self possession and appreciation for life that she has now, that continues to grow as she gets older, and that she never had when she was young. Every year I point to her the strength, the beauty and the wisdom with which she perceives life now, that defines her day to day experience, and that only came with age. Every year, she admits I am right. My mother is an extraordinary woman with extraordinary depth, and a capacity for love and sheer delight that most people can only dream about. And yet despite her treasures; despite her sanctuary of a home and her beloved cat creatures and her rich social life and her back yard of magical forest fauna, every year, she fights me. Every year, as I implore her to remember who she is and how she inspires me, she clings to her disgust about age, insisting that I won’t understand until I reach her age.

Perhaps she is right. Except that I believe we all have, to some extent, a hand in how we experience, or respond to, the inevitabilities of life – and our emotional responses are shaped, in part, by our attitudes. And I don’t want to dread growing older. Maybe I can’t control that. Maybe there is some genetically-pre-disposed, universal experience to getting older that I’m oblivious to. Or maybe we’ve all been sold a bill of goods; an ideology so utterly devoid of virtue or any morsel of humanity – that to age is to become undesirable, impotent, irrelevant and disposable.

There it is. The elephant in the room. Well, hardly. Common attitudes about aging in North America are nothing short of pathological, and yet somehow, they make up most of the propaganda we all willingly participate in every day. My mother is one of many victims of a mass media marketing machine, peddling warped ideals of an age phobic culture. How will I fare? Will I succumb to mainstream dictum?

Not if I can help it.

Jesse Mendes is a writer, editor and journalist who is deeply committed to helping to change how older women are perceived in North America, and to dispeling the stigma around aging. Her blog can be found on the Blogroll on this web site, and on the link on her Twitter page, where she goes by the name SeptemberMay.

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WHEN I AM 64 WILL I BE HAPPY? II

When I am 64 will I be happy? (Part 2)

BLOGGER:  PAUL GRIFFIN, PHD

Does happiness change with age? Although the difficulties of the aging process coupled with negative stereotypes about the elderly lead many to think that a decline in happiness is inevitable, in my first post I argued that some research contradicts this popular belief. A number of studies find that those who are 64 are more likely to report higher levels of happiness than those who are 34 or 44. These findings are revealing, and certainly they point to reasons why we should be somewhat optimistic about our “golden years.” But in this post I would like to add a note of caution. Although some have used these compelling findings to definitively conclude that happiness increases with age, I think this general conclusion is problematic for two primary reasons. After discussing these problems, I will try to keep the reader happy—especially the baby boomers–by nonetheless arguing that there are still considerable reasons to be optimistic about getting older, even if the future of aging presents a number of pressing issues for society as a whole.

The first problem with concluding that happiness increases with age is that findings on this subject vary according to how happiness is measured. This brings us to an issue that has perplexed greater thinkers throughout the ages: What is happiness? On the surface, this is a rather basic question that could be answered by most anyone. We have all experienced happiness, and, therefore, we all believe we know what it is. Yet because happiness is a subjective experience, a standard definition remains elusive. We all come to our own definitions of what happiness is, and subsequently use this definition to answer the question, Am I happy? Therefore, even with the understanding that people can be wrong about their own emotional states, most research on happiness is based on directly asking the people being studied to provide the answers themselves. The most basic way of doing this would be by asking a single global question like the following: “Taken all together, how would you say things are these days—would you say very happy, pretty happy, or not too happy.”

Some—particularly in psychology– approach the question of happiness a little deeper by more precisely trying to define the components of happiness. Since they often still take a subjective approach to answering the question, the term that is often used interchangeably with happiness is “subjective well-being” (SWB). Fancy terms for common words are often a part of academic disciplines, and it might be true that in many cases such substitutions are a way for people with PhDs to feel a wee bit smarter (and, thus, a bit happier). In this case, however, I think the use of the term SWB is way to arrive at a more precise definition of happiness. The three broad components that make up people who are high in SWB are characteristics typically associated with happiness: high life satisfaction, high positive affect (more likely to experience positive emotional states), and low negative affect (less likely to experience negative emotional states). Reliable multiple-item questionnaires have been created for all three components and used in hundreds of studies.

Now what is interesting is that when you take a close look at the research on aging and happiness, you find certain differences depending on how and what component of happiness/SWB is being measured. For instance, the single item question described above (“Taken all together..”) has been used in a number of large studies comparing thousands of people of different ages. Some research of this types indicates that happiness is high in people in young adulthood—in their 20s—and then shows a decline until one reaches their late 40s to early 50s, whereupon we once again see increases. Other research, using components of SWB, finds other results. For instance, considerable amount of research on life satisfaction does not often show the early dip in middle-age, but rather a gradual rise from individuals in their 30s to the early 70s. Also, research on negative affect often indicates significant declines in the experience of negative emotions as we move from young to older adulthood, but the research on positive affect is less conclusive, with some research indicating no change with age, other findings pointing to small increases, and yet other research finding gradual declines. Please note that even when these mixed results are considered, it still does not suggest that happiness is highest in young adulthood.

I will try to make sense of these discrepancies in a moment. But let’s take up the second problem, which is that a considerable amount of the age and happiness research is composed of populations that often do not include many people in their 80s and beyond. Not including such age groups might have made sense several decades ago, when they made up smaller amounts of the elderly population. But that is not the case today, and it is likely that “late life” for increasing number of people in the future will not mean late 60s or 70s, but the decades beyond. Therefore, this is an important population to consider, and when we begin to expand our research pool to include these age groups, the picture of happiness and aging becomes more complicated. For instance, while SWB research comparing samples of people in young adulthood and middle-age (30 to 50) to older adulthood (60 and 70s) often indicate higher SWB in the older populations, when we look at groups beyond their 70s, declines are more pronounced. My own longitudinal research with a sample of 1500 men found that while negative affect showed a significant decline between middle to older adulthood (from 40 to 70 years), these declines began to flatten when they reached their early 70s, and then the experience of negative emotions showed a gradual increase as men moved into their 80s. Therefore, while it is true that a number of studies do find increases in happiness with old age, many of these studies fail to define “old age” with individuals beyond their late 70s. Studies that do focus on the very old (>80) often find reductions in SWB with age.

What are we to make of all of these discrepancies? First, it seems that if we want to get a more defined picture of how happiness changes across the lifespan, we need to fully consider what aspects of happiness are being measured. When we consider the different components of SWB and how they show different changes across the lifespan, rather than think of these findings as inconsistencies we might instead want to consider how they reveal the different ways that aspects of the happy life manifest themselves across the lifespan. A more complete picture of happiness requires us to move away from a global and singular answer to this question. Different changes in different indicators of SWB might point to the varied ways we adjust to the aging process.

Second, recent research that finds declines in happiness in very late life make it clear that we should be careful about coming to any general conclusions about the direction of SWB across the lifespan. Although it is now more common to find headlines—in both academic and popular outlets—claiming that happiness is highest in later life, I think this optimistic picture of aging is incomplete. Yes, there is considerable amount of research that indicates that people are quite happy at 64, but we know considerably less about this question when we ask those who are 84. And while 64 years of age might have once produced the iconic image of the later years of life in a song written several decades ago, this picture of late life has shifted and thus must our conceptions of what it means to get old. Recent research indicating declines in happiness in the very old (>80 years) should be reason for concern. They probably point to the many stressors of the aging process as increasing difficulties accumulate.

Yet before you say I don’t want to be 80, consider a couple of points. Several longitudinal studies on SWB find a significant degree of variability in how people change across the lifespan, even in these later years. This is another way of saying that while a considerable number of people might show decreases in happiness in very late adulthood, a considerable number do not. Yes, people are still flourishing, even in their 80s and 90s. Why? What predicts differences in the ways we cope with the aging process? This is an essential question that I will address in a future post. The important point to consider now is that there is no reason to believe that such declines are inevitable. This leads me to my next point, which is that not so long ago our perceptions of aging and what was to be expected of those in later life were considerably different from today. Ageism and common negative stereotypes of the elderly remain, but consider the more sedentary lives of those in their 60s and 70s a half century ago, and compare that with the active lifestyle many in this same age group are practicing today. This profound cultural shift can be attributed to a variety of factors, including greater amounts of social capital, better health, and expanded life expectancies.

One of the most influential researchers in gerontology and positive aging, Paul Baltes, once wrote, “The greatest invention of the 20^th century is old age.” In saying this, Baltes was saying how none of the changes we described were inevitable. If people live longer and in some cases better at later ages, it is because of the significant contributions made by society to cause these changes. But Baltes’ comment also points to the tremendous strain that such an invention places on society and individuals. If getting older is to continue to mean getting better for a significant portion of the population, it will also require considerable effort and sacrifice. When you consider that whatever the age of the person reading this post, it is now more likely than ever before in human history that he or she will spend more years at advanced ages of life, such commitment and sacrifice will be an essential part of ensuring a happy populace now and in the future.

To find out more about Dr. Griffin, click his photo below.  All links for Dr. Griffin will be listed below his bio.

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Life’s Little Changes – THE FAT VS. MUSCLE FACTOR

Life’s Little Changes – The Fat vs Muscle Factor

BLOGGER:  JULIE WEBSTER

It is a known fact that as we age our bodies change.  Starting around the age of 45 we start to lose muscle mass at a rate of approximately 1% per year.  Although this doesn’t sound like a big deal, it really is.  The reason being is because at the same time our bodies are starting to lose muscle mass, most people are starting to gain weight.  The average American gains 1-2 pounds of weight per year as they age.  Again that doesn’t sound like a lot but if you average that over 10 years, you have gained 15 pounds!

Let’s look at that.  Muscle is about 18% denser than fat.  In other words, think about weight verses volume.  A pound is a pound but the amount of space one takes up verses the other is the key factor.  For an extreme example think about the weight of one pound of feathers verses one pound of brick.  Since the brick is so much denser, it would take up much less space than one pound of feathers would.  You get the point?

So, if muscle is 18% denser than fat and we are losing mass yet gaining weight what do you think we really gaining?  Fat, of course.  Our bodies are either staying the same size or, in many cases getting physically bigger.  Consequently our ratio of muscle to fat is changing dramatically.

Less muscle means less strength thus decreasing our ability to do even the little things.  I met a woman who could no longer carry her own groceries into the house because they had become too heavy and she was not very old!  Verses the woman who still lifts weights at 68 years old, looks fabulous and carries just about anything and everything she wants.  Big difference.  This doesn’t even address the bigger picture of doing the fun things.  I have a 77 year old friend that plays tennis like no body’s business.  She competed in a league a few weeks ago, played for 3 hours to win the overall competition, and she was playing against women in their 50’s.  Now that’s living!

A decrease in muscle mass does not only equate to less strength.  With less muscle, a decrease in bone density rises thus leading to the potential for osteoporosis.  In addition studies have shown that an increase in strength can:

·       Result in a decrease in arthritic pain

·       Improve balance and flexibility

·       Assist in balancing blood glucose levels

·       Have a positive impact on our emotional being

·       Strengthen the heart

·       And much more

So let us start by figuring out our own ratio of body fat to lean muscle.  There is a means of measuring this called the Body Mass Index or BMI.  BMI is a comparison of your height to weight.  This formula is being used more and more in the medical field and yet it is not necessarily an accurate way to measure body fat, in my opinion.  Take the individual who is very muscular and consequently quite lean.  They will come up on the BMI chart as having too high of a body mass index for their size.  Again this is because of the fact that muscle is so much more dense than fat.  A very small person, with a body fat of say 15%, will appear fat on with this measurement.  Or the body builder that is 5’6” and weighs 240 pounds.  His body fat may be around 12% and yet on a BMI chart he will show up obese.

A better way to determine the ratio is through actual measurement of body fat.  This can be done at a gym by using calibrators where skin is lifted from the muscle and measured on various parts of the body.  It can also be done in a pool by measuring how fast you sink; supposedly a better way and yet not too easily found.  For those of you that don’t have access to these kinds of measurements, I did find a source online that seems pretty accurate.  Simply go here to take that test:  http://www.healthcentral.com/cholesterol/home-body-fat-test-2774-143.html

Once you have this information you have the power to change it.  Rather than think, ‘I’m doomed!’ it is time to think positive.   It means you have an opportunity to make changes that can have an incredible impact on your health, your future and how to enjoy the balance of your life.  An Encore Life.  How great is that?

As time goes on and the kids are grown, there is more time to focus on ourselves separately and together with our partners.  It is a time to engage in new endeavors.  To think outside the box.  To explore things that we might have thought about in the past but just didn’t have the time to try.  It is time for an even better life!

Building muscle requires resistance.  When a muscle is challenged physically it puts stress on the bone.  The bone in response creates additional osteoblasts or cells that produce more bone.  The process is known as the piezoelectric effect.  Greater stress = more cell production=denser bones.  And, as mentioned, this is an excellent way to prevent osteoporosis.

Not only will that additional muscle strengthen your bones but it will increase your basal metabolic rate or BMR.  This is the basic amount of energy needed per day to function.  Additional muscle mass = higher BMR = additional calories burned.  Therefore a person with a higher ratio of muscle to fat can and actually needs to eat more.  Now isn’t that a great thing!  Of course what we eat is important as well.  To create these positive changes requires a blend of exercise and diet but for the purpose of this article let us focus on the exercise portion.  The diet will be addressed in a future article.

For now, let us take a look at the ways in which we can increase our muscle mass.  Of course there is the obvious – going to the gym to lift weights.  This is a great way and works fantastically for some.  For others this sounds like a death sentence!  Here are some additional ideas that can be really fun, give you a cardiovascular workout as well and offer resistance training:

·       Hiking up and down hills (my personal favorite).  Although this doesn’t address the upper body it is great for your legs and hips.  You would need to supplement with some upper body training.

·       Rowing.  This fun sport actually uses both your upper body and (to my surprise) a great deal of legs.  Overall it can really offer resistance as well as cardiovascular fitness.

·       Yoga can be a good form of resistance training, especially the more aggressive types such as Ashtanga Yoga.

·       Taking classes such as certain forms of dance, boot camps and so forth.

·       Kayaking.  This is more for building upper body strength but it is fast-paced and fun!

·       Rock Climbing.  Now this one might really take you to a new place!

·       Even the Wii Fit can offer those that want to stay inside a great workout.

These are just some ideas.  Play around with different types of activities that you enjoy and see if it fits into a strength or resistance training category.  Do not buy into the, ‘well I’m getting older…’ mentality.  Step out and up and make tomorrow even better than today!  You will be amazed at just how much you can change your body and fitness level!  We are only limited by our imagination so be creative, build muscle and head towards a more dynamic, healthy future!