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Facebooking at 40…
Facebooking at 40
BLOGGER: DEBORAH HEISER
So…I finally broke down and joined Facebook. After all, it’s one of the most popular sites for people over 40. How could I resist? I was hesitant, I have to admit–I even poo poo-ed it. At first I just went through the motions of joining (leaving off my picture of course – so no one would know I joined). Then I started trolling the site. Punching in names. Looking at pictures. Punching in names. Looking at pictures. It was a secret obsession. The first few days, every time my husband came in the room I’d click on something else so he wouldn’t know I’d been trolling around on Facebook (FB as it’s referred to by us insiders). I would act like I’d been busy working on something important (like backing up my hard drive or something). But the obsession didn’t wane.
I uploaded my picture and started responding to “friend requests” from people I hadn’t heard from in decades. Hit by a wave of nostalgia and curiosity, I continued on – staying up late and procrastinating on other work so I could continue with my new obsession. It was fun to remember grade school antics with old friends, see pictures of them with their children and husbands and pets. See the guys who lost their hair and gained a gut, the girls who stayed remarkably good looking, and to read about how the “wild girls” had tamed down and were now caring moms and wives. It was a sense of relief to see how so many people had moved away and went on to do interesting things with their lives. Plus, with the click of a button to request a friend, I could reconnect with people and chat online as though decades had not passed.
Now that a couple of weeks have passed, I have to say that my initial curiosity and obsession has started to wane and I’m past the point of needing to log in several times a day. I think it is because there is still a superficial quality to the site . And I just don’t quite “get” some of the aspects. I can’t understand, some of the “poke”, “super poke” and flutterby (probably have that one spelled wrong), or the gifting and getting drinks for people. I keep screwing them up. For example, someone poked me to “go dancing” and I couldn’t find a response other than “throw a sheep” or “give a hug” or “chest bump” with the person. (It turns out there are other choices but I couldn’t figure out how to find them). Anyway, I chose to “chest bump” the woman–I guess it is okay to be socially awkward as long as it is online. Right? Someone else got me a dog award ribbon. Should I have been offended? And, when someone gave me a “drink” I thought it was cute, but was confused about how to accept it without giving it out to 20+ other people.
Anyway, here’s the thing: I think these pokings, giftings and other things are okay, but what I really wanted was to go beyond the “super-poking” and fake gifting. I wanted to find out what people were actually up to. And not on a screen where everyone else could see everything I wrote. After all, what if my co-workers were also secretly trolling FB and found out I’d had such a blast in high school going out drinking and doing all kinds of wild things I like to pretend I never did. Or, what if they found out I chest bumped with a woman or threw a sheep at her with a super poke? Please, how seriously would anyone take me? Now that I’m 40, I have a need for more than online sheep throwing. If I’m going to continue staying up late, I want it to be for something more than curiosity clicking on the internet.
As a developmental psychologist, I realized that what I was doing (well, not the secret trolling and awkward “poking”) was actually in keeping with the developmental milestones of midlife. As we age it is normal to shed some of our superficial friendships and concentrate on more “intimate” or fulfilling relationships. This is often because we have families and hectic work schedules that make it impossible to maintain a large network of relationships as we used to. So over the course of our 20’s and 30’s we weed out the less meaningful friendships, or spend less time with them, so they just fade away. We concentrate on the relationships that are most satisfying, and most meaningful. After all, time is precious when you’re exhausted from work and raising children.
After realizing that I was on the right developmental trajectory for my age (phew!), I asked myself… What did I take from my FB experience these past couple of weeks? I now know that I can reach out to my “friends” from past and present. There are more people out there than I knew I knew. It is like an online security blanket. But what if there were a place to chat with those “friends” about topics that are current? Maybe a blog? …..
What are your thoughts?
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Tags: blog, facebook, forty, social networking
I agree that while FB is fun, and you can find out about old friends you lost touch with, it’s disconcerting to realize that your co-workers, bosses, mates, etc. can easily find out what you’re really up to and what you were up to in years past.
Everyone was afraid of Big Brother and now we’re all voluntarily Big Brothering ourselves!
Great blog Debbie. I have to agree and was laughing hysterically at your description of all the applications that come flying your way.
While FB is a fun nostalgic look back and a way to reconnect with so many lost friends, it isn’t always so easy to continue the relationships. So many things change and lets face it, we aren’t teenagers anymore. I have to admit I have felt a bit awkward at times and truly happy at others. But one thing is for sure, I am glad we reconnected and look forward to seeing you in the near future
Mary, one thing is for sure - FB was well worth it just to reconnect with you! I look forward to seeing you and catching up sometime in the near future
As someone looking, um, “down the barrel” of 40 myself, I enjoyed your post regarding the rush of that initial FB addiction and the gradual fade that appears in its aftermath. Perhaps we should be grateful that cold turkey on Facebook doesn’t seem to create the sort of withdrawal that accompanies other addictions although I certainly know a few younger folk that might dispute that . . .
I do, however, think that a fair number of the concerns that people have regarding Facebook - the “what if my coworkers learn I’m not just the quiet dude in the office” phenomenon - might be alleviated by investigating the privacy controls of the site. If you are concerned (or if you have habits or aspects of life you don’t wish to share) you can simply restrict who can see what. This, of course, brings a whole new host of “net etiquette” questions (e.g., what do when that sweater co-worker you hardly know and, quite frankly, don’t want to know wants to be your “friend”), but, just as in the “real” world, there are polite ways to say no thanks. Tell them, it’s only for communicating with family, ignore the request, carry on and tell them you’re not using the site anymore, create a new identity and look up the people you want to be friends with directly . . . . and so on . . .
And, no, FB is sure as hell not designed for people entering mid-life. Like Debbie, I don’t care about your silly poker game, I don’t want to sent you an exploding purple fish, and chest bumping is something I haven’t done in nearly two decades . . . . at least not while sober. That said, these things CAN simply be ignored or, if you spend a few minutes working out the complex options, turned off. I guess my sense is that Facebook is just a tool, nothing more or less. As implemented in the context of social networking (ugh) and relationships, it does not have to be thought of as any different from sharing a coffee, chatting on the phone once a week, or having dinner together when you’re in town. No, it’s not a substitute, but it does fulfill a function when you are busy and you want other people to look at pictures of your kid in his penguin outfit . . ..
I too have recently and reluctantly joined facebook at the request of my eldest daughter and interestingly she has not yet “friended” me.
As opposed to your facination and indeed obsession my experience has been the opposite. I am afraid of going on facebook, I am overwhelmed and frightened of all the people who want to be my friend. Now realize that my teenage and twentysomething daughters and their friends are also on facebook and I in now way want to be thought of as spying on their activities. Do I really want them to know about my exploits? (Don’t worry — they’re not all that racy.) Many of the people I work with are in their twenties and while they may be nice people, I don’t really want to share information about me with them nor do I really have an undue interest in them beyond what we can talk about face to face. and since we do see each other frequently that is easy to do. I am horrified of not understanding what I have just done. Who has access to what I say? Are people mad at me if i ignore them. What if I don’t accept them? I really think that this is probably not for me