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The Boomers Rock Radio Show and the host Tom Matt, conduct interviews with many professionals on topics relating to boomers. This particular podcast talks about the importance of generativity. Learn more about this topic and many others on the Boomers Rock Radio Show!
The Importance of Generativity Podcast - with Dr. Deborah Heiser
On Being Invisible
Blogger: Renee Fisher
Do you ever feel invisible? When my friends and I decided to write a book about women over 50, I asked a lot of women my age what sucked about getting older. I expected to hear the sagging/bagging/dragging thing or maybe the memory thing or maybe even the empty nest thing. I didn’t hear any of that. What I heard over and over was “I feel invisible.” Well, you could have knocked me over with a pair of sensible shoes.
I could relate to these women. I remember certain events in my life vividly: My first kiss. The day John F Kennedy was shot. “Going all the way.” My college graduation. My first wedding. The births of my three children. The day I became invisible. My second wedding. The day my grandson was born.
Whoops, back up. I remember the day, no, the moment, when I became invisible. Walking down the aisle at Safeway. Man coming toward me. Man passing. My brain registering He never saw me. I don’t mean he didn’t oogle me. I mean HE DIDN’T SEE ME. I wasn’t composed of molecules that took up any space in his world. Had someone asked him if he had passed anyone in the aisle, he would have said “No.”
It was a real turning point for me. I never had to think about my visibility before. It was just sort of there. But from that day on, I didn’t take visibility as a given. I made sure I looked people in the eye and smiled when I passed them. I spoke up when sales people started to deal with other customers when I had been there first. I no longer allowed people to cut in front of me in line or to take a parking space I had been waiting for. And I got rid of all the long baggy jumpers I had been wearing, just because they were so comfortable. In other words, I began to think about how I was going to be visible in the world. The result was incredibly energizing.
The conclusion I came to was that being visible had little to do with youth or sex appeal. It came from a feeling of empowerment, and from a belief that I should be noticed. There’s a commercial on TV now that shows a woman all dressed up, coming down the stairs. The voiceover says “It’s (whatever the product is) the difference between ‘I’m here’ and ‘Here I am.’” That pretty much sums it up for me.
All this is not to say that there aren’t times that I choose to be invisible, to fly under the radar. Sometimes, under the right circumstances, that can be liberating and/or comforting. And, at other times, it allows me to get away with things, like standing in line at the checkout, eating the nuts that haven’t been weighed yet (Now Husband Dan hates when I do that.) Visible. Invisible. I simply want the choice.
Note to Safeway Guy: If we ever share the same aisle again, I’ll bet you’ll notice me.
Renee Fisher
Co-author, Saving the Best for Last: Creating Our Lives After 50
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SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT WOMEN OVER FIFTY
BLOGGERS: Renee Fisher, Joyce Kramer, and Jean Peelen
We three women over fifty decided some years ago to change the conversation about aging and dispel myths about women over fifty. These myths may have had validity when none of us humans lived much past age fifty or sixty. Remember our grandmothers? They looked old at forty. They wore housedresses and sturdy shoes. Their lives were all about raising their children, and when that was done it seemed that at least in society’s eyes, their lives were done.
Today we women over fifty have changed considerably. Our average life span is eighty-plus years. We are out in the world, making art, saving villages, improving our communities, keeping up with runway fashions, and living our lives. Yet somehow, myths remain. Here are the ones we keep encountering.
1. Women over fifty don’t care what they look like.
Since two out of the three of us are planning to have our next round of cosmetic surgery, we take exception to this. We now remember with fondness that construction workers used to give us wolf-whistles. We thought it obnoxious then. We miss it now. Women like us drag ourselves to the gym, where we get to compete with twenty-somethings for parking spaces and treadmills. We take Yoga and Pilates, go on diets, run marathons, go on diets, dye our hair, go on diets, get contact lenses, go on diets. We care. A lot.
2. Women over fifty don’t like sex.
Since one of the three of us is married, this is a touchy subject. The answer is, just let a healthy, willing, attractive male show up in our vicinity and we will be ready. Or, if even two out of three of those categories show up, we will be ready. Actually, “willing” might make up for any other shortfalls, depending on how long it’s been. And just think, since we can’t get pregnant, we can just zip past the pregnancy prevention shelf at the drug store.
3. Women over fifty find menopause terrible and debilitating.
YES! Menopause is TERRIBLE and DEBILITATING. It ruins our lives. It is the worst thing that has ever been invented in the history of the universe. It is worse than diet ice cream. OK, now that we have acknowledged that, can we please move on? The fact is that two of us didn’t even notice menopause, except that we could also zip right past the sanitary products shelf too. So, menopause exists and we’ll have it for awhile, and then we’ll get over it.
4. Women over fifty can’t keep up with the times.
Interesting, since women over fifty are the fastest growing group on Facebook. We three have six computers among us. We have and use PDAs, GPSs, and iPods. We have almost outgrown email, and are Facebooking and twittering. And let’s face it: Without us, a lot of the Help Lines would go out of business. We may have grown up in the Stone Age, but we have managed to survive into the computer age.
5. Women over fifty miss our children and only want to be with our grandchildren.
We love and adore our children. We love and adore our grandchildren. That’s the only acceptable answer, isn’t it, since this will be in print? We love them the most when they don’t ask us to baby sit too much. But seriously, we can love them and still want a life. That’s the bottom line.
6. Women over fifty fear change.
That’s really funny, since virtually everything about us is changing. Body parts are moving to different locations or vacating entirely. Hair is now appearing in places it never was and disappearing from places it used to be. We could go on and on. So, we say we don’t fear change. We are, and have been, the movers and shakers of our lives. Go to any art class and see who is involved in creative pursuit. Go to yoga or meditation classes to see the same. Look at the women starting new careers, or the ones running for office. Check out writing classes, art appreciation classes, cooking classes. Look at who is doing work in developing countries, starting foundations, traveling the world, raising money for causes, marching for causes. Change? Bring it on! We are well-practiced, and good at it.
7. Women over fifty are counting the days until retirement.
We agree with this statement. No matter how much we love our careers, we are chomping at the bit to have the time to travel, to explore, to start new businesses, to enroll in college, to volunteer, to write books, to inspire our daughters’ and granddaughters’ generations with the unlimited possibility we have. We can’t wait to retire so we can see what’s next. We have lived only the first half of our lives and are anxious to see what we will create in the second half.
So, let us bury the useless, outworn myths along with all other outmoded notions of who we women are and what we are up to in our lives. We are here. We’re living, laughing, loving, and planning to be so for the next fifty years.
All of these myths and more are dispelled in our new book Saving the Best for Last: Creating Our Lives After 50. You can read more about us and our books at www.invisiblenomore.com
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist forexaminer.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
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Seven Reasons to Date Women over 50
BLOGGERS: Renee Fisher, Joyce Kramer, and Jean Peelen
Single women over 50 who want to date, have discovered the terrible truth: Men over 50 don’t want to date them.
Single men over 50 are often looking for much younger women. And older men who are in less-than-perfect physical condition are often looking for women in perfect physical condition. To be fair, we also know that in many cases, this preference occurs “on paper,” meaning in the world of online dating. Put most of those same men in a room of age-compatible women, and attraction will occur. So, here’s what we propose to you men over age 50 who would like to have a real relationship with a real woman:
Put down the Viagra and spend a moment considering the following: Seven reasons why you should date women over 50.
1. Our biological clocks are gone forever. Or else, we have permanently misplaced them, along with our keys and cell phones. We’re not dating you because you’re good genetic material with which to produce offspring. We simply enjoy your company.
2. We live alone. For most of our lives before age 50, we lived with other people. Sometimes, we even knew who they were. We shared our living space with parents, roommates, lovers, husbands, children and assorted friends of our children who we discovered on couches, under beds, and in our garages. Now that we are alone, you get to be with us in a quiet, romantic setting. And you don’t have to wait in line to get to the bathroom.
3. We know that it is not our job to mold our partners. The phrase “I can change him” has been blasted out of our vocabulary by life experience. Part of the joy of being over 50 is that we now take people as they are. So settle down, relax and be happy you made the cut.
4. We don’t endlessly discuss commitment. The question “Where is this relationship going?” is about as useful to us as “Do you think the IRS will audit my return?” The joy is that we don’t spend time now in search of commitment. We simply spend time with people we like.
5. We have our own money. We like being financially independent, and we like deciding what we do or don’t do with our own money. We might agree to go Dutch, treat at times, or even enjoy paying your way, as long as that doesn’t intimidate you.
6. You don’t have to spend every minute with us. We have a close network of female friends. So you get to be with your guy friends, and we won’t feel left out. Or you can sail or play golf or whatever. If you don’t like to travel as much as we do, we can do that sometimes with our friends as well. And we won’t drag you to craft fairs unless looking for antique teapots really turns you on.
7. We will never ask you how we look in a dress. We have way too much self-confidence for that. Instead, we’ll just kiss you and ask, “How does it feel to be going out with the hottest woman on the planet?” And all you have to answer is “Great.”
We are changing the conversation about women over 50. We know that women over 50 are beautiful, sexy, vibrant, and will love you for exactly who you are. What better way to spend the years ahead.
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist forexaminer.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
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SPANX
BLOGGER: RENEE FISHER
I bought a lovely dress to wear to my son’s wedding last September. I had to wear Spanx with this dress. Most people know about Spanx. I know about it because my former best friend Jean became a model, dumped me and now Spanx is her best friend. I also know about it because the 5’9” Hollywood celebs who weigh 95 lbs but who have “no eating disorder of any kind whatsoever under any circumstances uh uh no way,” all say they wear Spanx under their size 000 (then altered down) dresses.
All of this instilled in me a Spanx Anxiety Attack. First off, you could make Spanx out of steel-infused nuclear polymer and I still wouldn’t look like those people in the magazines. Several years ago, I went to Macys and tried on a pair of Spanx. Sure enough, my belly totally disappeared, as promised, but I immediately developed a midriff bulge that went all the way up to my neck.
When I got home from London, I went to Nordstrom. I brought the dress with me to the store. Not knowing which particular body area would be in crisis mode at the time, I gathered up all the available styles of Spanx they had. The only one I didn’t choose was the one with long legs. This was, after all, a knee length dress, and while the Spanx would make my legs look great, I wasn’t sure how attractive it would be to appear to be wearing a wet suit.
The nice salesgirl led me to a dressing room and unlocked the door for me, assuring absolute privacy and protecting the general public from mistakenly entering my dressing room and seeing what a 62 year old woman looks like, sans bra, doing a St Vitus Dance in front of a three-way mirror while trying to pull on a rubberized garment .
OK, let’s discuss. I start with a warning: The following might be too graphic for small children and too emotionally damaging for younger women who fear the aging process. The three-way mirror may be my friend (and I emphasize the word “may”) once I have completed putting on my clothing, but it is not something I enjoy when I am struggling to encase my torso in a space age tube of fabric. The first one I tried on had no built in bra—the Girls got so smashed down that it took me several minutes to locate them.
Another style had a bra (hallelujah!) but stopped a few inches past my waist. The moment I put it on, it started to roll up. I was sure that it would be at my breasts by the end of the ceremony and up to my neck by the time we made it to the reception. Subsequent styles had various other characteristics that didn’t work (don’t ask). I finally had to admit that no style, no matter how uplifting, how packed with tight space age polymer, how much coverage it afforded, could turn back the clock to those glorious tiny bikini days.
I chose the best two and marched out twice to show my husband who had been patiently waiting just outside the entrance to the dressing rooms. I let him choose the one he thought looked best with the dress; he preferred the one that was made like a leotard. I paid the $85, and, while the salesgirl was ringing up the purchase, thought for $85 I should be able to pay someone to stand in for me in the wedding photos.
“I’m really discouraged,” I told my husband as we exited into the mall. “What happened to my body?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “but if you find yours, look for mine as well.”
On the day of my son’s wedding, I put on the Spanx and noticed for the first time that the garment seemed to be missing a critical opening. Without this critical opening, I would have to take my dress off and remove the Spanx entirely in order to use the rest room. Basically, I would have to be naked. As this seemed an item entirely too significant to have passed Quality Control, I searched again. Sure enough, there was an opening, but it was so small and constructed in such a strange way that it would have required an accompanying video to explain its use.
I was fine during the ceremony. But, the minute we arrived at the reception, I had to use the rest room. I quickly calculated how long the Mother of the Groom would be required to be at the reception, and the answer was considerably longer than I would be able to contain myself. There was no getting around it: I headed for the rest room.
I decided to be cool, calm, rational, and methodical. That plan lasted about five seconds. The rest of the time I spent contorting myself so as not to wet my Pale Grey Mother of the Groom Dress Constructed Of That Kind of Fabric That Shows Every Single Drop of Anything That Could Possibly Get On It. Had I failed, I would have had to spend the entire reception in the bathroom stall and have food delivered to me under the stall door.
The wedding reception was fabulous, and, on my next trip to the rest room I surrendered and did what I had tried to avoid doing during the first trip. I’m not sure what the other women in the rest room thought to see a pile of clothing on the stall floor. I suspect that if I showed the Spanx to my husband he would have said, “Oh, you did this incorrectly,” or something like that, with that same voice he uses when he says, “You pushed the wrong button on the printer,” or “You were holding the remote backward (or upside down or sideways).” I will never ask him—I simply refuse to have a man explain my undergarments to me. Instead, I will go on a diet to lose ten pounds and never wear the Spanx again. When that fails, I will go to my seamstress and have her alter the Spanx.
Renee Fisher is a Realtor and writer who lives in the Washington, DC area. She is the co-author of two award-winning books about life after 50 www.invisiblenomore.com and is the DC Boomer Humor columnist for examiner.com DC-Boomer-Humor-Examiner.
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