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Grouchy Gals: Women’s Ambivalence About Monogamy
Grouchy Gals: Women’s Ambivalence About Monogamy
BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD
Cross cultural research suggests that world-wide men cheat more than women do. Yet it has been noticed that in more egalitarian countries women are quickly catching up to the men in terms of prevalence rates of infidelity. In addition, women are much more likely to report infidelity in anonymous surveys than in face to face interviews. These findings suggest that women may be just as sexually frustrated with monogamous arrangements as are men so frequently look for extra-marital sexual outlets. Research also suggests that on average women are more often unfaithful in search of romantic love whereas men are more often unfaithful in search of casual sex. Yet many men seek romantic love outside of marriage and many women seek casual sex outside of marriage.
Beginning in childhood, males tend to externalize their emotional upset whereas females tend to internalize their emotional upset. As a consequence sexually frustrated wives are just as likely to become sad and depressed (i.e. anger turned inwards) going through the motions as though everything is OK as they are to become grouchy gals who dump their frustrations on their husbands. If women are the more monogamously oriented sex as research suggests why are they so frustrated with monogamous arrangements? Research suggests that the honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship, when men are at their best behavior (i.e. most adoring and eager to please) rarely lasts more than 18 months. As suggested in previous blogs, once the honeymoon phase is over many men turn into grouchy guys who become sexually selfish and irritable due to their own sexual frustrations. They begin to treat their wives like slaves whose function is to service them. Naturally, women resent such mistreatment and begin to yearn for a more adoring and appreciative romantic partner. Yet even if a husband is a perfectly decent guy sex can become boring if it’s just the same old thing once the initial romance has faded. Women too enjoy sexual variety, novelty, and the thrill of new romantic conquests as well as the ego boost of still being able to evoke love and lust from new and desirable romantic partners, despite being older and having put on a few pounds.
Many women stay in sexually frustrating monogamous arrangements for the sake of the children or just for the emotional or economic security of having someone with whom to grow old. Yet many women do cheat, do seek divorce, and are even relieved when their grouchy and unappreciative husbands kick the bucket and they don’t want to get stuck providing undeserved custodial care for another old fart. Research suggests more health and psychological benefits for married men than for married women. We also know that men seem to be the more sexually controlling, sexually possessive, and violently jealous sex. Though men don’t like to admit to this issue, men do need to worry about what they need to do to hold onto their potentially philandering wives so they don’t get cuckolded or replaced by a competitor who is better in bed than they are. Sexually betrayed and/ or dumped men don’t fare too well, either emotionally or physically.
If your wife is privately depressed but pretending everything is OK or is openly “bitchy” and you don’t want to lose her to another man this is what husbands have to do:
1. Don’t be sexually selfish. Make sure your wife is sexually satisfied.
2. Don’t treat her like a slave. That means cut out the contempt and disgust in your attitude.
3. Don’t threaten her with abandonment and/or replacement when you are angry and in a punitive mood. That’s being mean since it’s going for the jugular.
4. Be affectionate and don’t reject affectionate gestures and overtures from your wife.
5. Stand up for yourself in an assertive, respectful way. Don’t be a wimp but don’t be a bully either. Try to be someone your wife would respect and admire.
Being a loyal and devoted partner compensates to some degree for the fading of romantic love and the sexual boredom that can be an inevitable aspect of long-term monogamous relationships. Men have to overcome their egocentrism and realize that just because they are sexually frustrated with and resentful of monogamous arrangements doesn’t mean that women aren’t as well. Women are more likely than men to live lives of quiet despair hiding their true feelings than are men who are more likely to stomp around the house making sure everyone else is just as miserable as they are. So men better wise up if they don’t want to end up dumped and replaced by their sexually frustrated wives for someone who is better in bed than they are.
To find out more about Dr. Josephs, click his photo below:
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Tags: boomers, gal, grouchy, imagineage, men, midlife, monogamy, psychology, relationships, women
A comment was placed by Thays Babo, on LinkedIn, responding to this blog post.
Here, in Rio de Janeiro , I notice that it´s easier for working women to cheat but they still feel much more guilty. And also family would ‘understand’ better a man cheating and would even advise to women to forgive and remain married. I don´t think they would be so comprehensible with unfaithful women. Men are very ‘proud’ to openly admit his wife betrayl.
By Thays Babo Independent Market Research Professional and Clinical Psychotherapist in Private Practice
Unfortunately, the double standard that promiscuous men are studs while promiscuous women are sluts seems to be universal and prevents much empathy for women’s sexual frustrations in marriage or their need for extra-marital sexual outlets. Part of the double standard derives from men’s violent sexual possessiveness and murderous rage towards unfaithful women. Yet other women are also threatened by sexually frustrated unfaithful wives because philandering wives might become sexual competitors who might seduce their husbands or potential boyfriends.
Such a useful and insightful blog
This rings true from beginning to end; male selfishness, even among guys perceived to be perfect and who don’t cheat, may be impulse from the lizard brain. My guy should fight it down. Even without sex in a marriage–some are unable–people who love and like each other need to touch, kiss, remember occasions, pay compliments, say thank you. We’re a couple years away from our 50th Anniversary. Wish I were 45 again and knew what I know now. Too late for me, but women should think of ourselves as deserving fulfilled lives, too.