Comments on: Grouchy Gals: The Problem of Unwanted Sex

By: RJ Gerber, Jr.

RJ Gerber, Jr. — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 15:47:16 +0000

Thank you for addressing my thoughts.
I did wish to add some nuance to my prior comments.
My “need” isn’t so much for the physical act itself, but rather that I be wanted, desired, lusted after. When my partner is attracted to me sexually, those needs are automatically being met, regardless of the actual frequency of physicality.
The physicality ALWAYS lessens over time in relationships. I could handle that. I am not the strapping Marine that I once was, and my desire for frequent physicality has changed. My partner is equally human.
What’s difficult, for me, is handling the feelings of rejection, loneliness, and bewilderment that accompany no longer being physically desired. Couple that with the fact that I do whatever is in my power to be able to meet the needs of my partner, and the result of the recipe is resentment…

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 20:13:13 +0000

I think many men feel the way RJ does in a long-term monogamous relationship. Men often have a stronger sex drive than their female partners. Just recently while doing couples therapy I asked a 30 year old husband how often he wished to have sex and he said daily. I asked his 30 year old wife how often she wished to have sex and she said once a week. They agreed to aim for sex twice a week and the husband said he could live with that without having to pester her for more. If couples can find a tolerable compromise when their sex drives differ, then resentment doesn’t have to build up. Sometimes, it’s the wife who has the stronger sex drive and the husband is disinterested so this issue can go both ways. Rarely are couples’ sex drives perfectly match over the course of a long marriage lasting 2,3 or 4 decades.

By: RJ Gerber, Jr.

RJ Gerber, Jr. — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 19:27:08 +0000

I am not sexually fulfilled in my current monogamous relationship. I wasn’t in my previous relationship, either.
Sexual fulfillment is VERY important to me. In the hierarchy of needs within my relationship, it is at the very top. As a human being, I will not apologize for that.
I do not “pester” my partner for fulfillment. If my happiness is important to her, she will attend to my needs. If it isn’t, she won’t.
My partner’s need for romance is not high on my list, but it is attended to, frequently, in deference to my partner’s needs.
This is the case with many of my partners “needs”. This also seems to be the case with many, many men: men are expected to meet the needs of their partners, and reciprocation is simply not required. Asking for reciprocation (having an important need met) is termed “pestering”, because that important need is sexual.
Since the important need is sexual, it is also denigrated as an “urge” that can be “overcome”, and is otherwise discounted because the need does not appear on the radars of most women.

I don’t have the answers. I can tell you that I will probably have lived and died, with multiple long-term monogamous partners, having NEVER had my sexual needs met within those relationships. My needs have never been as important as the needs of my partner, and that’s the way society (and my partner/s) likes to keep it.

I can tell you that having my needs ignored by multiple long-term partners, because sex is/was not important to them, is degrading, humiliating, and depressing. It’s even worse when the partner resents pornography, leaving the depressed, humiliated man no avenue through which to fulfill a very important need, other than to seek fulfillment outside of the relationship.

If you have to “pester” your significant other to have your sexual needs fulfilled, my suggestion is to get the hell out of the relationship, as your needs are simply not seen by your partner as important.

Just my two cents.

By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.

Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D. — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:46:01 +0000

John, thanks for reminding us that not all men are “grouchy” guys” who get resentful when their needs for impersonal sexual servicing are not met. Many men, like yourself, are looking for something more intimate. Unfortunately, given the rate of pornography consumption a significant percentage of men are looking for impersonal casual sex and get frustrated when they don’t get it and many women are married to such men. There may not be enough more relationally oriented men like yourself to go around for all the women who would like to be married to a man who shares your values and your approach to human sexuality.

By: John McPherson

John McPherson — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 14:56:49 +0000

A poor and distorted description of the problems for both parties. When Joseph uses descriptions like “constantly”, “pressuring”, “relieve their sexual tension”, “servicing”, “relieve them on demand”, “shut them up”, stop their annoyingly incessant pestering” “men tend to turn into whiney, petulant little boys who just keep pestering their partners for sex until they get it”…. etc. it rather misses the nature of a mutually loving relationship which includes the notion of sexual exclusivity, and it’s demeaning to the man’s feelings. I’ve noticed that it becomes very easy to interpret requests as pressure or hassling – and I challenge anyone to be completely neutral when it’s been a while. Similarly, try telling me that a refusal is not a rejection after the 10th time. It also annoys me that there seems to be a presumption that you have to be in the mood for sex in order for it to happen. Ideally this would be great, but through the various contingencies of life, if you operate this rule, you get zero sex sometimes – and the woman can miss out (e.g. see the work on a reactive desire for sex by Basson).

There is a big problem in mismatch, and it stands the best chance of management with both parties negotiating fairly, and showing generosity. They both need to understand the other and be keen to help them. If it were a “simple” thing of relieving yourself (for goodness sake) – then yes, masturbation would be an answer. I can tell you that it has very little to do with what I want from a loving relationship with my wife.

By: Carol Marak

Carol Marak — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:33:25 +0000

This is a valued topic.. Sex in a long term committed relationship – so many of us feel uncomfortable talking about our sexual desires and needs.. even with our partners.

Thanks for the tips and hints – I know this will help those who are frustrated in getting needs met.. hopefully.