Grouchy Gals: The Problem of Unwanted Sex
TweetGrouchy Gals: The Problem of Unwanted Sex
BLOGGER: LAWRENCE JOSEPHS, PHD
In a previous blog, we discussed why some women might feel sexually frustrated in long-term relationships and might be tempted to cheat or find a more sexually desirable partner as a permanent replacement for her current partner. Not getting enough high quality sex and romance in a long-term relationship makes some women grouchy. But some women suffer an opposite problem. Some men have a much higher sex drive than their girlfriends and wives and are constantly looking for and pressuring their girlfriends and wives to relieve their sexual tensions. It is not always particular romantic as some men just want to get a “quickie” to be sexually serviced in a rather impersonal way by their partners just to relieve sexual tension. When men are single, they usually rely on masturbation to relieve their sexual tensions because most single men can’t find enough women with whom to have casual sex to relieve themselves. Some men to keep their sexual tensions down feel a need to have daily orgasm or orgasms ever other day. If they aren’t having orgasms at the frequency that they feel they require they feel consumed by the mounting sexual tension. They become obsessed with sexual thoughts and fantasies and can’t focus on other things, like their work, until they can obtain relief.
When men enter a long-term monogamous relationship, they often hope and assume that the days of having to relieve themselves through masturbation are finally behind them as now they will have a sexually indulgent partner who will relieve them on demand at whatever frequency they need. Especially if the relationship starts off as an intense whirlwind romance, their fantasy seems to come true. When a couple is caught up in an intense romantic infatuation, they can’t wait until that moment when they can rip each others clothes off and have wild crazy sex. But unfortunately once the honeymoon phase is over the frequency of sexual relationships begins to decline and tensions arise when one partner seems to be a lot more interested in sex than the other partner. When men want more sex than their girlfriends or wives, men tend to turn into whiney, petulant little boys who just keep pestering their partners for sex until they get it. Obviously, this is a huge turn off for most women. Yet women are caught in a double bind. On the one hand, they are not in the mood for sex and feel resentful to be pressured to have sex when they are not in the mood, especially when they are being propositioned in such an exceptionally off putting way. Yet on the other hand, women may feel sorry for their sexually frustrated partners, feel it is their duty to keep their partners sexually satisfied, and may be tempted to sexually service their partners just to shut them up and stop their annoyingly incessant pestering. What is a woman to do: Resentfully have unwanted sex just to relieve guilt and pestering or decline to have sex and force her partner to deal with his sexual frustrations on his own (i.e. sexual abstinence, masturbation, or some sort of infidelity).
It would seem that few men are capable of exercising sexual abstinence in the marriage in which they patiently wait to have sex until their female partners are in the mood to have sex. Men may to some degree “save it up” until their girlfriends or wives are finally in the mood for a romantic tryst. Yet most men seem to have great difficulty with delay of sexual gratification and do not handle sexual frustration very well. Especially, if they are still very attracted to their wives, it’s a huge tease to sleep every night with a beautiful and sexy woman and see her walk around naked and not to be able to have sex with her just because she isn’t in the mood. As a consequence, most men masturbate to relieve themselves, just like when they were single guys, to relieve sexual tension, but to some extent resent their partners for not being available for sex on demand. Naturally, women resent this state of affairs. It doesn’t seem fair that women should be resented for not having sex when they aren’t in the mood, but unhappily that seems to be the case. And unfortunately, the most resentful men will probably look outside of the marriage for sexual relief.
Ultimately, there is no right or wrong answer about how to deal with this issue. Even women who don’t mind sexually servicing their husbands on a regular basis often find that it is never enough. If a man needs to have his daily orgasm, there are few women who after years of marriage, with a full time job, and a bunch of kids is going to have the time, energy, or inclination to service her husband on a daily basis. It’s just not going to happen. So my advice is for husbands to have more compassion for the no-win situation in which their girlfriends or wives find themselves. You can’t blame them if their sexual drive is just not as strong as yours, if they aren’t as interested in impersonal sex as you are, and that they often just don’t have the energy to service you even if in general they don’t really mind doing you a favor, especially if you orgasm really quickly to save them time and energy. If you are not capable of sexual abstinence to save it for when your partner is in the mood, you might have to relieve yourself through masturbation just like when you were single. So don’t take it so personally as though it’s some big sexual rejection, if your partner is not inclined to sexually service you on demand and don’t hold it against her either. In the end, you will have a much better long-term relationship and your grouchy gal won’t be quite so grouchy if you stop pestering her to have unwanted sex with you when she isn’t in the mood.
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Tags: gals, grouchy, grouchy gals, imagineage, problem, psychologist, psychology, relationships, sex, unwanted sex, women, women's issues
This is a valued topic.. Sex in a long term committed relationship – so many of us feel uncomfortable talking about our sexual desires and needs.. even with our partners.
Thanks for the tips and hints – I know this will help those who are frustrated in getting needs met.. hopefully.
A poor and distorted description of the problems for both parties. When Joseph uses descriptions like “constantly”, “pressuring”, “relieve their sexual tension”, “servicing”, “relieve them on demand”, “shut them up”, stop their annoyingly incessant pestering” “men tend to turn into whiney, petulant little boys who just keep pestering their partners for sex until they get it”…. etc. it rather misses the nature of a mutually loving relationship which includes the notion of sexual exclusivity, and it’s demeaning to the man’s feelings. I’ve noticed that it becomes very easy to interpret requests as pressure or hassling – and I challenge anyone to be completely neutral when it’s been a while. Similarly, try telling me that a refusal is not a rejection after the 10th time. It also annoys me that there seems to be a presumption that you have to be in the mood for sex in order for it to happen. Ideally this would be great, but through the various contingencies of life, if you operate this rule, you get zero sex sometimes – and the woman can miss out (e.g. see the work on a reactive desire for sex by Basson).
There is a big problem in mismatch, and it stands the best chance of management with both parties negotiating fairly, and showing generosity. They both need to understand the other and be keen to help them. If it were a “simple” thing of relieving yourself (for goodness sake) – then yes, masturbation would be an answer. I can tell you that it has very little to do with what I want from a loving relationship with my wife.
John, thanks for reminding us that not all men are “grouchy” guys” who get resentful when their needs for impersonal sexual servicing are not met. Many men, like yourself, are looking for something more intimate. Unfortunately, given the rate of pornography consumption a significant percentage of men are looking for impersonal casual sex and get frustrated when they don’t get it and many women are married to such men. There may not be enough more relationally oriented men like yourself to go around for all the women who would like to be married to a man who shares your values and your approach to human sexuality.
I am not sexually fulfilled in my current monogamous relationship. I wasn’t in my previous relationship, either.
Sexual fulfillment is VERY important to me. In the hierarchy of needs within my relationship, it is at the very top. As a human being, I will not apologize for that.
I do not “pester” my partner for fulfillment. If my happiness is important to her, she will attend to my needs. If it isn’t, she won’t.
My partner’s need for romance is not high on my list, but it is attended to, frequently, in deference to my partner’s needs.
This is the case with many of my partners “needs”. This also seems to be the case with many, many men: men are expected to meet the needs of their partners, and reciprocation is simply not required. Asking for reciprocation (having an important need met) is termed “pestering”, because that important need is sexual.
Since the important need is sexual, it is also denigrated as an “urge” that can be “overcome”, and is otherwise discounted because the need does not appear on the radars of most women.
I don’t have the answers. I can tell you that I will probably have lived and died, with multiple long-term monogamous partners, having NEVER had my sexual needs met within those relationships. My needs have never been as important as the needs of my partner, and that’s the way society (and my partner/s) likes to keep it.
I can tell you that having my needs ignored by multiple long-term partners, because sex is/was not important to them, is degrading, humiliating, and depressing. It’s even worse when the partner resents pornography, leaving the depressed, humiliated man no avenue through which to fulfill a very important need, other than to seek fulfillment outside of the relationship.
If you have to “pester” your significant other to have your sexual needs fulfilled, my suggestion is to get the hell out of the relationship, as your needs are simply not seen by your partner as important.
Just my two cents.
I think many men feel the way RJ does in a long-term monogamous relationship. Men often have a stronger sex drive than their female partners. Just recently while doing couples therapy I asked a 30 year old husband how often he wished to have sex and he said daily. I asked his 30 year old wife how often she wished to have sex and she said once a week. They agreed to aim for sex twice a week and the husband said he could live with that without having to pester her for more. If couples can find a tolerable compromise when their sex drives differ, then resentment doesn’t have to build up. Sometimes, it’s the wife who has the stronger sex drive and the husband is disinterested so this issue can go both ways. Rarely are couples’ sex drives perfectly match over the course of a long marriage lasting 2,3 or 4 decades.
Thank you for addressing my thoughts.
I did wish to add some nuance to my prior comments.
My “need” isn’t so much for the physical act itself, but rather that I be wanted, desired, lusted after. When my partner is attracted to me sexually, those needs are automatically being met, regardless of the actual frequency of physicality.
The physicality ALWAYS lessens over time in relationships. I could handle that. I am not the strapping Marine that I once was, and my desire for frequent physicality has changed. My partner is equally human.
What’s difficult, for me, is handling the feelings of rejection, loneliness, and bewilderment that accompany no longer being physically desired. Couple that with the fact that I do whatever is in my power to be able to meet the needs of my partner, and the result of the recipe is resentment…