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GROUCHY GUY: TEASING AND ANGER MANAGEMENT
Grouchy Guy: Teasing and Anger Management
BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD
As grouchy guys privately try to manage their conflicts about sexual fidelity in long-term monogamous relationships, they sometimes begin to lose their sense of humor and that’s why they can become very touchy about stupid little things. Arguments about stupid little things then can easily escalate into major blow-ups. Sometimes such an ugly scene can be nipped in the bud by turning an irritable interchange into an amusing one through a teasing remark that doesn’t take a grouchy guy’s complaints too seriously or too personally.
Social psychologists have noted that teasing is central to social life from childhood on and can be used to bring people closer together or to bully and humiliate them. On the positive side, teasing can be an imaginative and playful way to socialize, to flirt, and to resolve conflicts. On the negative side, teasing can be used as a weapon that is used to demean someone while pretending that it’s only kidding around. Teasing can turn a tense and testy moment into a special form of intimacy, two people having a good laugh with each other as they narrowly averted a major blow-up. Nobody is taking themselves too seriously. And in a romantic relationship since teasing is such an important part of flirting, teasing can re-awaken romantic feelings in a couple whose irritability with each other has thrown a big wet towel on their romantic passion.
Yet teasing in romantic relationships can backfire if it cuts to the quick, if it pores salt into old wounds rather than let’s those wounds heal. Especially, when teasing has that sarcastic edge, it is more likely to antagonize than amuse. The challenge in long-term romantic relationships is how to enable grouchy guys and grouchy gals to rediscover the pleasure they once shared in flirtatiously teasing one another. Flirtatious teasing does seem to be the basis of romantic seduction and just might be the basis of restoring romantic passion in a relationship once it has been lost because of never ending petty bickering over stupid little things.
So the challenge is this if you are living with either a grouchy guy or a grouchy girl. The next time they are barking at you about some stupid little thing. Try not to take it too personally, try not to take the specific complaint too seriously, try not to become too defensive, and try not to respond argumentatively as your grouchy partner is unconsciously trying to bait you into an argument. Remember that your grouchy partner is probably stressed out about some deeper inner issues that aren’t really being discussed and that they aren’t quite ready to talk about openly. They are being grouchy to blow off steam, unfortunately at your expense, but it’s better not to get too indignant about that. But just maybe you could find it within yourself to respond with some flirtatiously teasing comment, the sort your partner used to like back when you were originally trying to woo and win your partner as a lifelong partner, before the demands and frustrations of a long-term monogamous relationship began to wear both of you down. Just maybe you might be able to avert an ugly blow up by turning a testy moment into a humorous interchange that just might reawaken some of the romantic passion that you shared back in the good old days when you used to share the enjoyment of flirtatiously teasing each other.
Once a big fight has been successfully avoided and romantic passion reawakened by flirtatious teasing, it might seem that staying in a long-term monogamous relationship isn’t such a bad idea after all and maybe the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. For anyone interested in a comprehensive literature review of the research on teasing see: Keltner, D. et al. (2001) Just teasing: A conceptual analysis and empirical review. Psychological Bulletin. 127: 229-248.
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To find out more about Dr. Josephs, click here to read his bio.
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Tags: anger, anger management, grouchy guy, humor, men, psychology, relationships, teasing
There is nothing wrong with being grouchy. To suggest
that someone should not be grouchy is to judge them as being “WRONG”. This is a show of disrespect toward that person, When you are grouchy, don’t you have a damned good reason for being that way? To always be happy is to
give the impression that nothing is wrong which is patently
not true and we all know it.! Grouchiness is a wonderful tool to help you find out who your friends are. A grouch can be
your best source of wisdom, but you have to let him or her
know that you don’t think of them as inferior simply due to
their grouchy attitude. Grouchiness can be the most
honest attitude. As far as I’m concerned, people who are always happy and supportive must be up to something of a self serving nature. No thanks. I can’t pretend happiness When i know there’s so much dis
honesty in the world. God loves me just as i am and that’s all i need to be comfortable being a grouch.
Doug Rosbury —Born 5-6-1935 at 9 am Detroit, Mich.
Doug is absolutely right that our feelings are never “wrong.” If our life or our marriage sucks and we are angry all the time, it’s an honest reaction and why should we pretend otherwise? The problem is not feeling angry but how we express that anger. There are ways of expressing our feelings that open up dialogue, like expressing empathy for the other’s viewpoint or using humor, and ways of expressing ourselves that’s picking a fight, like being insulting and disrespectful. Expressing our marital resentments in constructive ways is better than stuffing it or acting it out indirectly, like by having an extra-marital affair.
This topic touches home for me because I am married to a grouchy guy. He wasn’t always so. Somewhere in his mid-50’s he seems to have morphed into his father. It’s been both surprising and depressing. In response to Doug’s comments, I can only say that living with such a person drags me down mentally and spiritually. It has ruined lovely vacations, driven off friends and, generally speaking, taken a heavy toll in my life. My husband was diagnosed by three different doctors as clinically depressed in 2002. Treatment seemed to help for a while but it didn’t last.
I have no doubt that grouchiness can be an honest attitude; I certainly don’t expect anyone to be always happy. However, I do not give myself permission to take out my bad moods on anyone else. Why would I accept such behavior from others including my spouse?
This really is serious stuff. I’ve been married for 33 years. The constant sourness has been like a steady stream of battery acid being poured on the relationship. It taints every aspect of our marriage including the physical intimacy which was always our strong suit. I mourn the loss of that. I know I need to get out of this marriage. The truth is we both need to be free to find whatever or whoever it is that will bring us happiness.
It is extremely challenging dealing with a grouchy guy who is also depressed. Grouchy guys don’t like to admit they are depressed because it feels like admitting to a weakness and to admit to weakness seems unmanly to a grouchy guy. Grouchy guys take out their anger at themselves, the source of depression, by making everybody else in the family feel as miserable as they do. Humor is one of the best antidotes to depression but some antidepressants and a little psychotherapy might help as well.