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Grouchy Guy: Monogamy
GROUCHY GUY: MONOGAMY
BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD
Why are grouchy guys so grouchy? Why do they make mountains out of molehills and pick fights about stupid little things? What do they have to be so angry about when more often than not their girlfriends and wives bend over backwards to please them and make their lives comfortable? Is it simply that they don’t like their jobs and come home to take their work frustrations out on their wives or children? That’s part of it but there is often a deeper reason, one that grouchy guys don’t like admitting to their partners because it is offensive to women. Often times they don’t even like to admit it to themselves because they feel guilty about feeling this way.
To put it bluntly, grouchy guys resent relinquishing their sexual freedom for the sake of long-term monogamous relationships, even with women they truly love. In a nutshell, men in committed relationships become grouchy because it frustrates their pressing desires for casual sex without strings attached with an endless variety of young, beautiful, and sexually indulgent women. Though most men don’t get close to gratifying this sexual fantasy when they are single, once they are in a committed relationship they begin to privately blame their girlfriends and wives for preventing them from making their dreams of playboy paradise come true.
Men don’t like to admit this fact to women or even to themselves. First, men know it’s an unrealistic fantasy and that they weren’t really such studs when they were single. They are ashamed of this fact because at some primal level men believe that if a man is not a first rate stud he is a first rate loser. Getting married then seems like settling for second best, an admission of defeat that they couldn’t cut the mustard as a first class seducer of women. Second, men feel guilty about their womanizing ambitions. Men appreciate that thinking about women as sex objects to be loved and left to boost the male ego hurts women’s feelings even when men don’t have any real intentions of being unfaithful. Men fully understand that any self-respecting woman wants to think that she is well worth the price of monogamy and that it wounds a woman’s self-esteem to realize that her grouchy guy resents having to be faithful to her as though marital fidelity is some huge, almost unbearable sacrifice.
Being in a long-term monogamous relationship means giving up casual sex with other women in exchange for enduring love and affection from a woman with whom you might hope to raise a family. In other words, being monogamous requires men to endure a certain type of sexual frustration that men find difficult to endure. Men in general are much more interested in casual sex than are women. In comparison to women, men want to have more sexual partners in a lifetime, want to have more sexual variety, have more sexual fantasies about having sex with someone other than their current partner, utilize more pornography, utilize more prostitution, want to have sex earlier in a relationship, have more willingness to have sex with strangers, are more predisposed to have extra-marital affairs, and are more predisposed to have extra-marital affairs in search of casual sex as opposed to a finding a serious lover. Curiously, though girls usually reach puberty several years earlier than boys do, the average boy has his first orgasm at age 13 while the average girl has her first orgasm at age 15. And if boys don’t masturbate they start having wet dreams to relieve themselves. In contrast, some women can go years if not decades without ever having their first orgasm and without ever having one in their sleep. Many men just seem to be driven by their sexual desires in a way that many women aren’t and men’s sexual desires often have a more impersonal and insistent quality than do women’s.
This sexual difference can be an underlying source of perpetual conflict in long-term relationships and is often a touchy issue that is difficult to discuss without being defensive. Ultimately, men have to learn how to deal with the sexual frustrations of monogamy without dumping their frustrations on their girlfriends and wives. To some extent women help men do that not by learning new sexual techniques, not by giving them quickies every time they want to be sexually serviced, not by getting breast implants, and certainly not by looking the other way while they cheat. You can help him become less grouchy by not taking his grouchiness so personally, making fun of him when he is acting like a jerk, and setting firm limits on his surly behavior when it goes over the top. Your grouchy guy has to learn how to get over himself and you can help him do that by helping him not take his fragile male ego so seriously.
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?
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Tags: grouchy, men, monogamy, psychology, relationships
What century are you living in, Dr Josephs?
I think your insight into men and their psyches is profoundly skewed by the fact that you work with distressed people in therapy. your insights into men may benefit from expanding your sample. you are perpetuating stereotypes here without any basis in science. i don’t care that your position is psychoanalytic; i care that you don’t appear to know anything about how to find a representative sample of the population on which to base your generalized conclusions.
I don’t think you should include the “Ph.D.” after your name in situations where you are choosing to simply spout your thoughts. It may suggest to some readers that your thoughts are based on the research degree that those letters imply. In contrast, this writing does not appear to be even remotely tied to any research. And how could it be? Your assertion seems to be that those men who would not agree with what you write simply “don’t like to admit this…to themselves”, which brilliantly prevents your statements from ever being put to any kind of research test!
I have to respectfully disagree with some of the previous comments. I would hazard a guess that most of them are written by women. The truth is that many of us Men do silently wrestle with some of the issues Dr. Josephs’ touches on. I think we know how silly/embarassing some of them are in reality, but the truth is we do think some of this stuff and it DOES effect us.
As for being researched, I would imagine the psychoanalytic background and therapy work he has done over many years has provided him with the research to make these assertions/conclusions. It’s wrong to say only distressed people go to therapists.
oy vey unfortunately perpetuates a bad stereotype that only distressed people go to therapists. Remember that old Head & Shoulders commercial: “I use Head & Shoulders….. but you don’t have dandruff!!…. Exactly.”
Well, exactly.
What men does not wrestle with monogamy? In fact, both through human history and across cultures and animal species, monogamy is the exception, not the rule (”In historical terms, it is monogamy that is in need of explanation, not polygamy.” — Janet Bennion, Women of Principle,1998). Indeed, there is nothing natural about monogamy. Even the right-wing American theologian and radio talk show host Dennis Prager admits that “human sexuality, especially male sexuality, is polymorphous, or utterly wild” (http://bit.ly/GkBXw). According to him, its judaism’s, and later christianity’s, merit of “forcing the sexual genie into the marital bottle”. Without the domestication of male sexuality, Western would not have been possible, he argues. And domestication, the nourishing of the home, is the realm of the feminine. Indeed, we owe it to women the domestication of crops and farm animals that led us out of nomadism and into a world of planning and science. No doubt, the feminine order of monogamy is good for society (ever wondered why we call marriage “matrimony”?). It provides structure and less unequal opportunity to less sexually competitive men. Or is it? By attempting to domesticate his sexuality, the male is robbed of his defining characteristic - that of the hunter, the explorer, the adventurer. This is not to say that women don’t share on these characteristics to varying degrees… and that all men have them to the same degree. But it is archetypically masculine to pursue, to chase and to transgress… be it a new land, a new ideal, or a new woman. All human evolution is driven by this single libidinic force. It is no surprise that when the proverbial genie is forced into the marital bottle, men are likely to become unhealthy and dysfunctional. Either their testosterone and vasopressin levels plummet, and they become asexual and depressed. Or they become aggressive and destructive of others and themselves. This drive to destruction is at the core of male sexuality, as the male essentially looks to die in the arms of a beloved, giving her all he’s got, in the opposite direction of birth, back into the womb (this is glaringly obvious when, after intercourse, men enter the usual hybernating coma). Materialised in male actions, his libido is also destructive, as men repeatedly reject the current order to build and grow beyond it. It is thus no surprise that male libido has become the enemy of society and the status quo. The evidence, however, shows that the genie cannot be forced into the marital bottle, and that it is unhealthy for men, and thus for women and society by consequence to do so, for male sexuality to be ruled by monogamy. Contrary to Dr Josephs prognostic, the solution is not for men to conform and have their grief belittled, but for their nature to be accepted, first by themselves, and then by their loved ones. Once male sexuality is reaccepted in the bosom of the social order, the natural tension that exists between the feminine and the masculine in this sexual paradox can be rebalanced into one that produces a current and electrifies us all, rather than polarising into conflict and war.
Thanks for all the tough questions on a controversial issue. For anyone interested in the research look up this article by the social psychologist Roy Baumseister for a comprehensive literature review of the research on this topic: Baumeister, R.F., Catanese, K.R., & Vohs, K.D. (2001). Is there a gender difference in strength of sex drive? Theoretical views, conceptual distinctions, and a review of relevant evidence. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(3). 242-273. Also I do think the desire for a lifelong romantic bond is just as innate as the desire for new sexual partners. It’s an inner conflict that might make some men grouchy, not necessarily all men.
My research focuses on women and sexuality, and I do not believe that the issue is as one-sided as you portray. Sexually frustrated women may not get grouchy, but they get mad, hurt and emotionally absent from their partner. The desire for multiple partners does not appear to be as strong, but the longing for a sexually exciting and passionate relationship is certainly present. In fact, after dozens of conversations with women, I am left stunned by all of the yearning to be recognized as a sexually vibrant companion
Athena Bradford makes an excellent point. Women may also feel sexually frustrated in long-term monogamous relationships, especially to grouchy guys who may be sexually rejecting, and such women may yearn for extra-marital sexual outlets. In egalitarian societies, women are quickly catching up to men in terms of prevalence rates of infidelity. The research is really just comparing group averages, the average male versus the average female, but such research can downplay the enormous variability within the sexes. Also if it is possible to whip some grouchy guys into shape women may not need to find a new lover who is more appreciative.
Great! Thank you very much! I always wanted to write in my blog something like that. Can I take part of your post to my site? Of course, I will add backlink? Regards
I have no idea if what the good doctor writes here is the whole truth, but my own truth is that at 65 and more than 30 years married, I am so regretful that there were not more men in my life. Surely being with one man for such a long time is NOT what Mother Nature really intended. Men may get grouchy, but monogamy has made me downright depressed.
What evolutionary psychologists think is that mother nature made us to deploy “pluralistic mating strategies,” both short-term and long-term. We can’t say that men, women, or humans in general were designed to be any one thing. It’s always a difficult inner conflict between the exciting pleasures of sexual variety and the emotional security provided by monogamy, for women as well as for men. Male sexual jealousy, male sexual possessiveness, and male control of female sexuality wouldn’t be so strong if women weren’t predisposed to look for new lovers.
I’m glad to see other women speaking up with their own frustration with monogamy. I also get very depressed due to monogamy, but it is not, as suggested by Dr. Josephs, due to rejection from my partner of many years. His actions are quite the opposite, but that is unimportant to me. I don’t need any more attention from my partner; I crave multiple partners and unattached casual sex. The fact that people like Dr. Josephs still believe that is a trait that men have and women want monogamy only makes things worse because I would be considered a slut for saying these things.
If I understand Dr. Josephs correctly, it seems to me that he saying women DO want variety as do men. . . .”male control of female sexuality wouldn’t be so strong if women weren’t predisposed to look for new lovers.” I appreciate that sense of understanding on his part. Thank you, Dr. Josephs.
I also appreciate your openness about your feelings, anon. We are definitely NOT sluts for speaking our minds. I can only hope the door continues to slowly, ever so slowly, open where women’s sexuality is concerned. My own mother suffered enormously while going through menopause. Thank heaven that subject seems to be addressed more openly these days. From what I can tell, the young women in their 20’s are not so reticient about speaking their minds regarding the subject (although that has a down side, too).
For the record, I will most likely die with my “integrity” intact where monogamy is concerned. The “sadness” in my post comes from experiencing the potential “exciting pleasures” spoken of in Dr Joseph’s post. Knowing I could still be considered desirable by another only served to shine a light on what is lacking in my own marriage. It turned out kind of sad for me.
Sorry, you’re right. I guess the comments of Dr. Joseph’s that I was referring to (three posts above the post you quoted) were more in direct response to Athena’s.
In response to the very interesting discussion, I’ll try to clarify my position since I try not to fall into the trap of either/ or thinking when it comes to discussing sex differences in personality functioning. I think both women and men have a deep seated inner conflict between desires for a monogamous relationship to a lifelong soulmate and desires for sexual variety. On average men have stronger desires for sexual variety while women have stronger desires for monogamy. Cross cultural research backs up this proposition.
To bring in a little statistics, the variability within the sexes is greater than the variability between the sexes just as it is in sex differences in height. Though on average men are taller than women, there are many short men and tall women. Similarly, there is a sizable minority of women whose desire for sexual variety is stronger than the average male’s and those women shouldn’t be subject to the double standard that promiscuous men are studs while promiscuous women are sluts.
On average beginning in childhood males tends to externalize their emotional upset and females tend to internalize their upset. Thus on average sexually frustrated husbands turn into grouchy guys and sexually frustrated wives turn into sad and depressed women, though some women turn into grouchy gals and some men feel like sad sacks. Thus dealing with a partner’s anger and depression due to the sexual frustrations of a monogamous marriage is the issue I am hoping to bring out into the open.
Reading Dr. Josephs comments above is like a breath of fresh air for me. I know nothing of statistics on the topic, but, from my little corner of the world, it all makes perfect sense in my experience.
It is almost ironic I found my way to this site at this time in my life because dealing with the depression has certainly been my issue over the past months. Please understand what I write next is a wry comment on my part. . . . .a “we have to laugh or we’ll cry” sort of thing. I was thinking one night at dinner that wouldn’t it be great if my husband and I just switched partners with our dinner companions for a while. It was just a fantasy, of course, but the thought made me laugh on the inside.
I thank “Sad” for her appreciative response to my blog and for her openness in sharing her whimsical fantasy. I think ultimately that humor is the best antidote to the sexual frustrations of monogamous married life. Humor makes grouchy guys less grouchy and depressed wives less sad.