Comments on: Grouchy Guy: Monogamy

By: hello

hello — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 22:43:32 +0000

Hello, I think that men have a very hard time being faithful, otherwise prostitutes would not exist, and they would not waste thousands of dollars a year on porn, escorts, and exotic dancers. As a woman I can honestly say that I do not desire any other man but my husband, he’s very good at pleasing me.
The bottom line is that men need to change their attitude. They should not be looking at other women as sex objects, they should be seeing them as sisters, daughters, and/or older female relatives. Impossible? I think not. Many men are capable of celibacy, it’s all in their heads. Why am I not an overweight person? After all, I do love food like every other person on planet earth. But, for my own good, I choose to be self controlled and self disciplined.
Men are perfectly capable of being noble creatures, and not disgusting pigs. “Do unto others as you would like done unto you.”
Would you be hurt if your wife slept with someone else? uh huh I thought so. Stop activing like selfish spoiled babies. If you want to be a manwhore, then don’t get married!

By: rinty

rinty — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 11:33:56 +0000

And , Miss puzzled, That guy that didn’t want it from you,do you honestly think he had a low sex drive???Show him a bed of sexy 18 year olds females and you may get a surprise, or just a complete stranger that is relatively doable. You may be more puzzled.

By: rinty

rinty — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 11:27:50 +0000

Men have 20 time more testosterone than female. The average male is an unemployed alpha male. The average woman seek out an alpha male. Christianity was largely about arranging a system so all men got at least a bit of sex; and society would progress more harmoniously.Rather than a tribal society were alpha has it all and the other men just fantasize and masturbate.
This society is unnatural but the pain we feel(frustration) is the price you pay for civilization. Men just need to accept it and women have to stop attacking them with nonsense such as women have the same sexual frustration and fantasies of men. Yeee!!! sure you may have fantasies about one of my brothers, but I have constant fantasies about your 5 sisters, at the one time,the one bed; eternally.

By: oola

oola — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 23:37:03 +0000

This is bullshit. Women love casual sex just as much as men. Truth is men are just as afraid, if not more, of being alone, old, and unloved as anyone else, and monogamy is something you are socialized to think is something that is an impossible pressure imposed on you by women since childhood. That is, if you don’t think for yourself.
Idiot.

By: ReaderGuy

ReaderGuy — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 22:13:03 +0000

I am a 40 yr old male married for 14 years. This article hits the mark. Question is, how can men deal with it in a way that is neither unfaithful or guilt-provoking?

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 13:16:09 +0000

I think Joe did put the issue quite concisely. No matter how sexually frustrated either a husband or a wife is in a marriage and no matter how great the temptation to have sex outside of the marriage may be, if you love your spouse and have empathy for the betrayal trauma you would be inflicting on them, you don’t cheat.

By: Joe

Joe — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 16:11:26 +0000

Doc, you are doing a great job in explaining. There are a lot of things I wish to write, but I think that its way over my head. So many issues to understand, but one thing I do understand is having a monogamous relationship means sacrificing some of my own inner feelings and not hurting the one you love. It’s hard.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 02:58:03 +0000

“Puzzled” captures the paradox of male sexuality. Grouchy guys are grouchy because they can’t live up to an unrealistically grandiose sexual fantasy and take sexual rejection way too personally as a consequence. They enter monogamous relationships with a chip on their shoulders so they don’t appreciate how lucky they are.

By: puzzled

puzzled — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 16:20:27 +0000

Let me start by saying I work with a lot of men, and I am friends with a lot of men. I am truly puzzled by this post. So many times I read about the frustrated man, how they want casual sex, but the many men I know just either fail at getting it or dont want it. Maybe a few truly were suc essful but not many, Its a fantasy. Why is it that all these “studly” men have FAR fewer sexual partners than the women I know, 4 times less. As a female I can have casual sex at any time, but I find that a one on one relationship sex is better and safer. I suppose men could be grouchy be cause we are the ones who turn them down, I’d believe that. Rejection sucks and can leave wounds. And also I had a long relationship and the sex withholding came from the grouchy guy, not me. I wanted better kinkier sex, he is the one who wanted to watch TV. And get breast implants? Are you kidding? most men I know hate them. And most women do not need them. In all you r atitude is of a juvenile boy who reads to many FHM/Details type magazines that sell that fantasy to their readers.
Your not all rock stars, you dont get to have women just waiting in line to service you, wake up and realize if you get one good woman you are indeed lucky.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:07:21 +0000

I thank “Sad” for her appreciative response to my blog and for her openness in sharing her whimsical fantasy. I think ultimately that humor is the best antidote to the sexual frustrations of monogamous married life. Humor makes grouchy guys less grouchy and depressed wives less sad.

By: Sad

Sad — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:48:30 +0000

Reading Dr. Josephs comments above is like a breath of fresh air for me. I know nothing of statistics on the topic, but, from my little corner of the world, it all makes perfect sense in my experience.

It is almost ironic I found my way to this site at this time in my life because dealing with the depression has certainly been my issue over the past months. Please understand what I write next is a wry comment on my part. . . . .a “we have to laugh or we’ll cry” sort of thing. I was thinking one night at dinner that wouldn’t it be great if my husband and I just switched partners with our dinner companions for a while. It was just a fantasy, of course, but the thought made me laugh on the inside.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:21:54 +0000

In response to the very interesting discussion, I’ll try to clarify my position since I try not to fall into the trap of either/ or thinking when it comes to discussing sex differences in personality functioning. I think both women and men have a deep seated inner conflict between desires for a monogamous relationship to a lifelong soulmate and desires for sexual variety. On average men have stronger desires for sexual variety while women have stronger desires for monogamy. Cross cultural research backs up this proposition.

To bring in a little statistics, the variability within the sexes is greater than the variability between the sexes just as it is in sex differences in height. Though on average men are taller than women, there are many short men and tall women. Similarly, there is a sizable minority of women whose desire for sexual variety is stronger than the average male’s and those women shouldn’t be subject to the double standard that promiscuous men are studs while promiscuous women are sluts.

On average beginning in childhood males tends to externalize their emotional upset and females tend to internalize their upset. Thus on average sexually frustrated husbands turn into grouchy guys and sexually frustrated wives turn into sad and depressed women, though some women turn into grouchy gals and some men feel like sad sacks. Thus dealing with a partner’s anger and depression due to the sexual frustrations of a monogamous marriage is the issue I am hoping to bring out into the open.

By: anon

anon — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 13:55:09 +0000

Sorry, you’re right. I guess the comments of Dr. Joseph’s that I was referring to (three posts above the post you quoted) were more in direct response to Athena’s.

By: Sad

Sad — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 11:31:02 +0000

If I understand Dr. Josephs correctly, it seems to me that he saying women DO want variety as do men. . . .”male control of female sexuality wouldn’t be so strong if women weren’t predisposed to look for new lovers.” I appreciate that sense of understanding on his part. Thank you, Dr. Josephs.

I also appreciate your openness about your feelings, anon. We are definitely NOT sluts for speaking our minds. I can only hope the door continues to slowly, ever so slowly, open where women’s sexuality is concerned. My own mother suffered enormously while going through menopause. Thank heaven that subject seems to be addressed more openly these days. From what I can tell, the young women in their 20′s are not so reticient about speaking their minds regarding the subject (although that has a down side, too).

For the record, I will most likely die with my “integrity” intact where monogamy is concerned. The “sadness” in my post comes from experiencing the potential “exciting pleasures” spoken of in Dr Joseph’s post. Knowing I could still be considered desirable by another only served to shine a light on what is lacking in my own marriage. It turned out kind of sad for me.

By: anon

anon — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:00:03 +0000

I’m glad to see other women speaking up with their own frustration with monogamy. I also get very depressed due to monogamy, but it is not, as suggested by Dr. Josephs, due to rejection from my partner of many years. His actions are quite the opposite, but that is unimportant to me. I don’t need any more attention from my partner; I crave multiple partners and unattached casual sex. The fact that people like Dr. Josephs still believe that is a trait that men have and women want monogamy only makes things worse because I would be considered a slut for saying these things.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:19:09 +0000

What evolutionary psychologists think is that mother nature made us to deploy “pluralistic mating strategies,” both short-term and long-term. We can’t say that men, women, or humans in general were designed to be any one thing. It’s always a difficult inner conflict between the exciting pleasures of sexual variety and the emotional security provided by monogamy, for women as well as for men. Male sexual jealousy, male sexual possessiveness, and male control of female sexuality wouldn’t be so strong if women weren’t predisposed to look for new lovers.

By: Sad

Sad — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 07:32:25 +0000

I have no idea if what the good doctor writes here is the whole truth, but my own truth is that at 65 and more than 30 years married, I am so regretful that there were not more men in my life. Surely being with one man for such a long time is NOT what Mother Nature really intended. Men may get grouchy, but monogamy has made me downright depressed.

By: Pamelaober

Pamelaober — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:48:20 +0000

Great! Thank you very much! I always wanted to write in my blog something like that. Can I take part of your post to my site? Of course, I will add backlink? Regards

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:27:51 +0000

Athena Bradford makes an excellent point. Women may also feel sexually frustrated in long-term monogamous relationships, especially to grouchy guys who may be sexually rejecting, and such women may yearn for extra-marital sexual outlets. In egalitarian societies, women are quickly catching up to men in terms of prevalence rates of infidelity. The research is really just comparing group averages, the average male versus the average female, but such research can downplay the enormous variability within the sexes. Also if it is possible to whip some grouchy guys into shape women may not need to find a new lover who is more appreciative.

By: Athena Bradford

Athena Bradford — Fri, 01 May 2009 13:22:40 +0000

My research focuses on women and sexuality, and I do not believe that the issue is as one-sided as you portray. Sexually frustrated women may not get grouchy, but they get mad, hurt and emotionally absent from their partner. The desire for multiple partners does not appear to be as strong, but the longing for a sexually exciting and passionate relationship is certainly present. In fact, after dozens of conversations with women, I am left stunned by all of the yearning to be recognized as a sexually vibrant companion